AIBU to keep my married name after divorce despite new partner’s objections?

[FidgetWonkham]

Would like some perspective on this please.
I’ve been with my partner for a number of years and I’m only just going through the process of divorcing my ex. Several reasons why its took so long but money was a factor.

(I was separated two years before I met my new partner, he was not an affair)

Anyway, he feels very strongly that I should not be keeping my married name after the divorce. Says it’s ’another man’s name!’

However, it’s been my name now for a long time. I HATE my ‘maiden’ name! I like my name now, it’s my children’s name (young adults now) I also have to write my name for work many times a day. It’s just who I am now!!

I really don’t want to go back to my old name but my partner is so worked up about the prospect of me keeping my married name after divorce.

Thoughts please as I’m losing track of what’s reasonable.

Kept mine until I got married again. Disliked maiden name more than disliked previous. Red flag there it’s a name not a feeling. Don’t start bowing to that bullshit already

I had this problem. I had had the married name for many years. It was the name by which I was known in my profession. Plus it would have been a huge faff to change name for everything in my life, so I declined. New partner never stopped pressuring me about it. It’s a big red flag of insecurity and I it will be used as “proof” that you care more about previous partner than new one. Exhausting.

Your name belongs to you, you’re an adult and you get to decide what it is. He needs to drop this fast. If he doesn’t, I would think this is a red flag and get rid of him tbh.

It's wild of him to think he has any say over YOUR choice of your own name. 🙄

How it feels to have a different name to you children isn't a particular feeling only known to women. I have always had a different surname to my children and we have all (including their father) felt fine with that for over 30 years, but I wouldn't change my name to anything because someone else asked me to.

Your maiden name is also (usually) another man's name 😜 your dad's.

Nope. Her birth surname was hers for the first 20-30 years of her life, which she shared with family members.

Then she changed it to another surname, which she has now had for 20+ years, and she shares this name with other family members, ie her adult children.

ETA both those names are hers

What an odd thing for him to get worked up about.
I'd keep my married name if I got divorced (not that that's going to happen) because I prefer it to my maiden name. It's easier to pronounce and I don't have to repeat it and spell it out when I say it.

Keep your name if you want to it is nothing to do with your new partner. I’d feel
odd changing my name to one that is different from my children’s even if they are grown up.

Hmm, if your ex gets married again, wouldn’t Mrs Xx be her name?
I will admit I don’t know much about the names but when I use my maiden name (don’t anymore) I was a Miss maiden name. Now I am Mrs husband surname. Do your lose the Mrs bit after the divorce. If you do are you Miss ex husband surname or Mrs ex husband surname? Only matters really if your ex remarries as his new spouse will take his name. Truly don’t know the etiquette here sorry OP. Do you intend to marry new partner? If you do, will you take his name? If so, you and the kids will have different surnames anyway…

I kept my ex[s name when we divorced even though later he tried to stop me - the judge ruled against him.
I[m a Brit living in Switzerland. My maiden name is double-barrelled and we are the only family to have it. I even got jokes about it in the UK. My boss took one look at it on my name badge, said: Er, do you mind if I call you by your nickname..!
My ex[s name is also my professional name so there was no way that I would change it. Your partner sounds very unsure of himself.

Might be different if your new partner was asking you to marry him but it sounds like that is a long way off if it is ever likely to happen.

Hmm, if your ex gets married again, wouldn’t Mrs Xx be her name?

Possibly, if new wife adopts his surname. But so what? Very few surnames for which there is a singular Mrs Roberts (or whatever) in the country

Do your lose the Mrs bit after the divorce. If you do are you Miss ex husband surname or Mrs ex husband surname?

She’s Miss/Mrs/Dr/Ms HerSurname. Because it’s hers.

Do you intend to marry new partner?

Given the 🚩 I do hope not.

He's been with you all this time and only now raised this!? Keep your name especially as it's also your children's.

Or maybe she could just be MS whatever-name-she-wants!
Honestly what nonsense about Miss, Mrs and "won't his new wife be Mrs x". As if that matters?

Perhaps if her ex marries again his new wife will keep her own name? Or he will change his name to hers? Who knows?
Either way, it just doesn't really matter does it?

Your current partner is an idiot.

You can call yourself anything you like. Your ex sounds like a controlling prig. I never changed my surname, but if I had, that would be my name, no matter what.

I did so me and my kids had the same surname and went and called my next two kids same surname so we were all the same. All adults now and no one has ever wanted to change.

Your name your decision.
He sounds over possessive and insecure.

If OP changed hers to Princess Consuela Banana Hammock, the appropriate name for the partner to change his to would be Crap Bag. Based on his behaviour, that seems to fit.

OP, it's your decision, not this dude's. He can jog on.

I've remarried and I still haven't changed my surname from my previous married name. I want to keep the same surname as my children

When I married for the second time, I still kept my first married name. This was for numerous reasons. I did think I might change it when I had children, but then never bothered. Husband wasn't bothered, nor were first DH and his second wife. I was so used to it that it would have felt strange to change it.

A friend of mine kept her married name when she got divorced as she wanted to still have the same surname as her DS. When he grew up he promptly changed his surname to her maiden name!

I don't have any skin in the game, so no judgement whatever you decide, but how would you feel if he had changed his name with his ex and decided to keep it?

Maybe if you can explain to him why it wouldn't bother you (assuming it wouldn't) then he will come around with some understanding.

It’s your name and your children’s name. Keep it for those reasons.

Women are under no obligation to change their name on marriage. Any new DW might or might not change their name. Or the OP’s ex might change his name to a new wife’s name. Though few do. Patriarchal traditions are hard to shift.

The OP can choose whether or not to change her name should she re-marry.

So what if a second wife is also Mrs ExName? A woman who changed her name in marriage likely has the same name as her MIL.

Men expecting to stamp their own label on a woman and peel it off at will is a repellent sexist belief.

I kept my name, my Dc are hyphenated.

(don’t start in the Bingo game of ‘what if they marry someone with a double barrelled name…)