Holiday at the time of grandchild’s birth

[Ferguson0909]

My son is having a second baby in June. They will also have a 23 month old. There is a three day festival in another country I want to go to at that time. I was going to make it into a two week holiday.
they live 350 miles away so I would have to stay in a hotel. They have no other grandparents help.
Would I be unreasonable to go?

It’s two weeks. She’s not a single mother and why on earth did they decide it was a good idea to have another kid when she struggles having one, and you are their only support – that is unfair pressure to put on you. Especially as you believe she won’t cope when your DS goes back to work,

If you have a break, you can at least recharge your batteries before you go back to running round after them

Well, there is always next year… but then it’ll be the DGC first birthday you’re missing and they’ll
probably have an issue with that as well.
Reading your other posts it sounds like you feel a bit put upon and tired, a break to do something you’d love to do sounds great. Could you go for the festival and stay a couple of days either side rather than 2 weeks?
Another thing to consider - How would you feel if you were at the festival and you got the call that the baby had been born / sent photos… would it make you wish you were there ?
Could you have a chat with your DC about it and see what they think of you going for a few days.

As an aside, if you are already feeling taken for granted and a bit exhausted with the 1 DGC, maybe now is the time to put some boundaries in place as I can’t imagine 2 DGC will be make this any easier.
I know there’ll be loads of posts on here that think your grandchildren / children should be the centre of your universe, but I disagree. You can still have a great relationship with your family and live your own life and things you get enjoyment from.

To give them a break, OP! Is your son doing his share of cooking, cleaning and childcare?

Go and then head to them after your trip. Surely they'll need your help more once your DS is back at work?

I think there's a middle ground here, OP. Go to the festival for a few days, not two weeks maybe? You don't know if you will have the health to go in future years. I'm sure you're well aware how quickly that sort of thing can change. Your goals in life matter too.

These are two adults. I'm sure they can manage together for a week or two.

My mother was two long haul flights away when I was 8 months pregnant with my first. If the baby had arrived when she was away, that's life.

You do so much for them already. If they can't give you the grace of a few days and take care of themselves, they need to sort themselves out and build a better network if you are all they have to count on.

Exactly. You'll be less fit for festivals and holidays as the years pass too.

As someone in my 70's with very young grandchildren I feel for the OP.
There are things you want to do/experience as you realise you might not be able to do whatever it is much longer due to possible health issues arising or as some of your peer group have died recently you are acutely aware that your future isn't infinite!

Unfortunately neither do you have the energy to deal with the demands of young children. I am physically quite fit but find myself totally drained after looking after a baby and a toddler for even just a few hours. I think I find it mentally tiring as I am aware my DIL'S do things very differently to how I used to do things and I am anxious to adhere to their way of doing things.
I love my grandchildren as I'm sure the OP does but I have many friends who say that dealing with small grandchildren in their 60's is a very different experience than trying to cope in your 70's.
Unfortunately most of our DC'S are having their children later in life than our generation did and this is the outcome, older grandparents.
I don't know what I would do in the OPs position and I feel for her.

Has your son actually asked you to come because that is surely the critical factor? if your son and more importantly at this time, DIL, actually want you there around the time of the birth then postponing the holiday seems sensible. If no one has actually asked you to come and help yet then maybe a holiday of a lifetime might be a good idea and you can visit the baby when they are a bit back on their feet.

Surely the issue isn’t the couple not managing for a few weeks but more when she goes into labour?

What could be their back up plan for labour and childcare for the eldest in the middle of the night. If they have someone they could rely on and it’s not a major issue / pre agreed then it might be ok to go to the festival.

I think going then the couple having limited or no
one to watch the eldest child is a bit mean / stress inducing.

As for the feelings around visits, if you are staying in a hotel, why are you so tired OP. You should be getting up, having breakfast and making your way over to their house around 10am. Then leaving at bedtime to let the couple have some alone time around 6-7pm. While you are there you should help out a little but not be a slave. You need to start making little changes to
make your visits better.

Have you asked them what the plan is for when she goes into labour, in terms of looking after DC1? Because given you’re 350 miles away, they surely can’t expect you to drop everything and get there quickly when she goes into labour? Or are they expecting you to go up there 2 weeks early ‘just in case’?

Or is she likely to have a c-section so there’s a little more planning?

Either way, I’d be having the conversation now as to what they’re expecting from you, and then you then need to be honest and say what you can manage and not.

I’d likely though stick to my plans and go to the festival, but maybe for a week not two.

Good choice Op. I'm glad you had chance to think it through here.

Do you what to be there and support them but feel like they take advantage of you, or do you actually not want to be there as they take advantage of you?

I've seen this happen to my friends. The demands on their time, expectations of help and the thoughtless taking for granted just get greater and greater as the grandchildren grow and their health worsens and their energy diminishes.

How come you live so far away from them?

If they chose to move away from you, then they need to take some accountability and recognise that they chose not to be close to you and therefore chose not to need your help.

I would miss the festival but I would feel a bit of resentment over it.
However, that will go away once the baby is born and you’ll feel a lot of relief that you didn’t go.

Is the festival on the following year or in any other countries?

Let alone a festival that will be on next year anyway

The thing is, there is no guarantee of that. Maybe the festival will be cancelled because the organizers will go bankrupt, maybe there will be another pandemic or something, maybe the op won't be able to go because she will have other pressing issues (family member dying or something), maybe she won't be in good enough health to go there. I don't want to sound morbid but at 70 y.o. I would not want to postpone experiences.

She chose to have a second child when she already struggles with one. If she’s struggling mentally then she needs to speak to her midwife. Go to the festival.

You probably need to speak to them about them taking your help for granted. However, if you don't help this time, your son will need to look after their child and your DIL will need to labour alone.

Have they asked you to look after DC1 whilst they are at hospital?
If so I wouldn't go to the festival.

FYI - my PIL really fucked up when my DC2 was born. It still pisses me off to this day.

They lived about 45 mins away and agreed to look after DC1 when I went into labour. At 37 weeks I asked them to keep their phones on 24 hours a day as contractions could start.
My contractions started at 10pm the next day (Sunday). We started ringing them at 10:30 - they didn't pick up. I started ringing friends up at 11pm, they were all in bed. In the end I had to take DC to our neighbours at midnight. We then dashed to the hospital, got there 1am, DC2 born at 2am. It was so fucking stressful.

In the meantime, my parents who live 300 miles away had got in the car and driven down, arrived at 5am and picked up DC1 from neighbours when he woke up.

@Ferguson0909 Sounds like your DS and DIL would like your help and have asked for it. The fact they are thinking about getting a nanny should be encouraging for you as they should do the grunt work of childcare

I had toddlers at my births. Unless it's a c-section, there's always that.

Ha, read MN long enough and you realise not everyone wants you around!

I don't think it's individualist vs collectivist in this way A collectivist view might be that the son and DIL need a better, collective, support network, perhaps the reason they don't have that is they live very individualistic lives and so does everyone around them, to the point that they have to parachute in 70 year old mum/in law on a very long exhausting trip to help them out. Because, for some reason, nobody else in their lives is willing or able to help. We should collectively be able to have a solution where we don't need to demand the elderly run themselves into the ground to look after the very young, but that's a wider problem.

You need to have the difficult conversation OP, whether you go to this thing or not.

Why are they having more DC if she has trouble coping? Are they assuming you’ll help?

who is going to look after the older baby?

dont you want to help?

Wow. Sounds like OP is doing plenty of that already but has the audacity to want a break

She helps ALL THE TIME. She shouldn't be guilted into giving up a dream of hers. She might never get the chance again. I think there is middle ground where she goes for a week rather than two though, if that is what she wants to do.