Holiday at the time of grandchild’s birth

[Ferguson0909]

My son is having a second baby in June. They will also have a 23 month old. There is a three day festival in another country I want to go to at that time. I was going to make it into a two week holiday.
they live 350 miles away so I would have to stay in a hotel. They have no other grandparents help.
Would I be unreasonable to go?

Go to the festival! Maybe for a week rather than 2 weeks. They’re not young inexperienced parents who may need support. You need to tell your son to step up. He needs to do the cooking, cleaning and childcare. Don’t do it for him.

Totally unreasonable. This is the kind of thing my own mother would have done, and the kind of thing I’d learn from when I’m a grandmother myself.
It wouldn’t be so bad if they had other help.

If you feel taken for granted you should tell them that, don't go on a two week holiday when they will need your help instead of addressing the issue.

All that will happen is you'll miss the birth of your grandchild, they will be confused and sore about why you didn't want to be there, and it might cause a bit of a rift!

I bet they don't know you feel this way, most people are too caught up in their own stuff, especially with small children/ pregnancy.

Then it’s time for a conversation.

As parents, they are in the trenches of the early years. They may not realise that what you are doing is too much for you.. especially if you don’t tell them!

You need to talk to them an agree what you can help with.

Theres little point being resentful if you haven’t even communicated with them.

@Ferguson0909I have four children and am very close to my mother who was a complete angel when I had my first and really helped because he was so unsettled and I had a very difficult birth. When my second was due, they had already booked a holiday in Italy which they were going to cancel...I insisted they went and they arrived back 48 hours after my second was born. DH and DS1 had a great time together, I bonded with DD and by the time the GPs arrived, we were all much calmer.

If you want to go, I would do so. They have no 'right' to your help and if they take you for granted, maybe it is time for them to stand on their own two feet....my only question would be if they had someone else to help with the toddler whilst she's in labour etc? If not, then that is a bit different. I would also be having a frank discussion with them about how they treat you and what you are and aren't happy to do before the second one arrives!

@mumbleleaf nailed it.
definitely have a chat with them about future visits and explain you find it too tiring so whilst you are happy to help you can’t do it all.

Seriously? Hardly prioritising gratification, give the amount it appears she does. And it doesn’t matter if she gets tired after running round after them? Bloody hell.

They have chosen to have another, knowing they can’t cope without help already. So OP should go to the festival, if only to have a break before she has to give even more support.

Where does it end? When does Op get to put herself first for once and take the chance to enjoy herself?

Is it a case theywill need you for overnight care for the elder grandchild (which isnt easy to come by) or just There.

They shouldnt just be expecting things. But not going when they really need you might ruin the relationship.

Please don’t let strangers on the internet convince you to change the tone of your visit from tone and being part of your precious family to resentment and boundaries

So it doesn't matter if retired people are regularly exhausted by helping out their younger fitter relatives ? I hope you get more sympathy when you are old, everything hurts and you can't sleep properly, and recovering takes much longer than it used to. I have friends in their seventies who have had to stop doing childcare because thr stress of it made them chronically ill. Being old doesn't mean having more time plus the same energy.

Personally I would not mind if my mum or MIL went on as holiday for 2 weeks while I was giving birth. I understand that at 70 my mum does not want to put off some experiences or travels. Also the baby will still be a newborn 2 weeks later, your help will still be appreciated 2 weeks postpartum.
Of course if they take your for granted, that's another subject that would be addressed.

Why does it only work one way

Grandparents has to be on standby to do what they are told, grandparents only have permission if the mother doesnt want to live in a bubble and allows visitors

Want to do something yourself you need to check it is ok first

Please go to the festival OP. Most posters are coming from the angle of expecting help in that situation.

If they are decent people, they won’t want you to miss out. Let them put their own arrangements in place, I bet they would find a way if your son wad risking missing the birth.

Also you won’t be much help if you are burnt out from running round after them all the time!

‘The no contact came out of nowhere…’

Then they are the ones who will miss out on the help 🤷‍♀️

The relationship shouldn’t be dependant on how much help the OP can give.

It explains a lot about how transactional people on here can be though

It's 350 miles away and she has to stay in a hotel. I expect the OP has to pay for it.

I think if they are old enough to have children then they are old enough to stand on their own two feet on a single occasion when the OP wants to do something for her. It doesn't make her selfish, it doesn't make her not care about her family. There is alot of selfishness being demonstrated here and I don't think it's the OP.

I guess the time to address being taken for granted is not at the time of the birth. I am not sure how she is going to cope when he goes back to work. He already does all of the childcare when he is not at work. She has trouble coping.

Given this post I would say don't go. Your dil sees you as a crucial part of her support system. Wants you around and leans on you for support. If you like and value this relationship then prioritise her and your older grandchild.

You are not being unreasonable at all! Go to the festival and enjoy it! Both sets of grandparents were out of the country on holiday when my first child was born, for one set of grandparents it was their first grandchild. I woukd never have dreamed that they would have been sitting waiting at home for an event that could happen at any time.

As long as they have someone they can call in at any time to look after the eldest when she goes into labour then I would go and enjoy yourself!

My son pays for the hotel when I stay. He is paid well and he is talking about getting a nanny. But a nanny cannot replace a grandmothers love and care.

Yes, it will tell your son where your priorities lie.

A real individualist vs collectivist thread..

The modern western individualist thinking would be that:

They chose to have the baby. They are independent adults, and should be capable of dealing with their decisions
You are your own person and should be able to do what you want with your own life, if that is helping - ok - if that is not helping - ok - neither should be wrong.

The more older/traditional collectivist mindset would be that:

Responsibility to those around you (family) comes before personal satisfaction/happiness. Of course you should give help in anyway you can. Equally you should be able to expect help in return form those around you. If we all pay our responsibilities to each other, we all benefit together.

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Personally, I'm not sure which one is better... but what I am sure of is that everyone in the family needs to be on the same page. If you are willing to give up your happiness for them, you should be able to expect that in the future they do the same for you. And if you think that they won't, they will act as pure individuals when it suits them, but demand lots from you, then you have a problem. Only you know that.

If you got sick in a couple of years, and needed your son, would he drop his holiday and come to help you? That will be a telling answer, and guide your own decision.

Personally, I would expect my mother to come if she could. But equally I am 100% prepared to drop what I am doing and come to her, if it is possible as well.

Anyone who goes no contact because someone went to an event they had pre-planned is the problem. Especially when they are so often so helpful.