AIBU to keep my married name after divorce despite new partner’s objections?

[FidgetWonkham]

Would like some perspective on this please.
I’ve been with my partner for a number of years and I’m only just going through the process of divorcing my ex. Several reasons why its took so long but money was a factor.

(I was separated two years before I met my new partner, he was not an affair)

Anyway, he feels very strongly that I should not be keeping my married name after the divorce. Says it’s ’another man’s name!’

However, it’s been my name now for a long time. I HATE my ‘maiden’ name! I like my name now, it’s my children’s name (young adults now) I also have to write my name for work many times a day. It’s just who I am now!!

I really don’t want to go back to my old name but my partner is so worked up about the prospect of me keeping my married name after divorce.

Thoughts please as I’m losing track of what’s reasonable.

It’s your name in that it’s the name you have chosen to have/keep. I kept my married name and have been divorced for many years. Don’t particularly like it, but it’s my name until I choose to change it.

Me too, and for same reasons.

Your name is your name. And it’s a name you share with your children, who you love. Why would you change it back to a name that doesn’t feel like yours, the name of a man you were estranged from… at the request/insistence of another man?

Your DP needs to take a hard look at himself. He fell in love with Lisa Smith, mother of Luke and Laura Smith. Now he’s grumpy she won’t become Lisa Jones at his demand?

i thought it weird that my divorced pal kept her horrible husbands name (no children) but she described it as her own name now, hates her maiden name, and this surname has improved her credit rating so she’s not wanting to change it.

fair enough if that’s what she wants. i don’t even like her new name but heyho.

but when a boyfriend objects to their girlfriend havimg “another man’s name” thats a bit possessive and weird.

I have my first married name. I chose to keep it when I divorced, and when I married again, because it’s a great, and unusual, name, and I really like it. It was a conscious choice, and it’s not appropriate for anybody else to choose my name for me, or yours for you.

Tell your partner to get over his insecurities, which are (or should be) his problem, not yours.

I wouldn't be in a relationship with a man that made such ridiculous demands.

Tell him you're changing it to Princess-Consuela-Banana-Hammock (quad barrelled) and if he marriage you one day he can also have that name.

This
he sounds a bit of a patriarchal misogynistic dick.
have whatever name you like.
my mum is remarried (20 years) and still has her ex husband’s name! Because it’s her name. It’s also my name and my kids name.

This is more about him than you though isn’t it. And it tells you plenty.

I kept mine when divorced, when I remarried and when divorced second time.

take a look at other aspects of your relationship and check if there are other things he is demanding about.

do what you want.

So many red flags 🚩 here! He’s being a controlling twat. Not a chance in HELL I would allow a man to dictate my life choices. Or anything else for that matter. This is very toxic OP.

I’d keep my married name if I got divorced, it’s my name now. Your partner is being really unreasonable to ask you to change your own name. Red flag?

He has been with you for years with 'another man's name'. What is he expecting to change? This is screaming control to me and would very much put me off him. He clearly believes that women are property of men and that only men have the right to choose their name.

I think this is a massive red flag. He thinks he has some sort of rights over your decision making. There’s nothing unreasonable about having any last name you choose, and him pushing you into a corner about something that won’t affect him at all is worrying.

Hmm, I think XHs trying to get territorial about surnames is the other side of the controlling coin. If an XH is daft enough to feel 'slightly awkward' about it then that's his problem to sit with and not show himself up by communicating with anyone else about. It simply isn't the place of anyone's current or ex partner to try and influence what name they use.

It’s none of his business. You can use what name you want

I didn't change my name when I married because it's a massive fucking hassle and people know/knew me as my name.

You've done all that before. You have established yourself as Mrs X. I can completely understand why you don't want to go through the hassle of changing it and re-establishing a new name. It doesn't serve any purpose.

ESPECIALLY if it's merely to please another man who sees your name not as your identity but as another man's.

So you change your name back to your maiden name and then you marry this guy? And you have to change your name AGAIN to please him because he's so fucking insecure and by his own admission thinks women belong to men and their names reflect this.

He isn't just potentially asking you to change your name once. He's potentially asking you to be prepared to change it twice to satisfy his own ego without consideration for just how much of a hassle it is and how it impacts your personal and professional relationships.

It's not only selfish but it's incredibly sexist and unthinking in terms of it's real life impact.

If you were to change your name back to your maiden name, would be better prepared to change his name to your maiden name on marriage? If not why not?

It's your name now. It's his problem to resolve not your.

This implies he is possessive, jealous and controlling. A worrying red flag.

There’s no rule that says a married surname belongs to your ex. It’s legally yours and you’re entitled to keep it. I’d keep mine, I’ve had it for longer than my maiden name, it’s a lovely name and my maiden name was vile.

Btw this line stood out to me in your OP

Thoughts please as I’m losing track of what’s reasonable.

This isn't about the name. This man is making your question yourself and doubt your own decision making with his emotional manipulation.

This is your biggest red flag.

I’m a firm believer that it isn’t anyone else’s name except your own. I did take the same surname as my husband on marriage, actually encouraged to do so by my dad. When I was going through divorce, I hummed and ahhed about what I would do, I decided I’d keep my married name until such a time I’d maybe change it, at a time decided by me, if ever. My ex-to-be was in full agreement it would be my choice, as I was told through my adult dc, as we were no contact at the time. I prefer my maiden name but the draw to be the same as my dc was a massive pull and I’d probably have stayed the same, I don’t think that could’ve been taken lightly and certainly nothing to be dictated by a future partner, they’d have had to understand or they’d be gone. DH and I are back together, so it’s now a moot point, lol. The fact your new partner thinks your name actually belongs to someone else makes me think he’s of the belief women are owned by men, red flag tbh.

Your surname isn't the decision of your partner. It's your decision and he's very much overstepping boundaries by trying to tell you what your name should be.

It's your professional name and the name of your children. Those are good reasons for keeping it on their own.

Why is it so important to him? Does he try to tell you what to do in other aspects of your life and relationship? I'd find that rather concerning.

It's not right for your new partner to be making this request.
But I have a different angle of thought: why did the marriage end?
My ex-wife exited our marriage and was extremely badly behaved in the process. I requested she revert to her maiden name after the divorce, but she kept my family name - I reckon just to annoy me.

He wants you to change your name, back to the name of a man he knows you had a bad parent/child relationship with to the extent you ended up having no contact, because HIS ego is bruised by you having last name of ‘another man’?

Mate, he sounds like a misogynist prick with no emotional intelligence. Are you not hugely put off him by this? Yuck.

Exactly! When I think of all the possible surnames I could have. The name of my children is the one I have most affinity to.

I ended my marriage mostly because we had drifted apart to the point there was no proper relationship left. We are amicable now, although we don’t have much contact.

very controlling of this man. who does he think he is to pressure you into changing your name to a name that you don’t like and is different to your kids’?! absolutely not his place to make you feel bad about this.