AIBU to keep my married name after divorce despite new partner’s objections?

[FidgetWonkham]

Would like some perspective on this please.
I’ve been with my partner for a number of years and I’m only just going through the process of divorcing my ex. Several reasons why its took so long but money was a factor.

(I was separated two years before I met my new partner, he was not an affair)

Anyway, he feels very strongly that I should not be keeping my married name after the divorce. Says it’s ’another man’s name!’

However, it’s been my name now for a long time. I HATE my ‘maiden’ name! I like my name now, it’s my children’s name (young adults now) I also have to write my name for work many times a day. It’s just who I am now!!

I really don’t want to go back to my old name but my partner is so worked up about the prospect of me keeping my married name after divorce.

Thoughts please as I’m losing track of what’s reasonable.

I still use my first exH's surname from 40yrs ago and didn't change it after divorce or when I then married again 20yrs later (divorced now) . Definitely won't be marrying again .....or changing my name ! It's my name now ,it's who I am 😊

Total red flag. I'm on my third marriage/civil partnership. I changed my name with both marriages and both my husbands would have been appalled if I hadn't.

I don't think it ever crossed the mind of my civil partner that I would change my surname to his. He sees me as an equal, doesn't think he owns me or has the right to control me, unlike my husbands.

I’d keep it and relish the resentment

Keep your surname and dump the guy.

One of my close friends still goes by her married surname although she's been divorced for many years. She just feels it would be too much hassle to change it. Current bloke isn't bothered.

He sees the name as a brand of ownership in you, which is 🚩 and thinks you should do what he wants when it affects him not at all and you a lot 🚩 and makes you different from your children 🚩. I would not consider it and I would tell him why.

I don’t think men realise how it feels to have a different name to your children. Not being unreasonable at all xx

I'd be wary of a man who gets this worked up about a name. Your partner must, at the very least, be really insecure. Have a think about whether you really want to stay with him.

100% your choice.

It is not ‘another man’s name’ it’s your name.

It is the problem with the default position that women change name on marriage that men see women as never having their own name, just a label stuck on when they change men. Father to husband.

Tell him he has another man’s name and should change his surname to his Mum’s birth name.

But seriously, how come he is so insecure and jealous over your name? And thinks he has the right to pressure you?

I'm with you, I disliked my maiden name intensely and it was often the subject of jokes, but my married name is totally innocuous, very bland and I love it as such. It's also my childs name and despite them being an adult now, I wouldn't change it for that reason alone, nevermind the first part.

Did you current partner hate your surname the moment they met you as it came from your ex? Point out that you are the same person now as you were then, but if your current partner keeps on about this, that you may end up thinking they are a changed person...!

Tell them to get a grip

Your name your decision! Though this is why I think ‘taking’ anyone else’s name on marriage is outdated and should become something we all stop doing.

I would question being with a man who tried to dictate what I wanted to call myself.

This strikes me as a bit contradictory as you don’t want to revert back to the name you were born with and presumably had until you married, because of the association of that name with your father, yet you want to retain the name you took when you married despite the fact that you divorced that person.
On the one hand, it’s completely your decision as to which name you decide to use, on the other hand I can sort of understand why your DP thought you would change it. If you were to remarry, what would you do then?

It's the same name as her children, perfectly reasonable to want the same surname as them.

My mum kept her married name after parents divorced, even when he remarried and his new wife wanted to be the only ‘Mrs X’ out there. My mum said she wanted the same name as her children and she’d had her married name longer than her maiden name.

Do what you want for you. It’s a weird thing for him to be getting his boxers in a twist about.

Not only is he being unreasonable he's not even consistent!!!
If he's that traditional, why is he not proposing marriage?
Indeed why is he not marrying a 20-year-old virgin?

Not only a misogynistic twat but an inconsistent one.

Can't stand men like this, reminds me of an acquaintance of mine.
He's always wanging on about 'traditional family units' not to the extent, though, of getting off his lazy arse and working.

Yes that's right, Dave, traditional family men ALWAYS stay in bed till gone noon and spark up a joint and stay on the sofa all day.
Twat.

Soontobe60, it’s not really the main reason just another factor.The main reason is that I dislike my old surname with my first name and I hate saying it out loud. I associate it with my younger unhappier self. My current name represents the me that’s older and happier in my own skin.

Maybe that won’t make sense to other people.

I have a different name to my children. I changed it to my DHs name when we married, my DDs each had different surnames, now they have different names again as they’re both married. One DDs surname is double barrelled with her DH, but his isn’t.
Most people aren’t all that bothered about different surnames. The fact that my DC have different names to me doesn't make them any less my children.

I've been with my partner for 14 years and divorced from my ex husband for even longer.

We married fairly young so I've had my married name for longer than my birth name. I hate my original surname (which of course was my dad's name so was already another man's name!) so I have retained what I think of now as just my name. It's also my son's surname which was part of the pull. Also I can't be arsed to change it, so much paperwork!

My DP doesn't give a stuff. In the unlikely event that we got married, I might consider changing it then but as I don't want to get married again, that seems a distant possibility.

Keep whatever name you like, your partner is being ridiculous not to mention, a little controlling.

Anyone with an ounce of emotional intelligence could understand this OP, I promise.

Is your partner sexist or controlling in other ways?

Why are you with a bloke with such outdated and patriarchal ideas?

"Another man's name?" So a woman's name is a stamp of ownership to him, and he doesn't like his woman carrying the ownership mark of 'another man'? Sod that nonsense

(And you're a little complicit by regarding your original name as your father's)

It was yours. As is your current name. You own it. It's no one else's business which name you choose for yourself.

He needs to understand it's your identity not to do with your ex, a connection with your children not a label to identify who owns you. He sounds like a Muppet.

I kept my married name after divorce. I preferred it to the name i was born with. Also, it is how I am known professionally. My current partner couldn't care less.

YANBU because it’s your children’s name. Tell him you’re not doing it because of the relationship to your children’s name and that you won’t discuss the issue again.

It's your history, the name you chose to take and ultimately your choice to keep or change, it's not a territorial flag of a man 'owning' you. He doesn't get to decide any other adults name but his own