AIBU to keep my married name after divorce despite new partner’s objections?

[FidgetWonkham]

Would like some perspective on this please.
I’ve been with my partner for a number of years and I’m only just going through the process of divorcing my ex. Several reasons why its took so long but money was a factor.

(I was separated two years before I met my new partner, he was not an affair)

Anyway, he feels very strongly that I should not be keeping my married name after the divorce. Says it’s ’another man’s name!’

However, it’s been my name now for a long time. I HATE my ‘maiden’ name! I like my name now, it’s my children’s name (young adults now) I also have to write my name for work many times a day. It’s just who I am now!!

I really don’t want to go back to my old name but my partner is so worked up about the prospect of me keeping my married name after divorce.

Thoughts please as I’m losing track of what’s reasonable.

Rethink this partner.
He sounds controlling.
What you decide to be called is your business.
His behaviour is completely unacceptable on this issue.
I wouldn't want him around my children.
He is showing you who he is.
Believe him.

Anyway, he feels very strongly that I should not be keeping my married name after the divorce. Says it’s ’another man’s name!’

is he a dyed-in-the-wool misogynist in other things as well as this?

red flag right there.

It's really none of his business. Tell him to wind his neck in or you'll bin him off.

Your maiden name is also another man’s name. DP is being ridiculous.

He must be very insecure. It’s not his choice to make.

red flags

This would give me such an ick

I've have lived your experience! First marriage I took my husband's name which was an easy choice as I also had a birth-last name that I hated. I remarried a few years after divorce (no kids) and did not take my now husband's name.

I understood that my husband felt hurt that I'd previously adopted my ex-husband's name but I yet wasn't willing to to take his name (or at least revert to my hated birth name). I really understand his feeling here but... I didn't just "take" another mans' name, it became my name legally with all the administrative headaches that come with changing it after years. Also and I can't emphasize this enough - my chosen legal name is MY NAME! I own it, it's my identity and it wasn't a gift to give back when the marriage ended.

I will say though that I did eventually change my last name (last time doing it ever) to my husband's for reasons of convenience mostly (we have property/investments in two different countries and the bureaucracy is just easier sharing the same name).

OP has explained her reasons, which are sound enough. But I've always found the whole concept of taking a husband's name absurd! In fact marriage itself, in the modern world, is ridiculous, and so many parts of the ceremony/institution (name change included) and the way people talk about it hark back so obviously to the notion of 'woman as property'. It has no place in a modern, liberal society.

It's your name. I can't stand the sexist idea that women don't really have surnames and that every name they have is someone else's. Like when women talk about not changing their name upon marriage and naysayers will pop up to "point out" that your maiden name isn't really your name anyway, but your father's. No one ever says that to men, even though it's the same situation with them.

I'd be a little concerned about my fiance's views about women if he thought my name I've had for years isn't really mine because it once belonged to a bloke.

Keep the name, ditch the partner.

You could also point out that your maiden name is also “another man’s name” your Dad’s. No woman really has her own name because of how our society is set up, even if you have your mum’s surname she’s likely to have got it from her dad so your grandad. The only way to get your “own name” is pick something you like yourself and change it.
I think names are just names at the end of the day, doesn’t change who you are. But i would keep my husbands name if we divorced because same as you I just couldn’t be bothered changing back now and it’s my children’s name too.

Bin the partner, use the name of your choice.

YADNBU
He sounds ridiculously (insane) insecure.

If I got divorced, I would definitely keep my married name. Like you, I’ve got DCs and hated my maiden name.

Hell would have to freeze over first.

You've bagged yourself an arsehole. A controlling, jealous, petty one. Your surname will be the beginning of his "issues" with your life, now he thinks you are his and his alone.

You don't have to justify your choice to anyone, OP. But your reasons make perfect sense.
I notice you are avoiding the subject of your current partner's feelings about it though & haven't commented on that.

Now you have seen that pretty much every poster thinks he is being unreasonable and possibly controlling what are you feeling about it?

Unless your current surname actually is Banana-Hammock, you share it with hundreds if not thousands of people. Your DP can pretend you and your DC have your surname because of another person with it if it makes him feel better

(clue: it won’t, he’s a twat)

My sister kept her married name upon divorce. Like you OP, that was her children's name, plus she had built up a consultancy business with that name, website etc. Changing it would have been difficult professionally as well as personally.

Your partner is being petty. In the old fashioned sense, every woman has another man's name - presumably your maiden name was your father's name.

Your partner is a twat. And quite frankly if his attitude is that a name classifies ownership then quite frankly he should also be an ex.

What is reasonable is what you want to do. No one else should dictate what name we use. I am a step further. I married at 20 took my husbands name( preferred to my maiden name anyway). We divorced at 34, I kept my married name, same name as kids n I liked it. Remarried and didn't change to new husbands name. Some people just don't accept that n address me as Mrs Second husband. The number of people that pull me up lol.Why do they even care!! My second husband does not care . Anyway I don't know why we women take a man's name . If i was young and starting out I would not change my name on marriage now. But it's up to each individual to do what they prefer and everyone else to keep their nose out lol

My response to this would be:
"Oh great, I didn't realise that you were such a traditionalist. So I'll suppose we'll be getting married soon? After all you wouldn't want us to be living in sin. Shall I book the register office?"

See if that shuts him up. 😁

@DisappointedofMeryton is right.

It’s an indication of a jealous and possessive character. Don’t mistake it for love.
You do know there will be other “issues” with him. If not now, they will come crawling out.

Tell him you will consider changing it if you were to remarry but it’s staying the same as your children for now! 🚩he doesn’t get to tell you to change your name.

Thank you, you have all helped me realise I was not wrong in standing my ground.

Unless she's changed it by deed poll, every woman's name is a man's; either her husband's or her father's.

he sounds controlling and strange. It’s your name now. I was the opposite I went back to my maiden name the day I left DH but he had bullied me into changing my name.

By the same logic, her ex husband’s name wasn’t his, it was OP’s XFIL’s.

What about her first name? Is that hers? Mum, Dad or both picked it, after all.

Maybe we should all go by state assigned serial numbers.