AIBU to expect parents to balance support between adult children?

[Mirrormirroronthewal]

Am I being unreasonable to think that if you help one adult child, you should be prepared to help the other too?

I completely understand that circumstances can differ, and support isn’t always going to look identical. But if one child gets significant help, whether financial, childcare, babysitting, or general practical support, and the other doesn’t, it’s a bit naive to assume that won’t have an impact on the relationship.

Regular babysitting, being on hand for childcare, school runs, being on call can make a huge difference to one adult child’s life compared to another’s.

If you commit to helping with grandchildren, for example, and then another one comes along, that help may need to be redistributed. It can’t always just stay fixed in one place without affecting others.

I’m currently pregnant, and my SIL currently gets two days a week of help from her parents and one day from mine. She had been planning to increase her working days around Christmas, but has now brought that forward to get two regular days established with my parents before my baby arrives.

I feel like this is something for my parents to manage. If they don’t want to do more than two days a week in total, I completely understand that, in fact if they don’t want to do anything that’s fine too. But then it’s up to them how they divide that time. It shouldn’t be on me to just miss out or manage because arrangements have already been made.

Parents are, of course, free to do as they choose. But you can’t really act surprised if one relationship becomes strained as a result.

This is a tricky one as whilst I would always try and keep things relatively even it’s really up to your parents to decide what help they offer and how they commit their time. Have you spoken to them about providing childcare or do you just suspect they will say no to you? Is there any reason they couldn’t have both children on the same days?

Just who are all these adult children who constantly need "support"? We never did - fair enough, we're childfree.
But my close friends with kids never sought or expected "support" - their parents lived a couple of hundred miles away, for a start. So they just got on with their own lives, inc through serious physical and mental health issues. They just carried on.... because that's what you do (and what our parents did).

I think you need to discuss it with your parents. You presumably won’t be needing regular childcare for some time if you’re currently pregnant, your SIL may well plan to have her DC in nursery or pre-school with funded hours by the time you go back to work, or your parents may be happy to have both grandchildren at the same time so you each have equal care provided by them on the days they do.

ETA. But broadly, sometimes things just can’t be “fair” in terms of exactly the same. Grandparents committing to childcare when younger might not feel up to doing the same with latter grandchildren when several years older. Expecting it is putting them in a rough position.

It’s a hard one
me and my sister lost our parents young and neither of our partners have family who can help either thru poor health/distance/death so we help each other out where we can. I have my 2 DN’s sometimes and she has my 3 a bit but we don’t live near enough each other to share school runs/ ad hoc stuff but my DS is up for sale and hoping to move nearer us soon so that will be good for everyone.

me and DS often have the conversation - when the kids are older what will we do and try to do for one of them we’ll try do for the other if I can if I’m not still working and providing they all live within a reasonable so that it’s fair.

id just have the conversation- at least funded hours are better than they were now and available from 9 months but if it’s a decider between what you will return to work and do or not do then I’d want to know - not just financially but round here - childminders and nurseries have big waiting lists

You need to have a conversation with them. What is it you actually want from them? How much help? I assume you’ll be on maternity leave for at least 9 months so there’s loads of time before you’d think about going back to work. Have you discussed with them whether you plan to use childcare. Will your partner’s parents also help?

we have never been in the position where any family can help. It is nice to be independent, no one else gets a say in how we bring up our kids etc.

Yes and no. I would expect an element of fairness in terms of time and attention but people age so what can be offered to the eldest grandchildren may understandably not be doable for the youngest.

Have you discussed it with them? You often need to put your baby’s name down for nursery early on due to wait lists. You could have a conversation with them about nursery and ask if they’d have your baby one day a week like SIL.

I have a friend whose parents provide a lot of help. However they are getting older - mid 70s -and they are trying to reduce the amount of time they spend doing childcare. It’s not going down well .

No, it's not up to your parents to manage. If you want to ask them to take on regular childcare, you have to ask them, be honest and upfront about what you want, and accept with grace their response, whatever it is.

It can't be "even" or "fair" because it's different situations at different times. They are that bit older, they have a relationship with their grandchild, and circumstances change.

It's lovely if they can help you, and that's a very fortunate position to be in. But you aren't entitled to it just because it suited them to look after your brother's child before yours is even born.

Life doesn't work like that.

We try our best to give roughly equal support to our three adult children - financial and practical.

It's not always straightforward but it matters a lot to both me and my OH that none of our children could feel that the others were favoured.

I can imagine it might be more of a challenge if one of them had a dramatic change in circumstances but even then I'd like to think we would consider the others very carefully and do our best to even it up as much as possible.

My SIL child is currently in nursery, but her and my brother both work long hours in the city so need grandparents to do pick ups between close and when they usually get home at 8 or 9pm. This won’t change for the foreseeable.

I agree with you. Am certainly not saying that GPs should have to do childcare, but if they are able to help, that help should be split fairly between their children who need it. It shouldn't be 'X had a baby first so all help will go to them'. If both kids have babies, then the parents should split their available time between the two. Or if one sibling has had help for a year or so, the other sibling should then be prioritised. Assuming gps are still in a position (and willing) to offer help at all.

We had a family lunch organised yesterday, they will regularly pick up my sil and baby (despite her being able to drive and having a car) because she is a nervous driver. That is a 90minute round trip. I am not allowed to drive at the moment because I have sciatica and can’t emergency stop, I live 15 minutes from them and my partner is away. I spent Easter Sunday alone because it’s ‘unfortunate’ I can’t drive.

There's a world of difference between fairness and equity.

I think it's very hard to balance. Ideally grandparents should try to have a similarly close relationship with all grandchildren and give a similar amount of help to all their adult children but it's not always practical. I wouldn't feel comfortable asking my mother to step back her commitments to my nephews just because I also now have a child.

A family friend committed doing 2 days of childcare a week for her first grandchild, I think it's admirable that she has done the same for each grandchild that came along but it's putting a lot of strain on her to hold herself to a promise she made in completely different circumstances back in 2012.

Your parents knew you were alone and pregnant and didn’t make an effort? You have FAR bigger problems than how many days they will offer you.
I can guarantee this, if they treat you their own child this way then 💯 your kids are going to be second priority too. Better have a good long think about what’s happening here

It’s also really important to be mindful of language. Why have you said it’s your sister in law getting the help, not your brother? Surely they’re both getting the help?

Will you need your parents to help with childcare when you return to work (which won’t be for a while as you are pregnant for 9 months then get 9-12 months maternity leave after that). Have you discussed this with your parents? Has your DH discussed this with his parents?

Neither of the Grandparents need to be reviewing childcare anytime soon. Many things can change between now and when your child is born.

Because my brother is working full time, but my sil was working part time and is changing her pattern- so the increase in my parents help is being done to accommodate this. It isn’t in this instance that I see it as helping my sil and not my brother- but it’s the change to her work pattern

Of course it’s helping him- it’s facilitating him to work full time in the city.

I agree with previous poster, if this is their attitude to including you in a family event then there’s a much broader issue than potential fairness with providing regular childcare. Has your relationship with them always been like this? Has something changed recently? Do they like your partner, or do they have a problem with him / think he should be stepping up more?

I think it's never going to be as straightforward as treating everyone equally. Distance and age are massive factors.

From your perspective it's important to remember that plenty of people have children without help from grandparents and it's very prudent to consider how many children you can cope with given your circumstances when choosing your family size. Also comparison is the thief of joy. Nothing good will come of you thinking of what should be owed here.

I actually think once you’re a fully-fledged grown-up, “support” should start going the other way.

I’m 8 months pregnant. I have been looking round nurseries - we have a preferred one in the village, my mum looked up the opening hours and said I probably shouldn’t pick it as it closes earlier than the other and I wouldn’t be able to make it work

I wouldn’t mind getting no help. What bothers me is seeing it go in one direction and not the other