Holiday at the time of grandchild’s birth

[Ferguson0909]

My son is having a second baby in June. They will also have a 23 month old. There is a three day festival in another country I want to go to at that time. I was going to make it into a two week holiday.
they live 350 miles away so I would have to stay in a hotel. They have no other grandparents help.
Would I be unreasonable to go?

What a lovely grandma you are. They’re lucky to have someone like you. Have you had a chat with them about what they really want and have you thought about cutting the holiday a little shorter? Is the baby due before, after or during the festival? I don’t think you should just decide not to go without at least having a chat with them about the practicalities.

Are they needing you to be around to look after the older child when she is in labour?

You need to talk to your son and DIL and ask them what they are expecting to happen. They need to let you know what their plans are and whether you are part of those plans. It’s really rude of them not to have discussed this with you.

But they know they have one person as a support network (even though this is the time that they should perhaps be considering supporting the OP by not being so demanding).

So, despite not being able to cope with one kid without a lot of help, they have another 🙈

It does sound like they take you for granted and it is probably better if you offer less help going forward.

However getting someone to take care of baby 1 while Mum is in labour and how ever long she may have to remain in hospital is a very difficult role to fill and if they had thought you were going to do it and in their eyes you renege then it could cause huge damage to the relationship.

Hmm, well I think you’ll find that her husband/partner had something to do with that.
Anyway, even if you didn’t do it for the parents, I’d still want to be there for the older child to give stability.

If it damages the relationship it shows just how little regard they have for OP as a person. They would have a very selfish outlook then.

“Ferguson0909 · Today 06:45
My son pays for the hotel when I stay. He is paid well and he is talking about getting a nanny. But a nanny cannot replace a grandmothers love and care.”

@Ferguson0909 - don’t discourage your son from getting a nanny if that’s what he wants to do. It sounds like that’s what needed. We had a nanny for our 2 when i went back to work/paid employment. I worked 4 days a week and we had the nanny 4 days a week. Over a period of 5 years, we had 2 (each for a few years) and they were both lovely and my two DCs were very happy and well looked after. There was still plenty of opportunity for grandparent involvement.

That is a very valid but separate issue.

Be there for the birth but once they are through the early newborn stage let them know that realistically your energy levels are dropping, and how to manage to leave you less exhausted.

On balance, if you love being close to your Ds, DIL and DGC it is better to be embraced and needed rather than the ‘keep them at arms length’ attitude of many DILs on MN where MIL is only allowed a short visit a week or two after the birth…

She wasn’t coping with the first and apparently is not likely to cope when her husband goes back to work. They are both at fault but that’s doesn’t stop Op having to step up because they can’t cope and can’t get a support network

Well, are you 70 and frail, or sprightly enough to go to a 3 day concert and turn it into a 2 week holiday? Bail them now and what happens when you fall, break a hip and spend 12 hours on the floor waiting for an ambulance? How would you feel if your family left you to it and went for a holiday? That's the bed you're making here.

She doesn't HAVE to step up. The son is talking about getting a nanny. Time they did that to give OP a break maybe?

To answer a couple of questions. Her sister lives two streets away. No children. She will take toddler when she goes into labour until I get there. If not, she will have to go in on her own until I get there.
No specific request. Ie will you come? It is just assumed I will be there.

There are two separate things here:

1. availability to have the eldest while she’s in labour

2. help in the aftermath.

I Needed help with no.1 but not no.2. If there are no other grandparents, the biggest thing is probably no.1. If my daughters were in that position, I’d shift everything to make sure they could have someone with them for childbirth (assuming that is what they wanted).

If you don’t think you could manage as much of no.2 that’s fine and you should have a conversation about expectations but I really couldn’t prioritise an annual music festival over being around to support with childcare during childbirth. As it happens, my second was quite a bit faster than I was expecting after a 3 day marathon with my first. I am very grateful my in-laws ignored my husband’s ’oh she’s in labour so it’ll probably be another 24 hours before we need you’ and started travelling. As it was, we started panicking they weren’t going to make it and were about to knock on our next door neighbours and see if they’d take our 2 year old.

It sounds like she’s ‘needed’ more than ‘embraced’. At a time when she’s retired but still fit enough to do all that for them, she should be able to take some time for herself instead of having to rearrange her life (and possibly miss out in future years) because her DS/DIL are determined to add to their situation.

Assuming next year’s festival will be around the kid’s first birthday - pound to a penny OP will be guilted into not going then.

If she has a sister nearby then that changes my mind.

They have someone to look after the other child and provide extra help if needed.

I did the same with my sister when she gave birth.

You’re not needed so I would go to the festival.

I would visit when I came back instead.

Ask them honestly there so much contradictory advice
you’ve been slagged off for not going
yet we’ll have other threads about how new mums don’t want any visitors for the 1st week they just want there family bubble just the 4 of them

just go with what they want

To give “her” a break? Presumably it is also to give your son a break, unless he does nothing to raise his own family or keep his own home clean?

I note you also say that your DIL struggled to cope, is that because you raised a man who doesn’t lift a finger and sees it as women’s work? Because you clearly do from your posts.

Also, 70 is nothing, my parents are in their 80s with serious health issues, and still want to come and be involved. It’s nothing to do with “not being as fit as you used to be”, and everything to do with what you prioritise.

In this case you can choose not to prioritise your grandchildren and their parents but do expect the same consideration back when you might need support.

To deal with another question. I am reasonably fit. I am in a cycling club and, spread over the week, i cycle about 100 miles per week.
Her sister would not do any childcare other than that above. She once looked after the baby for a couple of hours in an emergency until I got there.

They are grown up enough to have a kid already that they can’t deal with.

It’s not for the OP to arrange cover so that someone can be with the DIL - they can think that out for themselves.

What if OP was ill when DIL went into labour? Even something mild that meant she shouldn’t be near a newborn?Relying so heavily on one person is never a good idea

Then perhaphs employing a house keeper might be a better option

There are plenty of ways to prevent a pregnancy and a woman always has the choice.

Well then she can step up for once . It’s a one off holiday. If I was your DS-DIL I would want you to take some time to enjoy yourself

Go! Go! You’re getting too old not to live and do the things you want and you’re becoming exhausted by childcare

Exactly and it would be them missing out as they sound a bit useless