AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

He definitely doesn’t. I have no idea how but he doesn’t seem able to save any money. A lot goes to his x and his mortgage/maintenance on empty flat… then bills and grocery for our house.

But they are only there every other weekend???

Good for you

No, week on week off.

What's that saying about how quickly a man falls in love when he needs a roof over his head?
You are his sugar mummy... hmm actually that cant be right can it? A sugar daddy is the one who holds the power/gets the most benefit in a sugar daddy/sugar baby set up whereas you seem to be the loser here.
I guess you're just another woman who has unwittingly allowed herself to be exploited by a man.

Oh, so he sees you as his sugar mama? Well that’s certainly… illuminating but it’s also gross and unattractive. He’s got three bloody kids, he shouldn’t need you or anyone else to take care of him.

And he fritters away all of his money? He really is an overgrown child, isn’t he?

This is my Mum (2 children) and Stepdad widowed with two children. Separate houses until all children left home then sold one house and moved together, never married . Everyone was happy and we went on holiday together. We all stayed at each other houses as well . It worked a treat x

Why is that his choice? How can you not see this isn’t normal? He’s not paying rent for living in the house where his kids are 50% of the time because “it’s not fair.”

I’m going to call my landlord tomorrow and tell them I won’t be paying my rent this month because it’s not fair.

Please have a word with yourself 🙄.

Yes, his life is massively improved by being with the OP. Whereas her life is diminished.

I pay a cleaner to come on the day they leave.

er why? Why is he not a). cleaning up after his own children or b) paying the cleaner?

I’m actually starting to think this thread isn’t real. Nobody can be this dense and naive, surely.

The bit that struck me was this bit “Parter and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early.’

Is this worth the chaos and other downsides you’ve spoken about? It doesn’t sound to me like the relationship is strong enough to really be accepting the chaos and stress you’ve described.

That’s unnecessarily rude. Lucky you that this isn’t your life but it is mine.

OP are you mad? He definitely should be paying rent.

He doesn’t save any money now, because he doesn’t have to. He could rent his empty flat and use some of that income towards rent for a bigger place for him and the children . Or sell it and put that money towards a deposit to buy somewhere new. How much is he paying his ex-wife, if he has the children 50% of the time?

Why can't he sell the flat and use the equity as a deposit on a bigger house for him and his children @PithyBeaker ? He already has a mortgage.

He's even worse in reality than a cocklodger, freeloads in your home while keeping his own asset and has no savings. He can move back to his empty flat with immediate effect so he can't claim no where to go.

This.

This isn’t a blended family issue this is an issue of an autistic man who can’t cope with managing his own family life, but has you to step in and compensate for his inadequacy. And then his kids are ND too which creates extra demands on you.

I would leave this shit storm of work and exhaustion for you. I think you’ll find your kids would prefer to live just with you too.

The not taking his money thing is bizarre!! He should be contributing to your joint household expenses! Hubs already had our house when we got together so all the bills etc come out of his account but I transfer my share to him every month!!

He did try to rent out the flat but it didn’t bring in enough to offset the hassle. And yes we have argued about him paying X when technically he doesn’t have to bc we have kids full 50 % of the time. He won’t hear of not paying her though. Feels guilty she sacrificed her career at his expense when kids were little so feels he should contribute now.

For the last time. He pays ALL household bills every month (almost a grand) but not rent. Groceries are proportionate. Please read all posts.

We have a blended family and in hindsight it may have been better for us to not move in with each other as there has been a lot of conflict between our kids.

I think it can work out in some situations but it really depends heavily on the personalities involved.

Honestly I think you are being unfair. OP is a kind person who wants to help people, when people exploit you they tend to do it gradually so it takes a long time to realise. The other exploiter doesnt want to lose the cushy life they have, so they gaslight you, keep you sweet, do whatever it takes to keep the gravy train running.
Meanwhile you have become emotionally bonded to this person and it's hard to see the wood for the trees.

He is trying to sell the flat but it won’t budge for even close to what he paid for it.

You've got a freeloader and his kids gradually taking over what should be yours and your child's.
Don't make excuses for him/the situation. I really don't think it sounds healthy at all.

Where is his guilt from being a freeloader and using you?

Pathetic excuse for a man. Sounds like he only shares parenting now because he uses your home and never prioritised having a home big enough himself to house his children.