AIBU to keep my married name after divorce despite new partner’s objections?

[FidgetWonkham]

Would like some perspective on this please.
I’ve been with my partner for a number of years and I’m only just going through the process of divorcing my ex. Several reasons why its took so long but money was a factor.

(I was separated two years before I met my new partner, he was not an affair)

Anyway, he feels very strongly that I should not be keeping my married name after the divorce. Says it’s ’another man’s name!’

However, it’s been my name now for a long time. I HATE my ‘maiden’ name! I like my name now, it’s my children’s name (young adults now) I also have to write my name for work many times a day. It’s just who I am now!!

I really don’t want to go back to my old name but my partner is so worked up about the prospect of me keeping my married name after divorce.

Thoughts please as I’m losing track of what’s reasonable.

I still have my married name over ten years after divorcing XH. I tried changing it by deed poll recently but it was such a palaver, they didn’t send the forms I requested, so I printed them off the government website but they queried that these weren’t originals. Then they wanted a solicitor to witness my two friends signing it etc so costing me and them time off work and money to do it all officially. That’s before you even start with having to change your name on everything, which with so many online accounts etc is a huge job in itself, requiring new email addresses if you use your name in email, plus passport, driving licence, house deeds, bank accounts, insurance policies and all the bills. It’s a daunting prospect.

In the end I decided to keep my old name, even though it’s a pain, and I really wanted to change it to an old family name from my mum’s side instead.

If any new partner had a problem with that I’d tell him to either fuck off or fill out all the name change paperwork and deal with all the change of accounts for me himself!

But it’s YOUR name 🤷🏻‍♀️

He needs to grow up. Tell him it’s your kids surname so you are not changing it

hes been ok with it for years anyway

Actually there are some unusual circumstances around this but my current surname only goes back as far as my exs mother. So it was an acquired name, not inherited from a long line of men.

Im also rubbish at admin! Just the thought of the hassle gives me a headache!

I hated my maiden name so happily changed it when I got married and kids had same name. When we divorced I kept the name. When I married 2nd dh I did take his name as I preferred it and we had a child together so our names matched.

i wish now I had liked my maiden name, kept it and given it to my three children. Both dds are married and took their partners names as they preferred it to their names. I wanted them to keep their names.

It's none of this man's business what name you choose to have!
🚩
This has possessiveness written all over it. What a wally.

Your name is your name. You've had it for x amount of years. Your partner is being controlling. He doesn't like that the name belongs to your ex and therefore by extention so do you. Your name isn't about about ownership. It about you and your children's joint identity. I'd be very clear that your name isn't up for discussion. You will be keeping it regardless of your relationship status now or in the future. He needs to decide if he can live with that or not. If not then his ego is more important than your relationship.

@FidgetWonkham
You’ve definitely made the right decision.

Please don’t let him pressurise you. He has absolutely no right to.

It is not your ex's name. You changed your name and then it became your name. You choose.

Tell him it’s your name now and it’s linked to your professional identity and your children.
tell him in hindsight you don’t even wish you hadn’t changed it and given your children your maiden name as you don’t like your maiden name it was Great to have had a life circumstance that led you to change it.
Hanging onto it has nothing to do with you ex you don’t like or love him.
tell him you’re only going to say this once to him and you’re not going to discuss this with him again.

you could even write this all in an email and any time he does mention it have a phrase on repeat ‘please re read the email if you need a reminder- I’m not discussing this any more’ then change the subject .

I once worked with a Headteacher who, after accidentally calling a child by tge wrong name, said, "It would be so much easier if they all came with bar codes."

I do think it's interesting that so many people talk about women's names as being their father's but noone ever says to a man that their surname is their father's.

It makes perfect sense.

What doesn’t make sense is your partner’s attitude. If you’ve explained your situation clearly to him, then that’s it. He needs to respect your decision.

Your maiden name is also another mans name, your Dad's. His behaviour is a massive red flag for jealous and controlling behaviour.

Why did you change it in the first place?

Anyway hope partner is being a twat, tell him it's not up for discussion.

As is every man's, if we're going down that route. OP's fiance should change his name. Wouldn't want a surname that used to be another man's after all, even if that man was your father.

Why did you change it in the first place?
She literally says she hated her maidan name.
Why are you even questioning it, it's not the point of the thread.
I certainly wouldn't be changing my name to protect a man's ego.

OP has answered that question - read her posts.

Watch that red flag a wavin’…….

I have to say I don't quite follow all the people who say it's your name. It wasn't originally and you only took it because you got married. I absolutely understand why people want the same name as DC and so keep it but yours are older so it seems less relevant. I find it odd that people keep the name of their ex for no particular reason, seems just a constant reminder of this person that you no longer love. I do understand not loving your maiden name and I know someone in your situation who picked another name, and another who took their mother's maiden name instead of reverting back to father's.

Having said that however it is 100pc your choice and your DP doesn't get to dictate this. So do whatever you want to do and that's that.

Tell him it’s your name now and it’s linked to your professional identity and your children.
I wouldnt even be justifying my name and why I want to keep it.

I'd say it's not open for discussion.
Poor fragile man, getting worked up over a name.
If this upsets him, what's he going to be like when other things don't go his way!

He needs to grow the fuck up. I've kept my "married" name after divorcing him nearly 30 years ago. I like it better than my birth name and I don't intend to ever give it up for anybody.

That’s the main reason I didn’t change my name when I got married 26 years ago. It’s a ridiculous amount of work.

OP is soundly ignoring the red flags which numerous people have pointed out...

It's a perfectly logical idea to keep the name you have called yourself, and your children, for twenty years.