Unreliable daughter - do I put my foot down?

[AyiaNanna]

As much as I’ve been very excited for grandchildren I have always made it clear that I’m not prepared to do any childcare. She only returned to work last week and already she’s asked me to cover next week. Supposedly she’s only just found out that the nursery is closed.

Should I agree or am I opening up the floodgates and encouraging yet more requests!

Do I say no and let her sort herself out?

What are your reasons for your decision?

She needs to sort herself out on this occasion but do you really mean you wouldn't offer any childcare - ever?

I’d say yes as realistically, she’s not going find alternative childcare at this late stage.

But, make it clear that this is a one-off and once she’s familiar with the nursery’s schedule, she needs to sort out childcare well in advance.

I suggest you talk to her and establish exactly what is happening. I wouldn’t want to do a week of childcare but I would be available for true emergencies.

Does it have to be so black and white?

With family like this who needs enemies

Seriously no child care? No babysitting, no odd sick day, no occasional overnights?
Nothing
Any reason?

If you want to say no, say no. I think you’re right it will open the floodgates. Some nurseries won’t let the kids in with any hint of illness, she’ll be on to you to cover that for sure as well.

No one is obligated to do any childcare. My parents did 1 afternoon a week for which I was very grateful, but the expectation some people have of grandparents is beyond unreasonable imo.

I would help in an emergency for sure

I think you're being wholly unreasonable! You'd let your daughter struggle ?? They're your grandchildren!

you sure you're excited about grandchildren?

A week at no notice?! That's a huge ask. I'd absolutely understand you saying you couldn't - though I also see that she's in a very difficult position. How about offering some days/half days?

You'd be doing nothing wrong if you just said you absolutely couldn't, though.

Misery

How is she unreliable though? You haven’t offered much context. If this is the first thing she’s asked for then YABU, she’s a new parent navigating the hell that is childcare and it’s easy not to realise nursery is closed for the week when she’s brand new to it! Give her a break, unless this is going to be a huge drip feed.

I wouldn’t be offering round the clock cover but in an emergency surely? If you never want them at all, are you happy enough not to be close to them?

Why have you called her unreliable ?
You are the one who is unreliable - and unreasonable.

Do you work or have other responsibilities like caring for elderly parents?

She’s booked child into a term time only nursery then? If so then yes I’d be tempted to he ‘ill’ next week. If it’s genuinely a one off and the nursery is shut for some unforeseen reason I’d do it.

Wow, I seriously appreciate my mum so much more after seeing this

In all reality, what else is her options?
She's just returned to work, so she can't take time off.
Her arranged childcare is unavailable.

Without a massive drip feed you are being unreasonable.

A whole week of childcare is a lot. Is the nursery really shut for the whole week or just Monday?

Is there anyone else who could do some of the days? The other set of GP’s, Aunties, Cousins, Friends, lots of people will have taken time off work to look after their kids for the school holidays……

I would offer to do two days and tell DD she needs to find others for the other days or she’ll have to take emergency parental leave, unpaid or out of her holiday allowance. If you do the whole week then yes she will do this again.

You sound like my mum. 😂

Doesn’t bode well if she and baby’s dad can’t even be organised a week in. I do think if you agree this time she’ll take it as a green light to take the piss.

Did your parents, or her dad’s parents ever do childcare for you guys?

It isn’t your responsibility or “job” to do childcare but it’s sort of…. Selfish and not very family oriented to completely refuse any. Nurseries being shut over Easter week can be a surprise when it’s your first year there. Some only shut for Christmas, some shut lots. Things happen with kids, emergencies and plans go wrong. If you’re going to completely refuse to help your daughter with any childcare then just be prepared for her to refuse anything for you. And to end up with a superficial relationship.

Families help each other.

Is it all of next week or just Monday and Tuesday?

I think op it's your choice ultimately what you want to do. You haven't really given us any context to go on as to why you don't want to provide any childcare so I'm trying not to judge. But I know that my son benefits a lot from a positive and regular relationship with his grandparents as do all children. And as a lone parent I also know I wouldn't be able to sustain employment if my parents weren't willing to step in on the days nursery is closed or ds is sick. I obviously do as much as I can with annual leave and flexi time or working from home but it doesn't cover everything. My grandparents did this for my parents and I fully intend on doing this for ds if he ever has kids. It takes a village to raise children and more parents are struggling now because that village is getting much smaller.

What's your rationale behind your decision and what are your dds circumstances like? Is the child's father/other parent involved? The other set of grandparents? How often do you see your dgc?

I spent half my childhood with my grandparents and out of all the grandchildren, I’m the only one who took the time as an adult to visit them.
I learned things from them that my parents couldn’t teach me - or maybe that I refused to learn. I loved them so much. ❤️
But it broke my heart when they asked me to tell them what my siblings and cousins were doing.

Sounds like you’re headed down this road, @AyiaNanna— I don’t recommend it.