AIBU to expect parents to balance support between adult children?

[Mirrormirroronthewal]

Am I being unreasonable to think that if you help one adult child, you should be prepared to help the other too?

I completely understand that circumstances can differ, and support isn’t always going to look identical. But if one child gets significant help, whether financial, childcare, babysitting, or general practical support, and the other doesn’t, it’s a bit naive to assume that won’t have an impact on the relationship.

Regular babysitting, being on hand for childcare, school runs, being on call can make a huge difference to one adult child’s life compared to another’s.

If you commit to helping with grandchildren, for example, and then another one comes along, that help may need to be redistributed. It can’t always just stay fixed in one place without affecting others.

I’m currently pregnant, and my SIL currently gets two days a week of help from her parents and one day from mine. She had been planning to increase her working days around Christmas, but has now brought that forward to get two regular days established with my parents before my baby arrives.

I feel like this is something for my parents to manage. If they don’t want to do more than two days a week in total, I completely understand that, in fact if they don’t want to do anything that’s fine too. But then it’s up to them how they divide that time. It shouldn’t be on me to just miss out or manage because arrangements have already been made.

Parents are, of course, free to do as they choose. But you can’t really act surprised if one relationship becomes strained as a result.

It would have been nice for your mum to offer one day to you and your child rather than increasing the days she looks after SIL's child. Your SIL will get four free days of childcare and you get none. That doesn't sound fair.

Has your mum always favoured your brother?

This type of inequality in support is endemic in my family. Whole family is a dysfunctional mess. One brother was given thousands of hours of free childcare, kids taken on holiday and gifted a 200k house. Me and other sibling got nothing. Why? Because my parents can only deal with people they see as projects and are weaker than them. The brother who got the help is a complete fuck up and the more help he got the worse it got. Dare to point this out to my mother and she justifies it by saying I’m so competent I don’t need help. Before I even had children she told me she wouldn’t look after them so at least I knew where I stood. Suffice to say I don’t have any relationship with that brother, a very distant relationship with the other one and an increasingly distant relationship with my 80+ mother who cannot fathom why I will not drop everything to help her. Accept the situation OP and move on - they won’t change.

Ridiculous to say they are doing it doing it for SIL and not your brother. They are doing it for both of them, we’ll never move forward if we don’t address men still getting away with doing very little because they’ve got big important jobs.

Was your brother always put ahead of you OP? Because it sounds like a classic golden child situation. The fact they picked SIL up at Easter and not you says it all! Why are allowing them to treat you like this? In your situation I would be asking directly NOW if they can do whatever day/s you need and if they say no then you’ll know where you stand. I would then be distancing myself and making my own life. At some point, probably when they are older and need help your brother and his wife will probably be nowhere to be seen, in your situation neither should you be. They can reap what they sow.

Have they shown an interest in your pregnancy?

They haven’t shown an interest in my pregnancy as such but they have in the baby. I think reflecting on this thread their help is actually GC centric rather than for my DB or SIL. When she said she couldn’t pick me up, she said we aren’t getting your SIL we’re getting our GC.

So they won’t ask how I’m feeling or any questions about my pregnancy, but they have been very interested in baby’s sex for example. When I said we weren’t finding out because we wanted a surprise, my mother was very disappointed and has bought it up in every conversation for the last 10 weeks- how it’s such a shame because she saw some lovely girls clothes the other day, how it would be nice if she knew what colours to buy etc. They have suggested names and repeatedly asked what we are considering and if we are planning on x or y and have we put this on our list since they suggested it.

But surely if one child is massively favoured where childcare is concerned while the other child receives no parental help at all, it will have an impact on the relationships that each child has with their parents.

It is inevitable that OP will feel resentful that all the available parental help goes to her brother and his wife, while she needs to rely on paid-for child care. Having grandparents doing childcare also means that they will probably stillcare for the kids even when the kids are sick, whereas in OP's case, she or her partner will need to take annual leave when their child is too ill to go to nursery.

OP would need to be a saint not to feel some resentment and this will have a negative impact on her relationship with her parents. Her parents could have kept doing one day's childcare for OP's brother and his wife and offered a day to OP. Instead, one side of the family receives all the help while the other gets nothing.

I think this is right. I am expected to be around, and be kind and accommodating. Whereas my parents feel they have to put in work to get their share from my DB and SIL.

Realistically - parents can never treat children (or grandchildren) the same. Even if you go for detailed tracking to maintain parity on one metric, it’ll be out on another.

Financial help matched to the £. Almost certainly makes a bigger difference to one than another.

Child care time matched to the minute - but how does 1–2pm with a 10 yr old compare to 5-6am with a 6 month old. How does regular compare to emergency.

How does DIY compare to phone suppprt. How does a meal cooked at home compare to a meal out?

You hope for equal love, but that won’t look the same in how it shows up. It cant.

So they give loads more time, effort and help to your brother and SIL and yet still expect you to be the more caring and loving child because you are their daughter and that is what daughters should do? That is completely unfair.

I'm really sorry as it sounds there is clear favouritism. I would clearly raise all the points you have made in this thread to them, bringing out into the open.
It won't change anything but at least you'll get it off your chest.

Have you asked them why they will make a regular 90 minute trip for their DIL in but they won't make a one off 30 minute trip for their DD?

Have you actually explained that you don't understand their reasoning?

I have seen so many instances of this.

The favoured child and their children adored, and the other child, often a daughter absolutely expected to be in the background for years and to get on with it, until they are needed when the parents start to slow down and golden child is far too busy with their big job and life.

My friends never said a word when this was their dynamic, but it was a factor when they all moved just that little bit away, far enough that their lives and that of their children were unknown to their parents.

They did this after a few years when they realised that their children were also very much an afterthought.

All parents were very upset at their moving that bit further away, confirming that they did indeed see them in terms of elder care.

It never happened, and years later when their parents tried to complain that they saw little of wonder child and their families, they cut them off swiftly, not prepared to listen to them.
They also never entertained wonder child expecting them to pick up the slack.

My friends invested in their friends and built good lives away from their family, whilst remaining friendly but very low contact.

This was very stark for a few friends that never married, so sidelined, but expected to be available.
Without exception they left their home area and went to the nearest city, and never regretted it.

It worked for them.
You will have to decide what will work for you.

It’s up to your parents what help they offer, and to whom. 🤷‍♀️

It's a thinly veiled threat that seems to be very popular on MN. Give your adult children ALL the help or be abandoned in your old age [ I honestly doubt OP is really happy with " none as long as its equal"]
We had almost no help due to age and distance. Funnily enough we still managed to be decent human beings to our elderly parents. You know, because we're not cunts.

The thing is this isn't just about help, which I agree is up to the parents, but this is about when grandparents have clear favourites in their grandchildren.
Often the children of the golden child.

In my case it was all sons.
Their parents neither had the time nor the interest in their other grandchildren because they provided so much weekly and weekend care.
It was impossible for their other children to visit without the favoured family there.
Their children felt the difference and it was seeing their children being othered, that made these women decide to just pull back and not expose their children to it so much.

Some grandparents are able to have positive relationships with all their grandchildren and not create such an imbalance.

I have seen this up so close with a lovely kind neighbour of mine with her 4 children.
Her eldest, a son, had 4 children and she basically raised those children.
They were always at her house, weekdays until 6.30 having had dinner, as both parents had big jobs.
It took over her life, and she allowed it.
Her 3 other daughters didn't get a look in, and neither did their children, they told me this directly.

When she suddenly had a very serious stroke and was incapacitated, her son and his wife were really nowhere to be seen.
They completely stepped away.

One daughter despite everything stepped up.
The other two had their own lives.
My neighbour told me before she died how sad she was that she had spent the last 20 years of her life run ragged raising his grandchildren for the whole lot of them to now barely visit.

She was a nice woman, but she made a huge mistake and she knew it.

It’s not about expecting help for help, it’s when your parents treat you and your children as second class citizens and then expect you to be the one that steps up. Happy to help but not over and above and above, not at the expense of my family and only after the preferred golden child has done their bit.

its Massively unfair and dh and I have been very careful not to do this to our dc.

in-laws favoured Sil and her gc. She got full time childcare, overnights, lots of extra babysitting. Our dc were always an afterthought and now there’s a big divide between the cousins. Resentment. And our dc as adults rarely see their grandparents as they hardly know them really. You reap what you sow I suppose.

it’s crap and I’m sorry you’re going through this. Be prepared to feel even more hurt once your baby arrives unfortunately x

in-laws favoured Sil and her gc. She got full time childcare, overnights, lots of extra babysitting.

Was she single? Did her husband die as soon as the children were born? People are so quick to point out another woman getting childcare with no mention of the father. It is like he does not exist or benefit from the arrangement.

Surely all of us 'need support' at various times of our lives, or even just with some aspects of our lives?

I've been an adult for decades. I have adult dc. But I still appreciate support with some things, on some occasions. I support friends. I have been supported by friends.
Last week I went round to my dc's house because someone was coming to do something at her house "between 8am and 1pm" on a day when she wasn't able to wfh. I am retired, so I "offered her some support" to help her out.

Another day I "offered some support" to a friend who had to go to a hospital appointment she was worried about, as I was available, and, in my world that's what friends do. We are both independent adults, but life is just a little easier and a whole lot nicer if people offer each other support.

We are going on holiday soon. Another of my dc said they would take us to the airport. Again, we are independent adults and could have got their under our own steam, but it is nice that our dc offered and makes the day just a little bit easier.
My friend is clearing out her old family home after the death of her parents. Guess what? I have gone round to help her a couple of times, because she is finding it both emotionally and physically tough. So I offered a bit of support. I know she would do the same for me, even though we are both 'independent adults.
Sometimes, I tumble dry a load of sheets or towels for my dc who lives near, because I remember how difficult it was to get things like that dry when I lived in my first flat without a washing machine or tumble dryer. If I didn't, of course my dc would manage, but it really doesn't take a lot of effort on my part, to make their life a whole lot easier, so why wouldn't I ?
I recently got a new piece of tech, and one of my dc took time to help me set everything up on it. Yup, I could have probably worked it out using the manual and maybe the internet for help, but it was nice that they supported me to get it done in a much shorter amount of time, as it is something they are more skilled with than I am.
We could go on, and on with this list.
Being and independent adult doesn't mean you never need support.

As others have said, I think you just need to outright ask for what you want. Then at least you will know where you stand, if you wait around for them to offer it may never happen. Much better than just inwardly seething.

So it would be your mum doing the care? You have been careful to keep saying parents but it is mostly your mum. Even if your dad helps, she would be taking the bulk on. No surprise she doesn't want to take even more on.

Maybe the dad or the FIL could step up? It does not only have to be women who do the childcare.

Will they not be able to help you at the same time as looking after their other grandchildren

Absolutely agree we all appreciate support and hopefully choose to provide it for others when we can. I'd like to think that I will help my adult children out when the times comes (with no strings attached). I would hope most people support their parents and don't expect anything back in return. However MN seems to be full of parents of young children who want to bemoan the fact that they aren't getting "enough" support or it "isn't fair" that someone else gets more than them. Nobody should be obliged to offer any help. Surely we should be appreciating any amount of support offered, however small. The rest of the time we should just get on with it.

This is it.
This is what my friends experienced and their children wondering why their cousins had their rooms at granny, where they seemingly were constantly.
One sibling dominating their former family home.

As I have written, they didn't argue the point, they just backed away, moved a bit away and without exception focused on building lives away from their family, independent of their parents.

None of them went NC nor wanted that, but they absolutely did not want their children exposed to a situation where it occurred to them that they were less valued or unimportant.

None of them ever regretted their decision to be busy away from their parents.

They did a bit when the last years came, very much on their terms, but definitely from afar, making very clear that golden child was in control, and their children barely registered their grandparents dying.

Two friends were surprised to find they were named excutor of the will, will was equally split, they handed it completely over to the solicitor whom charged through the nose for their services of course, but they had no intention of running around doing it.
Golden child, son was very pissed off at the huge bill this incurred which was substantial, two house clearings etc.

Unless you have experienced this dynamic, it is hard to understand.

Depends on the individual circumstances though doesn’t it? We accept MIL needs to assist SIL more because she’s severely mentally ill and has addiction issues, she’s also in a relationship with an abusive and violent addict. We subsequently don’t begrudge her helping SIL and our nephew out more than us. She’s still helpful to us when we need her but we try not to ask too much because we realise she has her hands full with SIL and that mess.