AIBU to keep my married name after divorce despite new partner’s objections?

[FidgetWonkham]

Would like some perspective on this please.
I’ve been with my partner for a number of years and I’m only just going through the process of divorcing my ex. Several reasons why its took so long but money was a factor.

(I was separated two years before I met my new partner, he was not an affair)

Anyway, he feels very strongly that I should not be keeping my married name after the divorce. Says it’s ’another man’s name!’

However, it’s been my name now for a long time. I HATE my ‘maiden’ name! I like my name now, it’s my children’s name (young adults now) I also have to write my name for work many times a day. It’s just who I am now!!

I really don’t want to go back to my old name but my partner is so worked up about the prospect of me keeping my married name after divorce.

Thoughts please as I’m losing track of what’s reasonable.

I kept my maiden name when we got married and DC have both of our names. I did this for a few reasons but one was I’m an academic with a fair chunk of published work and I wanted to ensure my work was correctly attributed to me. I also don’t like DH’s surname!

Your surname is obviously your choice and many women keep it when it’s their DC’s name.

I was married 22 years, divorced, kept the name and have re-married. DH could not possibly care less what name I use, so I've kept the one from my first marriage. The list of things I would have had to change was daunting. License, Social Security (US), pension, insurance, house and car titles, bank accounts, bonds, stocks, medical records, work records. In a hundred years, even fifty or less, nobody will care what my name was. A rose by any other name smells just as sweet.

LTB

Don't marry him. No point. Just stay as you are. If he doesn't like that, ask yourself why.

It is her name, her name ‘belongs’ to her. It doesn’t matter if she goes by her birth certificate, the same as her fathers, she same as her ex husband or one she made up randomly, it is what she chooses to be known as and it is hers. Even if she’s called Jane Smith and thousands of other people have it, it is still HER name. Stop giving ownership of her name to someone else.

Fuck all to do with him! Who does he think he is? Honestly. Tell him to piss off

Your name, your decision. Your partner sounds either very insecure or is a that.

It’s giving red flags & insecurity on his part which equal controlling behaviour unfortunately. Even if it’s low level it’s tiresome & unnecessary. To be so bothered about this reveals jealousy & being overly bothered about you & other men & blah blah.
If he wants you to change your name so much is he offering to marry you so that you don’t have another man’s name but his instead? (Said tongue in cheek, I’m not suggesting that you shld be grateful & over the moon if a man wld come along & offer to marry you!). Your name is your identity & so much more & the fact he can’t see that & only that it makes you belong to another man is a problem imo.

Your name, your choice. You want the same name as your children. Totally reasonable. The partner is a red flag, does he try to control other aspects of your life and decision making?

i think he would have preferred me to have been divorced sooner and for us to be married. We’ve been arguing recently anyway so ….

In uk all women’s names are “another man’s name”.
I still have my divorced surname. It is my surname and was for 35 years of my life before I divorced.
much as I like my maiden name, too many links with my married name to change including all my legal documents and my kids surnames.
I do use maiden name a lot on non legal settings…social media, emails, social stuff that I started since divorced.

if I was going to change my surname at all it would be to NO man’s name. Even my mothers maiden name is her fathers name (another man’s).

If this new partner is jealous of you using another man’s name, that’s a red flag imho. That’s pretty irrational given all surnames are another man’s name. I’d be extremely worried where that jealous and insecurity and lack of trust will end up.

Personally I wouldn’t keep the name (or have changed it in the first place) but it’s your choice.

If he’s so insecure he can’t handle you having the same name as your ex husband then he can fuck off. It’s odd that he was happy to be in a relationship with you when you weren’t divorced but this is his red line.

You may find it odd, especially if you regret marrying your exh

i do not regret marrying my ex. Despite his quite awful behaviour at times. He and I made a life together for over 30 years, and we were mostly happy and loved each other. We also had 2 dc who we are both doting parents to despite them being in their late 20s/early 30s. We cannot undo that bond. We will never be strangers.

I am NOTthe same person as I was when I had my maiden name. That was my father’s name. I had left home long before I married, and when I married I became a new family, with a new family name for me and my kids. I grew into that relationship, and spent the bigger part of my adult life in it. That relationship shaped me to what I am today; for better or worse. Literally.

it makes no sense reverting to a name I had up to my late 20s, when I’m in my 60s (late 50s when divorced).

to say I associate my married name with someone I no longer love, is bizarre. I associate it with my kids, who I love. I associate with a man who I did love once, and do not regret marrying.

I think your views are based on your experience and emotions around your marriage and regrets. A lot of people don’t divorce and hate/dislike their ex. Sometimes shit happens and married couples can no longer be happy in a marriage, or simply, in my case, be under the same roof.

my surname is mine. Not my husbands. Any more than his mother’s (my ex MIL) name wasn’t hers and somehow “borrowed” from her husband until he died.

In uk all women’s names are “another man’s name”.

If that's true then all men's names must also be someone else's name unless they have a completely new surname.

Plus some surnames have female origins: Baxter (female baker), Brewster (female brewer), Webster (female weaver). So men with those surnames must have ended up with them down a family name line which was at least partly matrolineal. I pointed this out to a man who had one of these names and he got really pissed off with me, not sure why. Perhaps having "a lady's name" is shameful for some men, given that we are such inferior creatures and all.

Sometimes people change their minds over time. I kept my name but the kids have DH’a name. If I was having kids now, I would probably double barrel or suggest they took my name.

It’s your name . I married a second time and still kept my fort married name because it’s my sons name too and my grandsons so I was keeping it .

It’s an interesting test of his character. How is he likely to react if you say “I have thought about everything you have said. I understand your point of view but I don’t agree with it. I like my name. I like sharing my name with my children and I will not be changing it”?
Some men simply cannot accept that you have listened and understood their point but that you are simply choosing something else. Better to find out now if that’s who he is

If I divorced my DH I wouldn’t bother changing my name. It’s the name I share with my DC and I intend to keep it. It’s your name, you do what you like with it. Besides it’s a ball ache to change one too!

He has a lot of positive qualities and I I’ve been very happy with him. I love him very much which is why I was doubting myself, I think. I’ve felt under pressure to do something that really doesn’t feel right to me.

Use whatever name you like OP. Whatever goes with your first name, whatever sounds good to you. Your DP doesn’t come out of this very well to be honest. Whatever goes with else will he pressure you about if you marry?

Just a reminder to anyone thinking of changing their name, it is completely free to do so, just google free deed poll.

He is being unreasonable and a bit controlling/possessive

@honeylulu Plus some surnames have female origins: Baxter (female baker), Brewster (female brewer), Webster (female weaver). So men with those surnames must have ended up with them down a family name line which was at least partly matrilineal.

Oh I love this fact! Thank you for putting it here ❤️.

@NSA2103 My ex-wife exited our marriage and was extremely badly behaved in the process. I requested she revert to her maiden name after the divorce, but she kept my family name - I reckon just to annoy me.

None of that has got anything to do with what she chooses to call herself though. She can call herself literally anything. It’s not your name, it’s just a name that you happen to have been called. You don’t own it. If you tell me what it is, I too can have a fully legal name change by tomorrow. Anyone can.

Have you tried not being annoyed by it?

I kept my married name after divorce, It was hassle to change everything. I eventually remarried and took my new husband's name, we were together for years before we married, he never questioned it. I still use my email that contains my former married name. He's not in the least bit offended.

What would that guarantee?

No way would I change my name yet again to match a man’s.

Especially if my kids had the same name

Completely. If as many men got more triggered by rates of violence against women than they do by whether 'their' woman has 'their' correct label of male ownership, we wouldn't be where we are now. I changed my surname to one of my own choosing because I didn't want to bear any man's name.