AIBU to expect parents to balance support between adult children?

[Mirrormirroronthewal]

Am I being unreasonable to think that if you help one adult child, you should be prepared to help the other too?

I completely understand that circumstances can differ, and support isn’t always going to look identical. But if one child gets significant help, whether financial, childcare, babysitting, or general practical support, and the other doesn’t, it’s a bit naive to assume that won’t have an impact on the relationship.

Regular babysitting, being on hand for childcare, school runs, being on call can make a huge difference to one adult child’s life compared to another’s.

If you commit to helping with grandchildren, for example, and then another one comes along, that help may need to be redistributed. It can’t always just stay fixed in one place without affecting others.

I’m currently pregnant, and my SIL currently gets two days a week of help from her parents and one day from mine. She had been planning to increase her working days around Christmas, but has now brought that forward to get two regular days established with my parents before my baby arrives.

I feel like this is something for my parents to manage. If they don’t want to do more than two days a week in total, I completely understand that, in fact if they don’t want to do anything that’s fine too. But then it’s up to them how they divide that time. It shouldn’t be on me to just miss out or manage because arrangements have already been made.

Parents are, of course, free to do as they choose. But you can’t really act surprised if one relationship becomes strained as a result.

I think my Mum's tried to balance as night as she can. My brother couldn't afford to continue his choir so Mum paid his membership then offered to pay mine too. But I live two hours away from Mum whereas he is only 30 mins away so she can just hop in the car to visit/help him whereas it would take more planning for me, plus I have my husband whereas my brother lives alone. I understand that he needs more support than i do cos i have other people who can help me. Im teens if money i think my Mum would always try to give as much to me as to him but in terms of company and time my brother needs more.

I’m sorry they seem really bad whatever people say about “your child your responsibility “They are willing to help there son with finances and building a close relationship with his child and not willing to help with their daughter and her child it’s unequal and not fair.
I really feel for you it’s not nice to have your child rejected and another child being prioritised by your parents and it must really hurt.
Try to spend time with mil partner’s siblings so your little one has extended family who love her and hold yours at a distance they are clearly not kind or fair people. Your brother is also happy to accept this unfair treatment of you and your child. Being told to be kind to force you to accept unfair treatment is horrible of them. Your baby deserves better.

@Mirrormirroronthewal

have you had any direct conversations with your parents about the real issue here - that they favour your brother (and by extension his feeling) over you and yours?

where is your dad in this ? you’ve really only mentioned your mum.

where is your dad in this ? you’ve really only mentioned your mum.

The expectations are mostly not there for men. Women mostly get judged hard if they do not want to do childcare. When do you ever see posts that my DF/FIL won't help with childcare?

My dad is still working, my mother hasn’t worked since she went on maternity leave 40 years ago.

The OP herself said this isn’t about childcare and who does it, it’s about ‘support going all in one direction’. The thing about being left alone at Easter because they wouldn’t pick her up wasn’t about childcare, but about support in general.

So @Mirrormirroronthewal have you spoken to them both directly about their favouring of your brother over you ? And is it both parents ? What are the dynamics between your mum and dad on this ?

I feel like this is something for my parents to manage. If they don’t want to do more than two days a week in total.

So how does your dad manage to work and look after the children for your brother/SIL two days a week unless he does every weekend?

Have you asked him to use his annual leave to help you out with childcare?

my mother hasn’t worked since she went on maternity leave 40 years ago.

The resentment shows.

I would directly ask. May as well- nothing to lose

hi mum, I know you’re now doing 2 days for a week for brothers child to help brother and sil. I’m just wondering if you’ll want to help with my baby too when I go back to work so I can start figuring out logistics? Please let me know if that’s possible at all- it would be so helpful to us too to have that same support, and we would be very grateful. Thanks

Ofcourse there is a resentment! Brother is the golden child so mum does everything for him and his wife while she doesn't seem to care for @Mirrormirroronthewal at all. I think it's fucking disgusting- I never make any difference between my children unless there is a greater need for one. Brother and Dil are loaded and have dils parents as well so it's clear this is just about OPs mum being unfair.

She is resentful that her mum hasn't worked since she went on maternity leave 40 years ago.

Natural to be resentful if all that time only goes on your sibling though!

I’m not equal with my daughters in anything. . I’m equitable . I help whoever needs it most at the time and it balances out . Helping equally can also be unfair . OP you haven’t even had your child yet . Wait see what happens when you need help , but don’t request it unless you need it.
I’ve never expected anything from my parents. I had children younger and more parents worked full time then my dad got sick so I didn’t get much help . My bother on the other hand had children once my mum was widowed and retired so my mum had provided a lot of child care for him , but she’s been there for me in other ways when I’ve needed her.
Wait until you actually need help, but always remember it’s nice but not a must.

That’s understandable . When my sil had my nephew she put him in the same nursery as her niece so her dad could pick both of them up otherwise it would have been impossible for him . They can’t be in two places at once .

Same set up in my family, not with childcare though but with money. I’m one of a huge sibling group so we could at least discuss the situation and we did at length. Myself and one other sister expected all our Mothers estate to go to the favoured sister and indeed it did. DH is the same plus his Father left his entire estate to his sister.

My sister is very clever, beautiful and manipulative, DH sister is dim and the opposite of mine. What they do have in common is they are very good at making people feel sorry for them. My sister is clever enough to engineer this whereas DH sister just has stuff happen to her as she makes ridiculous decisions.

Probably irrationally I find this post really irritating. You're childfree!! No wonder you don't need support!! Neither did I till I had children!!!!

You're right, it isn’t fair, and it must really sting. Leaving you alone on Easter Sunday was really rubbish too. And your brother has been a bit of an arse about the whole situation.

In my family it hasn’t worked out evenly, or anything approaching really. My sister and I both live 5 mins from my mum, she chose to do five days a week childcare for my sister. She babysits them frequently, to the point we don’t ever feel we can ask. I don’t actually want her to do childcare, I think it’s easier to pay, and I also want her to enjoy her retirement. But the difference is she has a much stronger relationship with my (lovely) nephews- knows all their interests and friends, has lovely days out with them. Mine get the dregs if my sister doesn’t need something. But it’s apparently fair because she got them all the same thing for Easter 😂 Not to mention the £60k a year we were paying for two at nursery at one point!

I think maybe it’s best to have a chat with your parents and say what you have said here, and how hurt you are. If (like in my situation) it doesn’t change things, you kind of have to make peace with it or the resentment will destroy the relationship

I haven’t much to add OP but I do feel very sorry for you - it’s a sad situation with your parents and I feel that you are completely fair in feeling how you do.

If no-one has said it already, I bet your DB is the Golden Child.

In which case, there is nothing you can do but accept that they just aren't that into you at all. I'm really sorry, been there and it sucks.

Long term, you have to not rely on them ever, build a life in which they are incidental. If possible, move a long way away before they get older, because you can bet your first- born you will be the first number they call when their older selves need a service.

Perhaps your parents feel sorry for your DN. The poor toddler is growing up without seeing your DB & DSiL for 4 days a week. The grandparents seem to be committing to doing more parenting than the parents.

It is her mum doing it.

Her dad works.

There are 2 sets of grandparents, both sides doing the childcare. Somehow I doubt if her DF is also working each evening until 8 or 9pm.

Sure, but it sounds like DM goes to DBro’s house to collect child and bring them there for tea etc until parents are back.

Lots of people manage without ‘support’ obviously - but if it’s available it makes life so
much easier. I ‘support’ both my DC with regular childcare - it helps them and I enjoy it - and, as the OP suggests, I’ve been very careful to ensure that I treat them both equally.

I would make some “jokey” comments to your DP how their son will be the ones returning the childcare favours by caring for them as they age.

Seriously it sucks when one child/grandchild is consistently favoured and it hurts.