AIBU to expect parents to balance support between adult children?

[Mirrormirroronthewal]

Am I being unreasonable to think that if you help one adult child, you should be prepared to help the other too?

I completely understand that circumstances can differ, and support isn’t always going to look identical. But if one child gets significant help, whether financial, childcare, babysitting, or general practical support, and the other doesn’t, it’s a bit naive to assume that won’t have an impact on the relationship.

Regular babysitting, being on hand for childcare, school runs, being on call can make a huge difference to one adult child’s life compared to another’s.

If you commit to helping with grandchildren, for example, and then another one comes along, that help may need to be redistributed. It can’t always just stay fixed in one place without affecting others.

I’m currently pregnant, and my SIL currently gets two days a week of help from her parents and one day from mine. She had been planning to increase her working days around Christmas, but has now brought that forward to get two regular days established with my parents before my baby arrives.

I feel like this is something for my parents to manage. If they don’t want to do more than two days a week in total, I completely understand that, in fact if they don’t want to do anything that’s fine too. But then it’s up to them how they divide that time. It shouldn’t be on me to just miss out or manage because arrangements have already been made.

Parents are, of course, free to do as they choose. But you can’t really act surprised if one relationship becomes strained as a result.

You should have said, oh I assumed you would help with childcare like you do for brother.

Make her explain her lack of care for you out loud. Like when she said she was happy to pick up grandkids but not her own daughter.

Its an important step in breaking free from this relationship, which would be for the best as hard as that sounds.

She's just going to keep hurting you.

Well yes, if you’ve moved too far away to see much of your parents of fucking course you don’t hold that against them. But if you live 15 minutes away, your brother close to an hour away, and your brothers children get 110% of your parents focus, literally all of it, while you and yours get ignored, that’s different. Thats shitty parenting and grandparenting from the grandparents and the adult children are fully entitled to judge and step away. I won’t be at all surprised if dhs sibling who’s had by far the most support from parents is also the least available when they need support, but I won’t be on the visit roster in their place. I’ll happily call out the utter hypocrisy when I say no.

The OP's mum is already providing childcare. OP wants her to provide more.

Funny how the expectations just keep increasing for grandmothers but grandfathers pretty much get left alone.

The ops mum has literally just offered to increase her childcare … for her other grandchild she already looks after. Thats why I think she is willing to do more grandparenting than she currently does, not because of some imaginary scenario in my head but because this grandma has said hey of course I can cover an extra day a week, all good!

I’m so tired of this why aren’t you pointing out grandfathers as some kind of gotcha . He doesn’t seem to be offfering extra days of childcare around to call out why some of them aren’t for his daughter. I frequently post supporting women to tell their dh to pull their head out and be a dad which includes childcare cooking and washing, but I’m not going to tell a mum to tell her father that because what’s the point? And if they’re a 70 year old man who’s never changed a nappy or fed a baby what mum really wants them to start with her newborn? Not me.

in any case the Easter Sunday story tells us all that there is a long history of little support and affection for the op and all of it going to her brothers family, and she should step right back. She will be a new mum without support, she needs to make sure her energy goes on her family not her parents.

Yes, she has offered to do extra childcare for the other grandchild. That does not automatically mean she genuinely wants more childcare or that it is coming from a completely free choice. A lot of women of that generation are used to stepping in, keeping things running and saying yes even when they are tired. That is not imaginary, it is how they have been socialised for years.

The point about grandfathers is not some clever gotcha, it is exactly the issue. You say there is no point in challenging older men, but that is how the imbalance carries on. If we accept that men just do not do childcare, then of course the responsibility keeps landing on women.

Saying a 70 year old man cannot be expected to help because he has never done it just proves the point. He has never done it because he was never expected to. Women were not born knowing how to look after babies either, they learned because they had to.

It is not really about forcing anyone to hand over a newborn to someone clueless. It is about why the focus is on the grandmother stepping up again, while the grandfather and the child’s own father are not part of the conversation.

It doesn’t prove any point. Yes there have been enormous imbalances in gender relationships, but you fix the imbalance with dads. Our kids will happily leave their babies with dh and he will be equally grandparenting, because he does all the parenting things with them, and they will be super comfortable he can. That took work but it was really important to me. I’m not suggesting grandmas operate in a vacuum, but they should be fair however they are operating. (My mil quit work when her first gc were on the way, she’d been very unsubtly waiting for this stage for years, so they certainly don’t all feel pressured to help.)

Is there some background context OP? Has this been the general dynamic between you and your brother and parents? I get why you are annoyed, but it doesn't sound like you have actually openly asked your parents for childcare. I know you feel like they should be actively offering, but to be fair you actually dont know how things went down when they started doing childcare for your brother. It sounds like your brother may have actually asked for help and they agreed? I think its also worth considering that circumstances do play a role in the help and support needed and given. It sounds like your brother and his wife work long hours so can't actually make it to the nursery for pick up time so they do actually need the childcare. Maybe your mum assumes that if you dont work late then you can make pick up and therefore don't need that particular help? It might be that they will help in other ways, for example when baby is older having them on ad hoc days when you have plans/ appointments or nights away? My siblings and I all receive some form of support from our parents but it does look very different and certainly my sister gets the most regular childcare due to her particular circumstances. Thats ok with me but if you feel upset then I think the best thing you can do is actually discuss it openly with your parents and tell them what help you think you need.

I'm sorry, @Mirrormirroronthewal I can feel your hurt.
I wouldn't want to discuss it with parents as it's obvious that the same support isn't coming your way so what's the point? It'd definitely be colouring my opinion going foward, too.