AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

It's hard to admit it to yourself but you have.

You fancy him, but he's not that interested in you anymore, beyond you housing him and his children for free......so he is sticking around.

The sunken cost fallacy applies here.
This isn't your last chance of a family.

You are NOT a family.

You are free housing to a man using you.
That is not a family or a relationship.

Its a convenience.
You are wasting your time and your childs peace and comfort are collateral damage.

Time to find your self respect and tell him to leave.
You deserve better and your child definitely does.

Don't allow yourself and your home to be used like this.

But you’re not happy now - nor will you be for the foreseeable future if things stay as they are.

Literally you are depriving your children of the financial support and the lifestyle that they should be having all of your money should be being poured into that kid
Not supporting three others that won’t even give you a backward glance if you end the relationship with their father
And their father won’t change the relationship to your benefit
This is actual madness

I just turned forty. He is (quite a few years) younger.

I can tell you now 40s were the best years of my life. I had more sex with 30-year-olds in that decade than I did when I was a 30-year-old.
Goodness don’t waste your beauty and your youth, please
Aside of everything else

You are being exploited here and really taken advantage of

Wow he has got it made! He’s also got you convinced that this is how blended family life works. Wake up op!

He's a freeloader and you PAY to clean up after his children??? They are his children, he needs to do all the child care for them and clean up or make them clean up.

Your child would be so much better off without this man and children in their home.
Sounds like you would get your life back too.
Keep the cleaner and have even more time for you and your son.

I think blending step children is incredibly hard. I am a very happy and fulfilled stepmother, but I am child free by choice. If I’d had children I just don’t think the logistics would have worked - not having children has meant I have always been able to flex around what DSC needed and I just don’t think that would have been possible if I’d also had my own children.

Its not just about what he wants. Its what best for you and your son.

You are putting his happiness and comfort before your own, even though he lives in your house. The fact that he doesn’t want to do things that cost him time, money effort doesn’t mean he shouldn’t have to. He’s an adult, and his ND is neither here nor there. Separate homes (he’ll have to rent if he can’t afford to buy) and the half hour or so distance to be nearer to his children’s school is nothing.

What on earth have I just read
so you have a cocklodger
youre a free nanny with a fanny

Let your new life begin at 40.

You might miss your ex partner for a while, after 5 years that would be normal. You won't miss the stress, chaos and lack of effort though.

No wonder the DP wouldn't be happy to live separately.

It isn't happy, though.

As for last chances, you certainly won't have any more chances if you remain unavailable... and he's vampiric, so he'll drain as much of you as it suits him to do. And what will be left afterwards?

I'm sure he wouldn't be happy living separately, but it's not for love of you, is it?

I think you need to sit down and decide if you can basically stick with it for another few years.
The ages they are it’s unlikely they will want to keep doing a 50/50 split for more than a couple of years because their mates etc will be more important etc
To be fair I have 3 children of my own and I’m with their Dad and it’s quite often draining, loud and chaotic and they are mine!
I think it comes with the territory of having multiple children and mine are all boys so eat tons, leave a trail wherever they go and seem to have no control over their limbs and squabble/bash…
I look at them now and already with the oldest one know he is pulling away from me, being more independent and all too soon the house will be quieter and calmer.
I think you are wrong not to charge him rent and he was wrong to make you feel bad about taking it.
The wear and tear on your house/appliances for having 3 extra children around will be costing more.
If you are uncomfortable charging rent then I would charge a 1/3 of the amount that you were charging and say it’s for wear and tear. Put that money aside for your child if you don’t need it but to me it’s fair that a contribution should be made to your house as he is no doubt saving loads by being able to live in your house.
If your relationship is otherwise good, it sounds like he does his share of cooking, cleaning and admin then it really comes down to if you put up with the chaos.
If you can’t then he needs to look into alternative living arrangements but he’s right to insist on having the 50/50 with his children.

Oh and we have been married 30 odd years
and we live in my house now
DH still has his house and a friends son rents a room there at a cheap rate

blended families someone always has to give up stuff

He does have to live there with them. It’s once a fortnight on a weekend.

🙄 no I do not look after his children. Cocklodger I grant you (a word I just learned and think is brilliant) but nanny w a fanny, no. I do not look after his kids. He does.

I think you mean every other week, not weekend. He does full week on, full week off.

And also having to pay for his own house.

I think it rarely works 'well' but had a very good friend who is much older than me who was a single mum of two who met a single dad of two (their mum ran off but came back with a new man & covered weekend's only a few year's later). My friend absolutely refused to live with her partner but they used to stay at each other's houses a few nights a week, their kid's were teenagers. Long story short they lived in separate house's until all 4 kid's had gone off to university then married, sold one of their home's & moved in together and I honestly think they have been the most successful blended family I know. Good luck x

I bet he’s got a nice little nest egg stashed away with all the money that he’s been saving
At least a grand a month
And if he hasn’t, that would raise more questions

im so sorry op, but I think he was nice to you when he needed to be. Made you laugh, made you happy. Then he got what he wanted, a house big enough for his dc, and he can’t be arsed any more. He can’t even be arsed to take you out for a walk. Stop thinking about how wonderful he used to be, that’s gone and irrelevant. Only how he’s behaving now matters.

So he has GUILTED YOU into not charging him rent? This is very different to you unilaterally deciding not to charge him rent (which in itself would have been madness)

Would love to know how the rest of your finances work - my bet is it's all in his favour.

Fuck me, what a prince you've found yourself here.