AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

You what now?!? He lives there.

I would leave in your situation. It's not good for you or your daughter.

im moving in with my partner of 3 years soon. I have 2 and he has 3. Very different ages and no competition between the kids. My partner is kind, competent; he cooks and cleans, I don't pic up any extra work as a result of being together.

Poor decisions, past and future, impact the kids too. One thing you can be certain of is that the kids will eventually grow up and no longer visit every other weekend - you just need to decide if you can show then the patience and love of a substitute parent in the meantime.

The derogatory comments you've received about your dp on this thread are over the top. The examples you gave of poor behaviour, and his reaction to them, seem very normal for a family of 3 kids. But your partner and his kids are a package. It's all or nothing.

DP and his 3 DC’s live rent-free in your’s and your son’s house?
You and DP both work full-time but you’re the only one who pays for the accommodation for all of you (including 4 extra people who are not yours to pay for)?
DP’s kids are un-housetrained and come with additional ND needs - something that will have an impact on your own DS.
When DP’s kids have gone back to their mum’s, leaving a trail of destruction and mess in your home, YOU pay for a cleaner to clean up after DP’s unruly children?

This sounds unbelievable. Without wishing to make you feel bad OP, how and why have you let this dynamic come about? The uneven finances, the rent-free living, the “blending” of 4 very different teens, the poor attitude towards your home, and then you being out of pocket cleaning up after them instead of their own feckless father.

This is one of the clearest cases of cock-lodgery I’ve seen on here over the years. And you have you own poor DC to think of. You say he loves them all coming, but I bet you £1000 if you were to tell him “step-dad and his feral kids are going to be moving to a nice place of their own just around the corner soon, so we’ll still be able to do things together sometimes but it will be just me and you in this house from now on”…I BET his little face would light up. And then you’d have your answer that this was the right course of action x

I didn't mean reduce the amount of contact just the amount of consecutive days, more like a 3 days with one parent then 4 days with the other. Then 4 days and 3 days situation. It depends on how amenable their Mum is to this.

It also depends on school run logistics too.

How come he doesn't have to do anything he's unhappy about, but you do?

Tell him if he wants to stay living with you and having his kids there one week in two, then he and they need to clean up. Because you 'won't hear of it' being any other way. Two can play that game.

I’m sorry but you obviously haven’t read any of my posts. He and I share the cooking. I most certainly do NOT do all the cooking. And my DC loves having his kids come every other week. As I said in my OP, they all get along and he enjoys their company. They play well together for the most part. I am certainly not a perfect mother but frankly nor are you. So hold fire with the “your child will judge you” BS. Not needed. I am already my own worst critic. The whole reason I am wondering what to do is to figure out what is best for my DC - who loves having DP’s kids around, while I find it draining. But thanks for your helpful (generic) commentary

This is a clever measure take. Exactly this. I love him and he is a package with kids. Which I knew. I was naive perhaps in not realising how draining. And he is not perfect but he is not an irredeemable arsehole as most people seem to assume

That's human nature, the families where it's working are just getting on with it.

I don’t believe this. Poor child. You got a
loser in who doesn’t even give you any money, you pay for a cleaner who cleans after his kids mess and every two weeks your house is taken over by his kids. Why do you not prioritise your own child?

AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end?

They can work. Some are very happy. But it's true that they have a load of potential issues that original families don't have, and when you consider how many of those are dysfunctional, it's not surprising that blended families often find it even harder...especially since there was usually some sort of dysfunction or tragedy in the original families too, which is why they are no longer in their original form.

And yes, in families of any configuration, more often than not it does seem to be the woman, or at least a woman, who is expected to absorb and mitigate all the shit. Maybe it's different with same sex couples, I don't know. I don't think it helps that men who want to blend families often do it precisely because they want a woman doing the donkey work and acting as an emotional kitchen sponge for everyone.

ETA: And, in your case apparently, because he wanted to live rent and mortgage free...

Oh OP. Come on. Nobody who loves you would exploit you like this.

They wouldn’t move in round the corner bc their school is a good half hour away so he would move closer to it. So my DC would def have reduced contact w his kids if they moved out. Also he does pay for all the household bills and we split groceries proportionately

Is there any chance of you setting out a tasks and cleaning rota and his kids are slotted into it when they are at YOUR OWN
house? This way they can be taught how to carry on in a civilised environment. Also, why isn’t he paying for the cleaner? What does he actually contribute financially?

Well, frankly, it doesn’t matter whether you believe it. It is true. DC was an only child for many years and now loves having other kids around half the time. As for money, he pays all household bills, just not rent. And we split groceries.

Pays all household bills and proportionate amount of groceries to mouths fed. He says he would clean rather than have a cleaner come in but I’d rather pay for a cleaner so I don’t have to nag him to do it straight away. Which is why I pay.

We did 2/2/3 split before. It was much worse.

I have read your posts.
I suggest you re read them.
Unhealthy competition.
Chaos in the house.
Filthy feral children.
You parenting his children.
Their mess everywhere because of poor parenting.
A partner that doesn't pull his weight.
You absolutely exhausted.
Housing him and paying for a cleaner after HIS children.
Him overwhelmed with even cooking.
He games.
Not interested in working on things because he is fine and dandy living off you.

You are back tracking.
Read your own posts again.

Your child is tolerating your choices, because they have zero choice in the matter.
Your child has endured his parents divorcing.
You have not put them first in your rush to house this cocklodger and his 3 children, no matter what you try and tell yourself.

Oh and he will no doubt promise you anything to avoid moving out.
There aren't that many women dying to take on what you have, at the expense of their own home, peace, and that of their child.

You have made life easier & cheaper for him & harder & more expensive for you. No wonder he doesn't want to change anything.

Ok, so you’ve presented a different financial position now to your original post of ‘I couldn’t ask him for rent.’ It was kind of pertinent at that point to detail that in lieu of that he pays all the bills. Which is possibly even.

You need to sit him down and tell him that you want some things to change - at the very least he should be paying for the cleaner, he doesn’t even pay rent so I’m sure he can afford it.

It would be a gesture to ackowledge that when his kids are gone you want your house back the way it was.

Ultimately, he will probably resist any change because the current set up serves him very well.

You say you love him, but resentment may eat away at that over time.

If he wants this relationship to last, he needs to compromise more.

Hummmm it’s a hard one but it seems to me you are not ready for big family life and you don’t seem to enjoy it at all so maybe time to end the relationship and find someone suitable and let him be and maybe try and find someone who will be ok with it ? Being a mum to 1 is not the same as being even a part time carer to 4 .
Once you get to the 3rd kid there is a lot if stuff you don’t stress about , it’s q process and going from 1 to 4 is not easy

You pay to house him.
You pay to house his DC.
You pay for the cleaner after his DC wreck your home.
You are emotionally and mentally exhausted.

So this man is draining you financially and emotionally. Those are resources being denied to YOUR child by this man. What happens if his DC decide they prefer to live with you full time? How much are you willing to divert from your DC to please this man? I know you say your DC loves having those DC in the home, but your DC is just that a child, and doesn't get to make decisions for adults. Kids love all sorts of stuff that's not good for them, it's the adults responsibility to make decisions that may not be popular but are necessary.

Of course he doesn't.
He'd have to pay rent and clean up after them himself. He knows exactly what he's doing.

I think you know deep down that this situation is unsustainable.
Fast forward a couple of years when they are ALL raging adolescents. Will you be happy holding the fort and funding them all whilst he gets overwhelmed and "games"
Nothing is going to change.
Your happiness matters.
Your peace matters.
And a decent man would not be content to use you whist sacrificing your peace and happiness.

Why doesnt your happiness seem to matter to anyone in this scenario? I get that you love him but he's really taking advantage of you here.

You said youve already tried talking to him so he knows how you feel but honestly he doesnt care. So now what? You stay together and things remain as they are. You continue to feel unhappy and resentful, being mum to challenging kids who aren't yours 50 percent of the time with them wrecking your home, your man gaming and just spending his money on whatever because he pays no rent. Is he even paying for their food at yours? I imagine not, so all this money you should be spending on your own son is subsidiesing him and his kids. I dont think love would be enough to keep me in that situation.

WTF.

So he’s living in your home RENT FREE and he has more people living in it than you do?

The reason your life is miserable is because he’s lazy and is expecting you to be his housemaid.

You should expect and accept nothing less than an equal partner who’s paying their equal share of the house hold bills and who can do the absolute basics like cleaning up after themselves and their children!

Why are you playing out of your own pocket for a cleaner for when his children leave?

Of course he wouldn’t want to leave the house, he’s living for free 🤦🏽‍♀️

You need to sit him down, tell him he has to pay half of the bills, start making an effort with the house or start paying for the cleaner himself or better yet just get rid of him. Why are you so ok with living with this unnecessary stress for a subpar partner.