AIBU to expect parents to balance support between adult children?

[Mirrormirroronthewal]

Am I being unreasonable to think that if you help one adult child, you should be prepared to help the other too?

I completely understand that circumstances can differ, and support isn’t always going to look identical. But if one child gets significant help, whether financial, childcare, babysitting, or general practical support, and the other doesn’t, it’s a bit naive to assume that won’t have an impact on the relationship.

Regular babysitting, being on hand for childcare, school runs, being on call can make a huge difference to one adult child’s life compared to another’s.

If you commit to helping with grandchildren, for example, and then another one comes along, that help may need to be redistributed. It can’t always just stay fixed in one place without affecting others.

I’m currently pregnant, and my SIL currently gets two days a week of help from her parents and one day from mine. She had been planning to increase her working days around Christmas, but has now brought that forward to get two regular days established with my parents before my baby arrives.

I feel like this is something for my parents to manage. If they don’t want to do more than two days a week in total, I completely understand that, in fact if they don’t want to do anything that’s fine too. But then it’s up to them how they divide that time. It shouldn’t be on me to just miss out or manage because arrangements have already been made.

Parents are, of course, free to do as they choose. But you can’t really act surprised if one relationship becomes strained as a result.

Childcare costs, mortgage costs, uni debt, and the general cost of living is skyrocketing. I raised my kids to be independent, too. And they are. They don’t have children yet, but I can appreciate when the time comes that, despite having reasonably paid jobs, having a child will place an onerous financial burden on them. Not because they are not independent, or because they are feckless, but because this is the reality of life for many, many people in their 30s. It’s just reality. Nothing to be amazed about. Helping your adult children out because you are able to, and want to, is quite normal these days.

I just don’t really see how it’s practical to say you’ll offer the same to all children.

My friend is one of three. She has an 18 month old who her parents look after one day a week, and they are trying for a second.
Her younger siblings are both newly married and one or both might have a child while my friend’s child(ren) is/are still pre-school age.

But what should her parents do? Accept that they must look after 3 grandchildren of varying ages each week to make it fair? Or not look after my friend’s child despite being willing, able, and very keen to do it (it was their idea and they originally asked for 2 days), because they might not be able to offer the same to siblings for the next 5+ yrs, or may not want a hypothetical scenario where they do childcare for one 4 yr old and two 1 yr olds at the same time. Or should they say to my friend “we’ll look after your child but only until another grandchild comes along, and then to make it fair, we’ll stop offering help to you and look after your niece/nephew instead”.

That’s not to say I don’t understand how I could seem unfair. I just don’t know what grandparents can do without either stretching themselves more than they’re happy with, or turning down caring that they want to do, out of worry over future obligations

But surely the one with shorter hours wouldn’t work even if your parents made you an equal offer (ie one nursery pickup a week for you and one for DBro)

OP, your parents were not interested in having lunch with you - they are not going to do childcare for you. It is not fair but you cannot factor them into your plans, they cannot be relied on.

Just make sure you remember this when they need help from you 😉

It will work for me, my partner can easily change his work pattern. She doesn’t know this. it was that she proactively went out of her way to look up the hours to make sure she wouldn’t have to help, and when she suspected she might be asked she said there wouldn’t be any support on offer.

I just think it is poor that both my parents bend over backwards to help my brother and SIL and won’t offer anything to me and my partner at all

Creepy! Spot on about the jobs and house, and the banging on about their lifestyle.

I think there’s also an element where they are competitive with her parents, my mother wants to be the favourite grandparent and the fun one. My partners mum is in her 80s and she doesn’t see her as likely to be running around playing games. Whereas where my DB PIL were doing more childcare for that grandchild and seeing her more, my mum is now pleased to have that evened out so they are getting the same as the other GP

Hard disagree. There was a thread on this last week or the week before by a daughter who was livid that her mother wasn’t going to suddenly reduce the amount of help she gave her other child with existing grandchild when the MNer’s new baby was born. Why should the established routines of a child old enough to understand be disrupted in the interest of “fairness” as determined by the child who wants “their share”? A grandparent is free to spend their time as they wish. No one is entitled to something just because their sibling has it. If the grandparent WANTS to share their time equally, that’s different. Demanding or expecting that they should want what you want, is unreasonable.

Most likely when you say help from your parents, it is the grandmother most likely.

I think she is basically warning you not to expect them to do any pick ups. YANBU. My SIL & DB used to send their kids round Sunday & most Saturdays would be sent to sporting activity my Dad was watching. So I basically couldn’t see my parents on a weekend & if I tried to organise anything we had to have their children there too & SIL & DB made it clear they didn’t like the disruption. If my parents did an occasional visit then SIL would kick off. So my parents fell into line & hardly came on weekends. They admitted they were controlled but as SIL didn’t speak to her parents they said they had to help them out. They weren’t working on weekends. Just having days to relax.

I haven’t demanded. But I am disappointed that they will go out of their way and choose to help one child so much and not the other.

Why should my brother be favoured with so much support and help and I be content to receive nothing?

I don’t expect or demand anything, but I am disappointed. It will of course colour things going forwards.

But it sounds like they have suddenly asked for an extra day just before OPs baby arrives. To make sure OP doesn’t bagsy it by the sounds of things.

Yes, they weren’t planning for her to increase her days until Christmas, when I saw my DB a month ago he said they were bringing the increase forwards because “they didn’t know what commitments my parents might make in the coming months”

I think it’s really difficult. Sometimes things just gel better with one side of the family. Also I think it’s regularly the case that the first grandchild gets more grandparent care because the grandparents are younger and there’s only one child. Plus when the grandchild gets to 2/3 I can totally understand why the grandparents want to maintain the arrangement with that child who they are strongly bonded to and in a routine with, rather than take on childcare of another baby. Of course the relationship might not be the same with the younger grandchildren but then I think that the grandparents probably have taken that into account and made their peace with it.

I think that the best thing to do for your own sanity is to expect nothing from
them and not worry about what they’re doing for your brother. Plough your own path. But do pick them up if things are obviously a bit off like the lift thing and see what they say (what would she have said if you’d said “Mum I’d really love to come, could you not do a quick detour to get me this once”? I wonder if it was because they wanted to see their grandchild?).

And also assess your own behaviour -
if all you’re ever doing is asking for favours or money this can get tiring. Equally I’m always astonished by the rules some people want to impose on grandparents and then people are shocked that the grandparents say get lost!

Just say it to your mum. If it causes a rift so be it. The resentment eating you up is doing you no good whatsoever. Some people are arseholes. The whole lot of them are certainly acting like arseholes, call them out.

I agree. Tell your mum what bothers you.

Takes one to know one 😅

My bil (DHs bro) and sil are very happy to "be direct". They are happy to "take" and "ask"with little to no consideration for others.

Although childless currently this is 100% the sort of thing they'd do
they were bringing the increase forwards because “they didn’t know what commitments my parents might make in the coming months”

I am now blandly neutral we just try and get through with minimal thrash. (My DHs choice)

You are on a hiding to nothing with this...

my advice: make your own plans and if/when your mother comes knocking only agree to do what suits you / costs you nothing.

Bland neutrality for the win.

It's so shit for you though.

There is probably an element of you mum thinking of the saying about a daughter for life and a son till he takes a wife. She is proactively picking up SIL because she thinks she won't visit if she doesn't. She assumes you'll always be there whenever she wants.
I would be distancing myself slightly from my DM at this point to see what she's like after you give birth.
Are your DHs parents in the picture?

in your specific example, yes, that does seem unfair and can understand why you're unhappy.

But YABU to generalise the overall point. It's impossible for everything to always be completely fair in families, or indeed any other relationships.

As an example, there's a big age gap between my friend's dc and her siblings' - her parents helped her siblings out a lot with their childcare - but that was 15 years ago and there was a huge difference in being in your early sixties and running round after small kids and being nearly 80 and being expected to do the same thing. No it's not fair on my friend to not get the same help but it's also not fair on the parents for her to expect it when their circumstances have changed.

Sometimes life isn't fair.

In that particular case the parents paid for an extra nursery day to enable my friend to work because they weren't able to care for her dc themselves as they had with the older GC, but not everyone is in a position to do that.

Also, what should happen if there is a third child who didn't have DC at all? Should the parents give them £20,000 because they didn't benefit from the same savings as the 2 siblings would have had to pay out for nursery if the grandparents hadn't helped out? Either to spend on something completely different, or to go towards nursery in the future if they have kids after their parents have died? Then if they don't have kids is that fair on their siblings, who, if they'd had the choice between cash and GP help might have preferred the former?

That's pretty shitty of the lot of them OP. I'd accept that GPs will not be available to provide childcare. Play the long game - when they expect help, because you can bet your boots your DB and SIL won't be able/expected to provide any - be unavailable.

My dad is about to make a life-changing financial gift to my sibling for an 'investment opportunity', but refused to even discuss helping me out in a much much smaller way when I was in dire straights post-divorce a decade ago.

It's already causing huge resentment despite all their "yours will come in due course, siblings should stick together" nonsense.

I get really annoyed with this attitude of 'people get older so often can' t do as much for subsequent grandchildren' - ageing isn't exactly something that takes us by surprise!!! You should know you are going to get older and less able to do as much and factor that in when offering help to the first!!

My parents very much took the attitude they would only offer as much help to the first as they would likely be able to continue offering for subsequent grandchildren allowing for them ageing. They were very aware they didn't want to exhaust themselves offering multiple days per week for the first grandchild leaving themselves unable to do anything for later grandchildren. They were careful to balance things and have also offered alternative support to try and ensure they were being fair - eg where one family lived further away and offering help directly with childcare wasn't possible, they've offered other support eg financial support to pay for childcare /help with school holiday childcare instead.

People who want to be fair to their children are careful to consider this stuff before offering help to one child that they then aren't able to offer to another. Don't underestimate how much hurt it causes in families when adult children perceive themselves to be less favoured than others.

It is because you're all scared they'll have nothing to do with you if you're not at their beck and call 24/7. THAT'S what I take from the responses to these interminable threads about how PPs parents aren't subsuming their entire lives for their disgustingly entitled kids.

If you didn’t expect anything, you wouldn’t be disappointed not to get it. Be honest with yourself at least. You’re having a kid, it’s your responsibility to look after it. Being disappointed that your mother isn’t going to either reduce what she already does for her existing grandchild in order to accommodate your new kid, or over-extend herself by offering you 2 days a week because “that’s fair”, is not very grown up.

@Mirrormirroronthewal that is really sly. They are just getting in there so you can’t ask for help.

I don’t see how both parents can work such long hours & it will be hard once they start primary school.

Your Mum is basically saying you can’t factor her in with nursery pick ups.

sounds like your mum favours your brother to you, simple as that. but, to be 100% positive, ask her to provide the same childcare she does for your brother.. her reaction will tell you everything you need to know. if she wont agree to help you in the same way as she does your brother, then you have a year to sort out childcare. it hurts when your own mum favours one sibling, but, i honestly dont think theres anything you can do about it - they will always find a way to justify it. she will also most likely do the same re. the grandchildren..