AIBU to expect parents to balance support between adult children?

[Mirrormirroronthewal]

Am I being unreasonable to think that if you help one adult child, you should be prepared to help the other too?

I completely understand that circumstances can differ, and support isn’t always going to look identical. But if one child gets significant help, whether financial, childcare, babysitting, or general practical support, and the other doesn’t, it’s a bit naive to assume that won’t have an impact on the relationship.

Regular babysitting, being on hand for childcare, school runs, being on call can make a huge difference to one adult child’s life compared to another’s.

If you commit to helping with grandchildren, for example, and then another one comes along, that help may need to be redistributed. It can’t always just stay fixed in one place without affecting others.

I’m currently pregnant, and my SIL currently gets two days a week of help from her parents and one day from mine. She had been planning to increase her working days around Christmas, but has now brought that forward to get two regular days established with my parents before my baby arrives.

I feel like this is something for my parents to manage. If they don’t want to do more than two days a week in total, I completely understand that, in fact if they don’t want to do anything that’s fine too. But then it’s up to them how they divide that time. It shouldn’t be on me to just miss out or manage because arrangements have already been made.

Parents are, of course, free to do as they choose. But you can’t really act surprised if one relationship becomes strained as a result.

Yes I would agree 100% you should be equal in support of your children but it doesn’t necessarily mean the same. If I was able to help one of my children with childcare but perhaps the other lived far away, I would pay towards the nursery costs to even it out or I would have the children for weekends to allow them to go away for a break.

I'm a grandma after being a single parent since 21.

My Mum would do the odd weekend if I was going out. I'd never have expected her to do regular childcare.

Neither will I. Deal with it. I've done my time. I'm there if you need me but don't take me for granted.

Such an entitled post.

Yes it is, but they then have to accept that if they help one child more, the other child might pull away and choose not have a relationship with them. It’s a 2 way relationship.

I don’t know if you’re serious or if your post is pure hyperbole. I think that’s not the case for regular families, with regular relationships. No one I know considers their offspring ‘disgustingly entitled’. Or that they are subsiding their ‘entire lives’, or are scared their kids will have ‘nothing to do’ with them. My guess is that if that is the case, the family is probably dysfunctional in the first place!

I have seen posts on threads about this from parents who seem to use it as a kind of blackmail. Something along the lines of if you don't do childcare then you won't see your grandkids as we are too busy with our big important lives to make time to spend with you otherwise.

Aren’t you missing the point though?

the OP is just asking for fairness between siblings. If the parents says no to both children that’s fine but they are upset as her mum is doing more for one of them than the other but expecting, no doubt, and equal relationship.

surely any relationship cuts both ways?

Wow. I’d take a big step back from the lot of them, and if your mum says anything I’d probably lose it. You don’t feel you see much of baby? You see <sils baby> because you’ve committed all your available support to them. I’m just your daughter who lives 15 mins away and who spent last Easter alone because I can’t drive, while your daughter in law prefers not to drive so you drove an hour and a half to get her. You’re seeing all the grandchildren and children you make an effort with and it’s not me or my child, I cannot believe you want to have a go at me for your lack of interest and support.

seriously. Just drop out. Don’t call; don’t go around.

But she literally has just taken more on, an extra day of childcare. Most mums would have said I can’t do an extra day or not for more than a few months as I can only do two days and I’m planning to offer a day to Sarah. That’s how a normal mum responds here.

as for those people calling the op entitled and saying it’s her mums choice, it is indeed. And choices have consequences. If you ghost a friend don’t expect them to be a support to you. If you regularly buy 3 of the 4 friends in your circle a drink or lunch and stare blankly at the 4th, expect them to think and say you’re a royal bitch.

I would talk to my mum about this extra day she's committing to your db and sil - put a spoke on that wheel if you can because your db and sil are being very sharp elbowed. I'd want to put a stop to that if I could. Sometimes a bit of frank conversation is helpful - your parents might be getting sucked into a situation almost accidentally - the boiled frog analogy springs to mind and it would clarify things if they heard how this is coming across to you. Don't just sit back and allow your brother to take everything.

Of course, if you do that and nothing changes, at least you know and can plan accordingly.

I don't think anyone decent would mind a parent giving more help to their child who was truly in more need. If my sibling was ill or in an unfortunate position I'd absolutely want my folks to focus on them . The problem occurs when it's the already advantaged sibling who is getting even more help or where the siblings equally need a bit of help and the parents only help one. Fairness is important. It's true that this doesn't always mean treating siblings exactly the same but it does mean not favouring one unnecessarily.

I’ve read all of the OP’s posts and I don’t even know if this about “fairness” with childcare, or her perception of who her parents love more. The Easter thing is sad, and there’s likely more of that from childhood or maybe when the brother married SIL. The childcare issue may be what has OP finally realising the real imbalance?

And then the reality for so many families is that the daughter will be expected to care for the parents when they are elderly. A good sit down chat with the parents might be helpful but might not fix any issues. Or as others have said to just wait until baby arrives and see how the parents behave then.

No she was married. Nice dh. Both worked full time in good jobs. Sil liked living a certain way with nice things. They had a lovely life. And don’t get me wrong I love my Sil she’s great!. Without that full time childcare, and I’m talking 6am in-laws would go and collect gc then bring them home fed and bathed at 7pm, then Sil wouldn’t of been able to have the lovely life she had. Childcare would if meant needing a full time nanny. Dh worked away from Monday to Friday.

dh did bring it up with his parents, not childcare as such but the fact our dc hardly get to see them. Nothing changed. So we just took a step back and got on with being a family. i don’t have any family myself so it was pretty hard to see our dc not getting a relationship with grandparents.

it’s quite sad today as in-laws are very frail but my now adult dc just don’t want to know them. It’s their choice. And in-laws know they’ve messed up. Shame

Yet you still focus exclusively on the SIL who had all the lovely benefits of childcare not her DH.

People are so quick to point out another woman getting childcare with no mention of the father. It is like he does not exist or benefit from the arrangement.

as for those people calling the op entitled and saying it’s her mums choice, it is indeed. And choices have consequences. If you ghost a friend don’t expect them to be a support to you. If you regularly buy 3 of the 4 friends in your circle a drink or lunch and stare blankly at the 4th, expect them to think and say you’re a royal bitch.

Yes older women should be punished for not providing childcare. Meanwhile the grandfathers are enjoying themselves laughing they do not have these expectations.

Really, that's what you take from that post?

Why are you so insistent that I’m only focusing on Sil? I’ve mentioned her dh too. The blame falls only on my in-laws. It was their decision to provide care. It was their decision to not have a close relationship with our dc. Not Sil or bil fault at all.

My parents have my children 2 days a week. In termtime my mum gets to our house very early as we both start by 7am and gets them up, dressed and walks them to school. In the holidays we try to cover one of the days a week ourselves or offer to put them in a holiday club so they have the same routine as when they are at school. She has all of our leave dates and if we are off work she obviously doesnt come over.

My mum also does one day a week for my DB and SIL but collects their kids from school. My SIL is a SAHM so doesnt 'need' the childcare but my mum insists on doing it so its fair.

Because you have focused on the SIL. You only mentioned the DH when I asked.

@catchingup1the poster probably focussed on the sil because she's talking about the sil's parents and the disparity in treatment of their two children, who are the poster's husband and his sister (poster's sil).

That’s not quite true. The posts have been more along the lines of ‘if you show no interest in us or your grandchildren…etc’. Being involved in the lives of your grandchildren and actually babysitting them are two different things.

I live near my brother, and my mum is always asking me to help out with his house, and when she visits, will spend hours working on his house and garden with my dad.

I don't begrudge him the practical support at all, however it boils my piss that she's always asking me to help out when I work full time and have a toddler. And whenever they visit, my dad would always like to hang out with his grandson more, but she's always fixed on spending several days going back and forth to his house constantly whilst we get half an afternoon.

My brother is a mixture of a nice person and someone who whines a bit about lack of money - except he went to university on a full grant, travelled the world, bummed around doing low paid work, then settled into a reasonable income whilst my parents gave us all a house deposit. His small mortgage is paid off and he's still paid a FT salary - and I'm paying for the jobs on my house that my parents are doing for him!

Yes of course it should, have you asked them about child care have your in-laws offered any help with childcare. I think it would definitely effect the relationship If they are helping your brothers family out and saving them money every month then not being prepared to help you out with your baby how old is brother’s child now? Is it possible that they are struggling with the situation and they are not willing to help again with subsequent children.
Strongly suggest you book a nursery place close to your house or work asap and talk to them about what they are prepared to help with.

Brothers child has just turned 2 and they have agreed to increase the care for them, so I don’t think they are struggling.

on my in laws, my FIL died a few years ago and my MiL is in her 80s and lives in a retirement village.

i think my parents feel they have to help with my brother to provide equal to his PIL so they aren’t less favoured. But they don’t see the same competition with me and my partner. I am also told daughters are supposed to be kind if I ever push back.

ive got nursery sorted and a plan. I guess I am just sore about the disparity

What do you actually want your parents to do? Do you want them to pick your child up after nursery 1-2 days a week and stay at your house until 8pm/9pm, as they do for your brother?

I wanted them to pick me up and not leave me alone for the day, I wanted them not to go out of their way to tell me any childcare wouldn’t be forthcoming. My mum literally made a point of making sure my nursery choice would mean she didn’t have to do anything for me- whilst she goes out of her way to help my brother.

we will make the nursery we have chosen work because it looks like a better environment for our child. But the fact she went to look it up- not to see the ethos or the environment, but just to check the opening times- then before she was even asked set out that she wouldn’t be offering any help stung a bit

My mum literally made a point of making sure my nursery choice would mean she didn’t have to do anything for me- whilst she goes out of her way to help my brother.

But the fact she went to look it up- not to see the ethos or the environment, but just to check the opening times- then before she was even asked set out that she wouldn’t be offering any help stung a bit

Seem to be judging your mum quite a lot here. What about your dad or do men not get judged as harshly? What is stopping your dad from helping you?