AIBU to keep my married name after divorce despite new partner’s objections?

[FidgetWonkham]

Would like some perspective on this please.
I’ve been with my partner for a number of years and I’m only just going through the process of divorcing my ex. Several reasons why its took so long but money was a factor.

(I was separated two years before I met my new partner, he was not an affair)

Anyway, he feels very strongly that I should not be keeping my married name after the divorce. Says it’s ’another man’s name!’

However, it’s been my name now for a long time. I HATE my ‘maiden’ name! I like my name now, it’s my children’s name (young adults now) I also have to write my name for work many times a day. It’s just who I am now!!

I really don’t want to go back to my old name but my partner is so worked up about the prospect of me keeping my married name after divorce.

Thoughts please as I’m losing track of what’s reasonable.

I’m in a similar position although my partner wouldn’t dream of commenting on it. I’ve had my married name longer than I had my maiden name and all of my career. I won’t be changing it. Your partner needs to get over it!!

You should have changed your surname to hers on marriage, then it would have been in your control to change it back to your virgin surname on divorce.

From your posts, I'm struggling to see what positive qualities your new partner has to be honest.

Sounds like he wants to mark his territory. Euch!

It's your family name. Keep it.

After my DF died (decades ago) my DM slightly teasingly suggested she might revert to her maiden name. They had been very happily married but she was also proud of her birth family - and possibly wanting some distraction from bereavement. But we, her middle aged children were horrified at the thought of our DM suddenly having a different surname to us.

We wouldn’t actively have tried to prevent her, of course - we loved her and were invested in her happiness and contentment - but I do think our initial reaction (even to a jokey suggestion) influenced her.

I kept my former married name for all the time my dc were at school / college , then as I had no objection to my maiden name I eventually reverted to that .
You can stay as a married name if you like , don't be hassled by a partner to change .
My friend was like you and had no desire to go back to her maiden name so she changed it to a random surname she preferred .

"Sophie Smith you should return to being Sophie Ramsbottom.

No your identity, professional and personal relationships youve built up under that name don't matter that much. It's just a name.

A name I think matters so hugely because it marks your identity as still belonging to another man and my fragile ego struggles with this.

Of course I'm not prepared to become Harry Ramsbottom if we then get married.

Why the fuck would I want to have a surname with the word bottom in?

It's a massive hassle to change my name. It would affect how others perceive me. I work in a very important industry and changing my name to my wife's would be perceived as me being weak or permissive to a woman which would impact on my professional relationships and how seriously I was taken.

Plus it doesn't reflect my all important paternal heritage whilst expecting you to instantly forget your paternal heritage, which is currently very important to me, the instant I marry you.

What do you mean I'm a controlling hypocritical sexist arse?"

Na mate.

Fuck off.

I wouldn’t change my name. It’s my family name with my children and my professional name.
I wouldn’t get into big discussions or debates about it either trying to justify it.

If you have a son tell your new partner that yes, you have another man’s name… your sons, abd leave it there.

Oh dear.

You really said this and admit to it?

And you think it's to annoy you? Bahhhahhaa!

Your ego isn't the centre of the universe. I love how you thought you had a right to even ask her this and can't comprehend that she may have kept it. Your inability to see things from any other perspective than your own is staggering!

That's just her name now and she didn't want the hassle of changing it again.

But no, it has to because she was seeking to annoy you!

Can't think why she divorced you...

Not his decision to make.

I kept my married name when I divorced. It's the same name as my children, it's what I'm known as professionally and I couldn't be arsed with the hassle and expense of changing my passport, driving licence, bank accounts, utility bills and everything else with my name on!

It does sound like a controlling reaction OP as if he views you as property not a person. Take care with him and look after yourself.

I kept my married name. For three reasons. I’m known by that name professionally, I wanted the same name as my DC, and I CBA with the faff.

The thought of my now DP (of 13 years) injecting to it is laughable!

He’s a massive sexist. Is this the first sign of it?

I’m not sure you’ve upgraded on the partner/Dh front

nothing to do with him he sounds like a cat pissing to mark his territory

He sounds controlling and selfish. Surely he understand you'd want the same last name as your children? Very possessive.

My parents were divorced when I was a child and my mother kept her married name for the rest of her life. Possibly this was her reason too but I also know she never liked her original name as she was teased about it as a child.

She was married to my father for 17 years so I imagine now felt that name was her identity - I don't really know as I never questioned her reasons or asked her about it, but it seemed totally normal to me that she carried on with the same name. That was who she was

I think men who get very upset that a wife wont take their name are a red flag. A partner who has an issue with your current name goes far beyond red.flag territory.

Presumably he holds these views whilst also using ‘another man’s name’ as his surname? Aka his dad? Or does he have another woman’s surname? Aka his mum.

I kept my married name after divorce because it's such a faff changing it.
However, I did change to my new DH's name because I was tired of having to spell out the other tricky one !

Massive red flags for me here.

Your name is your decision. That's it really.

When people call you that surname literally nobody but your partner thinks of it as your ex’s name. It’s your name and your kids’ name.

Divorce is hard enough. If you ended up with a surname you like, keep it.

Similar situation, although there's a kid involved. I've been separated from my ex H since 2018, can't afford to get divorced. I've still got my married surname, and I gave that surname to my DS! My ex (and DS's sperm donor) then tried to claim DS was fathered by my ex H and wanted a DNA test. As I went through the CMS to get him to pay child maintenance and he was disputing DS's parentage, it cost him over £300 for said DNA test, which I feel very smug about.

You get to decide about your own name. And you want it to match your children's. That's fine.

Red flag/red pill alert. Your new partner thinks women are a man's property with the surname signifying ownership. Yuck.

You can have whatever surname you want, for whatever reason you want. So can men though most are oddly resistant to changing theirs, funny that. Maybe they are scared people will think their wife owns them or something.

My husbands first wife changed her name on marriage and kept it when they divorced, even though she remarried and there were no kids from the first marriage. She just preferred it apparently. I didn't change my name when we married. I thought it was quite funny that my husband had an ex wife called Mrs Husband and a current wife called Miss Birthname.