Holiday at the time of grandchild’s birth

[Ferguson0909]

My son is having a second baby in June. They will also have a 23 month old. There is a three day festival in another country I want to go to at that time. I was going to make it into a two week holiday.
they live 350 miles away so I would have to stay in a hotel. They have no other grandparents help.
Would I be unreasonable to go?

Why do her sister and parents get to do what they want, but you don't? Why are you enabling them to live their lives by missing the festival? Do these people even know or care that you're making sacrifices whilst they refuse to step up and help?

Probably because she knows what her sister is like! Asks for help
and then takes the piss by the sound of it! She’s a mother and chose to have these children and she needs to be left to manage them in my opinion! How else is she going to cope if she’s allowed to constantly rely on a pensioner and her husband?🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ a nanny and a cleaner sounds essentials and then you can come and visit and just be grandma and spend town time with the kids and NOT as a replacement cook cleaner and bottle washer!

Who has said she shouldn't have a life outside her family? I must've missed that.

Most has said obviously she should live her life as she sees fit but this situation is everyone's making, the ds and his wife but the op too for not putting boundaries in place sooner. The time to do that is not when a new baby is due imo.

The op needs to grin and bear it for now then explain she has other stuff on and make it clear when she will visit. At 350 miles away surely that will be infrequently.

How often do you visit now op?

And that’s nice but when do you get your own life?

She's 350 miles away. Surely she has her own life, she won't be doing their laundry and cooking every weekend or anything.

A birth is obviously an occasional occurrence, very easy to arrange trips around.

I’d be gutted if my Mother wanted to be at a festival rather than sharing in the joy of the birth of a new baby to the family, carrying on the family blood line. But then my Mother wouldn’t leave me.

No she wants to go to a festival but she is bring encouraged not to because despite having relatives on the doorstep and being a grown adult, DIL is apparently unable to cope with the kid she has. So a toddler and a baby will mean she will be even more incapable - presumably that’s okay though because she can have another one without having to console her own capacity.

If OP wants to go to the festival next year, it will be a problem I’m sure because the new one will be approaching its first birthday

Would you keep having kids when you weren’t able to cope with one?

You'd be gutted but the Op isn't expected to just 'share the joy', she's expected to look after the older kid and do the housework.and be available whenever they want her to be. That's quite different from just welcoming a baby.

Exactly. She knows she’s potentially going to be lumbered for the next few years - which is even more reason she should go to the festival and see it when its born.

@Ferguson0909which festival is it?

She lives 350 miles away. She’s hardly helping day in day out

Go to the festival if that’s what you want ! Her mother and sister are there . I can’t for the life of me understand how all the work and care and help for them has to just come from you. Of course it’s great to be needed and included, but there will be plenty of time for you to do all that as you definitely know .

I can’t understand how she is providing all the help and care either when she lives 350 miles away. OP hasn’t confirmed how often she goes to help though.

'My son pays for the hotel when I stay. He is paid well and he is talking about getting a nanny. But a nanny cannot replace a grandmothers love and care.'

Who said a nanny can't replace Granny's love and care, your ds or you op?

Again 350 miles away, so logistically can't be much practical support going on that distance and what with a weekly 100mile cycling hobby too?

Your feelings are your feelings. Anyone could understand you feeling fed up.
Take steps going forward to protect yourself and pace yourself with helping out, but if you do t go this time it WILL be remembered.
There’s nothing wrong in saying, “I’m 70 now and feeling my age a bit.” Just as a reminder.

No , she hasn’t confirmed how many times but she goes often at their request and is feeling taking for granted. She is the only one doing all the help and care regardless of how many times she goes because the other grandparents and sister do nothing .

The Op is clearly doing more than the DIL!

Would your son do a supermarket delivery when you come to visit with easy ready-made meals for you all - like quiche/potatoes/salad, pasta/sauce/garlic bread, etc? Then it’s easy for any of you to throw together, washing up is minimal (easily fits in a dishwasher) and reduces any expectation on you to cook. If he earns well, some convenience (but nutritious) food should be a small price to pay (and it might be something they can make work for them longer term).

Again, if he’s a decent earner would they consider a laundry service, a cleaner, a gardener, some childcare for the older child? This might reduce Mum’s overwhelm and mean Dad has some more time for himself?

I’m sure there’s other services out there which could help, and mean they don’t have to worry about too much other than the children.

I think as his Mum you can gently make suggestions, especially if you’re coming at it from the point of view of you’d like to get a bit more quality time when you come to visit, rather the running round looking after everyone.

Having been in the position of having no help as we have no parents. You can go to the festival but your help will be invaluable and mean a lot. Your son and daughter in law won't mention it to you if you go but actions speak louder than words and your actions will probably hurt.

My kids have a pair of grandparents like this and just today they were saying the death of their parents wouldn't materially change their lives. So sad.

If you don't want to do something. Then don't. To blame and be resentful to others because of something you are choosing to do.
It sounds almost like your only doing it for the praise.
If you were doing it simply because you cared then you wouldn't feel this way.
I say go on holiday enjoy yourself and allow them to find their way without you.
They are very grateful for what you do. They just don't throw you a party or have banners up.
It will be little gestures ones that you are probably not looking for because they don't come with strings attached.
You sound very bitter.
Go have fun. They will manage.

You sound pretty judgemental of your DIL. Having a toddler and being pregnant IS incredibly difficult. You make it sound like it’s some weird problem of hers rather than something objectively tough. Or like she’s unreasonable to expect her husband does a lot when she’s had a toddler all day and is probably absolutely knackered from the pregnancy.

Have you asked your son? When our grandson was born we asked if they needed our help, we also asked if they needed/wanted us at all! They both said no, they wanted at least a week to 10 days to bond as a family. We were told we would be most welcome after that. We went on holiday about an hour away from them (they live about 4hrs away from us!) after the first week and let them know we were around on their time. Since then it's always been on their time and I'm ok with that! It's their family we're just the extras, we would drop everything if they need us and they know that!
Ask them!

Given as you’re living 350 miles apart and not just around the corner, I would say that you’re not being unreasonable.
however, if they have asked for help around the time of the baby’s birth then you’re being unreasonable. But if they haven’t asked for help. Then go enjoy your holiday.