AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

He's not an irredeemable arsehole but he's a piss taker of massive proportions. Did he make you feel guilty about charging him rent?

Yes.

I'm struggling to see what he contributes to this arrangement.

Of course he doesn’t. He’s taking advantage of you and it’s working out delightfully for him.

You may love him, but he loves what you provide for him. Take that away and he’ll be off without a backwards glance. Only you can decide if that’s enough for you, to not be loved for yourself.

I think the bigger problem here is that he has list interest in actually spending time with you. The time you have together he spends gaming. This would make anyone feel unappreciated and like they are just a house slave, especially when the other adult comes as a package of 4. He doesn’t clean, he cooks half the time. Your life would be much easier if you lived with just your child. His life would be much harder and it doesn’t sound like he could even afford to house them without you footing the bill. You’re facilitating his life and he’s not showing much appreciation to you as a human for doing that.

He's not decent.
He's landed on his feet with a woman prepared to put him first, ahead of her own child.

The OP is in spectacular denial.

Of course her child can see the mess, the chaos, the stress their mum is under.
Of course the OP is diverting money housing them all and no doubt responsible for the wear and tear that him and his feral children are causing.

Your child will absolutely judge you increasingly for the chaos this relationship has brought into their lives.

Especially as the teenage years hit and they will hardly be rushing to bring friends home.

He has his head switched on when it came to rent though!

Not overwhelmed then was he?

So no problem when it comes to complete clarity when it comes to money, free rent, not cleaning up and you paying for a cleaner?

Yea right OP.

He's an absolute prince.

He say you and your house from miles off.
You 100% have put this cocklodger ahead of whats best for your child, whatever you tell yourself.

Wake up.

He's wide awake and miles ahead of you.

I don’t know who you are…. But thank you. This rings true, especially this:

”You have not put them first in your rush to house this cocklodger and his 3 children, no matter what you try and tell yourself.
Oh and he will no doubt promise you anything to avoid moving out.
There aren't that many women dying to take on what you have, at the expense of their own home, peace, and that of their child.”

thanks.

This isn’t good op. You have leapt to his defense often on this thread, but it might be worth having a proper think about what you get out of this.

Me and DH have separate houses always have
he’s had his house I have mine
when the kids ( all grown up now ) were young DH would have them on his weekends and live with me the rest of the time with my DC

no one was under any pressure to give anything up

there is no way I was going to give up my house to blend a family
as it is all the kids got on fine cos they weren’t forced to be together

This would be a good test of his thoughts about you. If it’s you he wants, he would be perfectly happy to live separately. If it’s the assets, he’ll end the relationship if he’s not able to use your house.

I think you may have misunderstood’cocklodger’ up thread op. It isn’t a positive term. It’s a bloke who uses a woman for lodgings and all he brings is a cock.

Oh the posts may be hard reading and brutal, but we are on YOUR side.
Not his.
The advice is free and there to give you the other side of what your gut may be trying to warn you of, even if it isn't palatable.

Sorry but I think you are not being honest with yourself. He is financially taking you for a ride.

The right solution is for him to rent a home 30 mins away ( it’s nothing ) . The kids can still hang out without having step sibling relationships rammed down their throats . You will have more money to spend on DS and a quieter calmer home . DP and you can spend time together when he doesn’t have the kids and you will stop having to nag him about the house and his disorganization.
The only loser is DP who has to pay rent and loses his childcare and housekeeper.

Yeah you're being unreasonable. This isn't a great situation but the blended thing is not the only problem, so making it all about that is lazy and avoidant. We all want confirmation bias but you're clutching at straws.

Many blended families work well, many 'traditional' families are shitshows.

Bc it feels like my last chance at a happy relationship and happy family. Like if I give up I’ll never be happy. Sunken costs of five years already… Also I still really fancy him and we used to be happy and laugh a lot. Occasionally when it’s just the two of us I feel that again. But it’s so rare. And I have to twist his arm to do things with me, like go for a walk. He doesn’t see the point unless it’s something super risky/adrenaline heavy (I think that’s an ADHD thing).

Wow make sure he pays his way and especially for the cleaner!! Other than that he needs to do more around the house and cook more. Simple as. You can't afford to house him and three kids that aren't yours!!

This

lol I haven’t misunderstood. I’d just never heard it before and think it’s brilliant (and 💯 accurate and apt in this situation)

Maybe your DP can buy a house and you and your child can spend a few nights there making a mess while he has his kids and he can pay for a cleaner to deal with it

He can’t afford to buy a house. I think he would struggle to rent somewhere big enough. He owns a one bedroom flat near their school but says he couldn’t live there with them, too small

Why would this be your " last chance"?
Are you 98 years old? And even then, not necessarily.

You are settling OP.
Settling for a man who not only is not making you happy but he is blatantly using you.

But that’s not your problem to solve.

Why would this be your last chance at happiness?

That’s only true if you stay and waste your life on this loser because you’d be potentially missing out on somebody else who’s fantastic and wants an equal partnership with you.

Raise your standards and want more for yourself and your child.

You say this is your last chance at happiness and a happy family but you don’t actually have either of those right now. You’re hanging onto something that isn’t even there.

He pays no rent despite having his three kids there 50% of the time, plus you pay for the cleaner to clean up after him and his kids. Of course he wouldn’t want to move out! But if he really lived and respected you, he’d understand that it’s too much and you need your own space.

Does your child REALLY look forward to them coming or is he saying that to keep the peace? Does he just like them coming because he gets more screen time, junk food etc. It can’t be very stable for him having three neurodivergent kids with loads of screens on one week, then just him the next.

Hopefully your “partner” has been saving all the money he’s not spending on rent and will have enough for a deposit on his own place.

He should be paying for a cleaner, not you.

If 3/4 of the children in the household are your partner's, it would be reasonable for him to do 3/4 of the parenting, at least when all of them are there.