AIBU to expect parents to balance support between adult children?

[Mirrormirroronthewal]

Am I being unreasonable to think that if you help one adult child, you should be prepared to help the other too?

I completely understand that circumstances can differ, and support isn’t always going to look identical. But if one child gets significant help, whether financial, childcare, babysitting, or general practical support, and the other doesn’t, it’s a bit naive to assume that won’t have an impact on the relationship.

Regular babysitting, being on hand for childcare, school runs, being on call can make a huge difference to one adult child’s life compared to another’s.

If you commit to helping with grandchildren, for example, and then another one comes along, that help may need to be redistributed. It can’t always just stay fixed in one place without affecting others.

I’m currently pregnant, and my SIL currently gets two days a week of help from her parents and one day from mine. She had been planning to increase her working days around Christmas, but has now brought that forward to get two regular days established with my parents before my baby arrives.

I feel like this is something for my parents to manage. If they don’t want to do more than two days a week in total, I completely understand that, in fact if they don’t want to do anything that’s fine too. But then it’s up to them how they divide that time. It shouldn’t be on me to just miss out or manage because arrangements have already been made.

Parents are, of course, free to do as they choose. But you can’t really act surprised if one relationship becomes strained as a result.

Have you asked them if they’re willing to help you?

Your parents refused to pick you up for the family lunch and said it’s “unfortunate” that you can’t drive and therefore couldn’t attend? They obviously weren’t bothered about having you there?

Why on earth would you want them to look after your baby if that’s their attitude? Sounds like there is more to this than childcare…..

You need to change the way you’re thinking about this or nobody will want to help you.
There is no issue yet, you are meeting this problem half way!

SIL is steering your parents help into supporting her career. Where do you want the help, can you soften your stance and communicate with your parents about this.

Yanbu OP.
Your parents are choosing to behave very poorly.
Spell it out to them.
Do not allow the resentment to grow.
If they choose to invest all their time and energy in your brothers family, there isn't a lot you can do but get on with it.
I have seen it happen and I have seen the consequences.
My advice to you is built your life around without them.
Leaving you alone at Easter because you are unable to drive, when you are only 15 minutes away but driving so far to collect a nervous driver is pretty shocking.
Unfortunately you cannot change them.
This is up to them.
Very sad for you.
Is your brother the golden child?

Did you ask them if you could be picked up on their way back from SIL's? Perhaps they thought you wanted to stay at home and were just giving an excuse. If you really wanted the there you could have suggested getting a taxi and see if that would motivated them into picking you up.

I imagine your SIL is not backward in coming forward. She probably asks what she wants, rightly or wrongly. You need to start having these conversations before the resentment builds up and affects the relationship. It would be a shame for your new baby.

My OP wasn’t about childcare, just support in general. This was one of many examples over the years

Why couldn't you get a taxi?

Of course your parents are helping your brother: he doesn't have to go part-time because his wife is upping her hours. His parents are helping him continue FT.

I live 4000 miles away from my parents, my sibling lives a 5 minute walk from my parents. He's had on-tap childcare and babysitting for nearly 15 years now. I've had nothing that I haven't had to pay for.

Each child gets what they need and what their parents want to give. I can't believe you're not embarrassed that you're a grown woman, about to have a baby yourself, and still saying "but it's not faaaaaair". If it's that big a deal, talk to your parents about it. What it seems you really want is for your parents to choose to dump your brother's family in favour of yours.

I said can I have a lift please as there aren’t any taxis available on Easter Sunday?

Um, there are? I took one yesterday.

i agree with this. I provide regular childcare and have done since my grandaughters were tiny. But I’m a lot older now (my eldest grandchild is 16) and whilst I’m happy caring for just about pre-school kids, I would not want to look after a baby or toddler again.

I absolutely would want to spend time with, and lavish attention on, a younger one, but not to be a sole carer for them.

Surely that depends on where you live? I used to live in Cirencester and once got a train back to the local station (Kemble) on a normal, non bank holiday Sunday. I could not get any taxi anywhere. They wouldn’t come from Gloucester as it was too far and all the local ones were not answering. In the end I found one bloke, who came and got me after Bingo in the pub finished. I was there for a long time. Would have been quicker to walk across the fields (but didn’t know this at the time)

To be blunt, your parents sound like they are shit parents and I’d be surprised if this was a new thing.
Has there been a noticeable change in their behavior? Or is it just that you are now noticing it or no longer being willing to tolerate it?

The thing is, this is who they are. You can’t control them, you can’t change them. The only thing you can do is control your own choices and boundaries going forward. Make your own family, create some distance from your parents and build a support network of your own.

It sucks, it’s not fair, but someone who leaves their daughter alone for Easter whilst hosting the rest of the family is not someone I’d be actively wanting in my child’s life.

So it's a pattern?
Don't expect it to change.
Protect yourself and live your own life.

DH is one of three.
The eldest had kids 10yrs before the other two, mil was 65/70 so did a huge amount of childcare, most weekends and all the holidays.
By the time we had kids, she and FIL were older, exhausted and small children-ed out!
Then youngest sibling had, frankly more kids than he can afford in a short amount of years. MiL, now widowed, downsized dramatically and gave him 500k to buy a house and childcare bills.
So one had childcare on tap, the other had big financial help, and my poor DH got bugger all! It has caused huge resentment between the siblings, they all feel hard done by, and is a textbook example of what treating siblings differently causes. I suspect the youngest will inherit everything eventually as the sibling that had childcare is very bitter about the youngest getting the money - they say they'd have rather had the money and not worked…
Doesn’t worry me particularly as we earn okay anyway and I don't like being beholden to people. DH finds it very hard though, like he was never loved or important to his mother.
But, when and if mil needs care, we shall be too busy I’m afraid…

“Our parents” did not do that. In the 80s, when I was a child, pretty much every one of my friends went to gran’s after school and stayed with them in the holidays. There were fewer working mums generally, so those who did work could pay neighbours for childcare. That’s not allowed any more. Nurseries were were more affordable, although harder to find space in. The “good old days” were not as you seem to think.

In principle I agree with you, but this appears to be a case where your parents can’t be in two places at once. They can’t be simultaneously driving grandchildren and SIL while also driving you to them.

Now, I trust how you said this is one example so I’m not going to hold it against you for having a bad example.

I would have a discussion with your parents on this. Get it out in the open before your baby arrives. They may view it as for their grandchildren rather than you or your brother. In which case, you need to know if they will be able to balance things equitably between all their grandchildren once your child arrives.

Sigh, both your lived experiences were as you think, and did happen. The truth is that there was no one way in the past or present how childcare was managed within and outside the immediate family.

My sister worked nights and has a partner. My parents travelled by bus to collect their children from school every night, to “give her a rest” then cooked their tea.
I’m a single parent, worked a shift rota and lived within walking distance. They never collected my children and never cooked me a meal. I couldn’t even just drop in, in case she needed them that night.
(this was just one of the many “golden child” issues that led to no contact in the end.)

My husband is one of three, his youngest brother is the golden child. The difference in the way they treat their grandchildren is mind boggling and has fractured relations within the whole family. The blame lies entirely with his parents.
The best thing I have done is step back and protect my family.
Your parents not picking you up is hurtful, I would be very upset as well.

Are you the younger sibling OP?
I’m the youngest of five, big age gaps between us all.
My oldest 3 siblings have all had lots of financial help as parents were still working full time so didn’t do any childcare.
sibling number 4 had lots of childcare help as they were newly retired, and some financial help - because he’s useless with money.
Sibling 5 here, has no childcare help as they are now too old, and they’ve spent all their money.
I don’t know what they think will happen if they need care in the future, but I know for damn sure it won’t be me doing it.
It winds my husband up that it’s so unfair (his family are big on fairness) but I’ve never known any different, it’s always been his way. I don’t have much to do with my siblings though.

The reason people come to Mumsnet for advice is because as parents, life and relationships are very different to navigate versus when you don’t have kids. Getting advice from parents, rather than judgey childless friends, is invaluable!

Not necessarily. There are loads of other factors.

Eg I have 1 child and live 5 mins walk from my parents.

My sister has 3 very energetic ones and lives over 3hrs drive away (6hrs round trip).

My parents struggle to manage the driving or the energy for multiple children so she naturally gets less babysitting.

Fair isn't always the same as equal. There are so many variables to consider, differences in distance, personal situation, health, timelines and many other things. It's not as simple as doing for one what you do for the other. Again, fair and equal are different things.

Then there's that your parents have every right to choose how they spend their time. If I'm looking after grandchildren, just as one example you picked, it's on my timetable and my terms. I might tell you I'm looking after SIL's child on Tuesday and Thursday, I am also prepared to look after your child alongside, children together, on Tuesdays and Thursdays. If you don't want those days or refuse because you want your child to have one on one and SIL says 'okay', then I've been fair but you've made a choice. Then I'll have SIL's kids and not yours due to choices you made. Happy to share the two days, but not happy to give up four.

In principle I agree with you, but this appears to be a case where your parents can’t be in two places at once. They can’t be simultaneously driving grandchildren and SIL while also driving you to them.

But in this case SIL could drive but is choosing not to. OP’s parents are prioritising SIL’s choice over OP’s need.

I'm sorry, that's poor that they wouldn't pick you up on Easter Sunday. And that they don't seem to be wanting to help with childcare.

Having childcare that is open the hours you need it is kind of important too, even if they were helping out, if they weren't available.