AIBU to expect parents to balance support between adult children?

[Mirrormirroronthewal]

Am I being unreasonable to think that if you help one adult child, you should be prepared to help the other too?

I completely understand that circumstances can differ, and support isn’t always going to look identical. But if one child gets significant help, whether financial, childcare, babysitting, or general practical support, and the other doesn’t, it’s a bit naive to assume that won’t have an impact on the relationship.

Regular babysitting, being on hand for childcare, school runs, being on call can make a huge difference to one adult child’s life compared to another’s.

If you commit to helping with grandchildren, for example, and then another one comes along, that help may need to be redistributed. It can’t always just stay fixed in one place without affecting others.

I’m currently pregnant, and my SIL currently gets two days a week of help from her parents and one day from mine. She had been planning to increase her working days around Christmas, but has now brought that forward to get two regular days established with my parents before my baby arrives.

I feel like this is something for my parents to manage. If they don’t want to do more than two days a week in total, I completely understand that, in fact if they don’t want to do anything that’s fine too. But then it’s up to them how they divide that time. It shouldn’t be on me to just miss out or manage because arrangements have already been made.

Parents are, of course, free to do as they choose. But you can’t really act surprised if one relationship becomes strained as a result.

My parents don't really balance support - I live a lot further away. Dsis was still getting health insurance paid for. It doesn't bother me. I did get help at different times when I needed it. And maybe dsis will have to help them more when they need it.

In my personal situation it doesn’t balance out

My mother has my daughter often and a lot because I work so she has the holidays etc. my sister who can’t work because of one of her child’s needs doesn’t get help as much - I am her help. My mums excuses are that I work so I should get the help where as I believe it should be for both of us.

I personally want to get a job where my mother doesn’t have to facilitate my childcare because I think it’s her time to live and only have her grandchildren every so often

When dh and I had our first child bils two boys were 14 and 15 by the time we had our last they were 21 and 20. The support mil was able to provide (fil passed from cancer before our youngest was born) to our children was very different to what she could provde for bils two where she was 15-20 years younger..

This was not because mil didnt care. She was a loving grandma who loved her 8 grandchildren but what she could provide as an 60 year old was very different to what she could as a 75 year old. I never saw that as mil being unfair thats just life.

Dd1 has recently married and they are discussing children. Her mil currently looks after their daughters two children 3 days a week. They also live 5 hours drive fro. Dd1 and son in law. Reality is they wont get the same level of support from his mum due to distance. Again not due to grandma being unwilling its more about circumstances
I dont think because dd1 and son in law lives away from his family this should equal his sisters children should not get support from grandparents.

Its rarely black and white sometimes support looks different. MIL babysat ours perhaps 4 times in total over the years but she was ab engaged and involved grandma who is dearly missed by all of her grandchildren I never felt we missed out despite bil and also sil (dhs sisters) children got regular babysitting. She could do that when they had children but not when We did. Thats ok.

Why didn’t your brother drive his wife and baby to the meet up?

What an incredibly thick response unless you know 100% you're the ops next door neighbour.

you have no idea of the accessibility in the OP's area. I love in London, I can get a cab anytime I want frankly, Friend lives in a tiny village near Winchester, there is one taxi company with 2 drivers and no uber. If neither driver wants to work or is out then guess what, no taxis.

Is it that hard to understand not everywhere is the same?

Op this usually happens if the brother is the favourite I think you should just sit with your dp and say are you able to help out with any childcare before I book his.her place. Your dp are not mind readers yes they help your sil she has obviously asked. If they say no then it’s on you and you will probably become resentful and the relationship dynamic might change but it’s best to ask than just assume.

I've witnessed this with my in-laws. DH and his DB are treated very differently. Along the lines of, one was bought a house outright and the other not... My DH is the more responsible one and has never needed financial help which I'm very glad of, but it does sting a bit to see the massive difference in how they are treated.

This is awful, OP - they let you miss the family easter lunch?! There are deep issues of unfairness at play here. Without knowing any more details, I foresee disappointment for you. Sadly and unfairly, some parents have favourites. Remember that you are worthy of fair treatment. I am unfortunately v low contact with my mother due to this issue.

@Mirrormirroronthewal
Im going to put it out there (maybe im wrong)
I think its interesting you wont discuss t directly and it reminds me of my dh who I think is in a similar boat....

My guess is:
Your db is the favorite.
Possibly higher/ "better"educated.
He and her are high earners.
they live in a fancier house.
Your parents are vaguely dazzled by all this.
When you see them all they do in bang on about your brother & co.

Honestly you are wasting your time.
Your mother (wrongly) isnt interested.
Its very hurtful.
It will be more hurtful when your child arrives.

@Miranda65 ”Why do all these adult children need support when we never did? We’re childfree”
You answered your own question, Miranda 🙄

Things will naturally change when you have your baby. Your DM IME will be closer to your child in the future, it’s more natural.
SIL will have to reassess her childcare options.

@Mirrormirroronthewal Is your brother the golden child? Because I just can't fathom that they would drive 45 minutes to pick up SIL but refuse to take you who lives 15 min away. I would be hurt and mad as fuck.

Having read that I think that unfortunately your parents seem to have "chosen" your brother and SIL and they seem like they don't give a fuck about you (letting you sit home on your own) so do not expect any help with childcare or whatever. Personally I would reduce contact with parents like this.

Are you saying that you outright asked for a lift and they said no. But they made a 90 minute round trip for your SIL?

I voted YABU as I think it is far too dependent on circumstances.

My parents did what they reasonably could to support each of us as any circumstance presented itself.
I know they supported each of us differently at different times of our lives, as all of our circumstances were different.
We all felt loved and never resented that fact that one sibling received more babysitting, but one received some financial support and one perhaps got more of their time in another way.
So many things affect both what they were able to offer, but also what actual support might have been needed by each of us. Being supported by our parents to try to meet our needs at that time does not usually mean getting the same support.

I am the same with my adult dc. They need different things from me. The thing that is consistent is that we love them equally and we treat them as individuals.

So again all parents of adults are there for is to provide money or services?

I agree with you OP, they should try to be fair.

No.
Support and love. Sometimes a listening ear. Sometimes advice. But yes, sometimes - if a loan or a gift could make a real difference to my dc and I had the money to spare, why wouldn't I ? Same as spending time with Grandchildren to allow my dc a bit of a break. If my health and my time allows, why wouldn't I ?

Ah right, so they’re not actually providing the all day childcare you want? After nursery care once a week? So from 7pm-8pm once a week?

I don’t want all day childcare? And they look after my niece from 4:30 until 9pm or later. This increased this week to 2 days a week.

I hadn’t asked for any childcare at all, I had just mentioned the nursery I was looking at and my mother looked up the opening times and told me I should probably pick the other because the one we like closes at 5:30 and how would we make that work. She was making it clear she won’t do pick ups for us.

Yes. And they have been making the same trip for my SIL for 2 years on a regular basis. This is the first time I’d ever asked. My SIL is happy to drive herself to her own friends or family but will always take a lift if she can get one because she doesn’t like driving

What happens on the other three days - does DBro/SIL finish early?

I’ve already said. She was working three days a week, her parents were doing 2, an mine were doing 1. She’s now moved to 4 days a week so both sets of grandparents are doing 2 days a week.

If I were your mum I’d be saying to you and my son that I’d like to split my caring duties evenly between the two of you. I think that’s fair enough.

Ah, sorry - thanks for clarifying.

I'm constantly amazed by the number of adults looking for support from their parents. Do we not bring up children to become independent adults any more? My main aim with my DC is that they reach adulthood with the ability to take responsibility for themselves regardless of what I might be able to help them with.