Being fat stopping me from being happy

[SunFunGin48392]

I'm so so so unreasonable but I this is too stupid to say in real life and yet incredibly massive for me. I have a nearly 2 year old DS. I went back to work at 6 month post partum, I'm successful career wise, make good money. DS is thriving. I have a nice house. DH is not the best at doing his share but not the worst. I should be enjoying life and I can’t. All I can think of is how much weight I have put on since I went back to work. I've gone from a size 8 (I lost the baby weight after I had the baby) to a size 14. I have no photos with DS in the last 6 months as I look awful and it's so sad. I'm on the taller size (5'7") so I just look enormous. My skin is awful too.

I'm also extremely sleep deprived. DS still wakes once a night, and more if he is sick. I've made various attempts at diet and exercise but they go out the window when DS gets sick and starts waking 4 times a night.

I work 50 hours a week so there is very, very, very little time to exercise. It can only happen if DS sleeps and my day goes as scheduled.

This Easter weekend I'm so exhausted, I can barely get up from the sofa. I do have some health issues made worse by lack of exercise and being fat so that's not helping.

I feel worthless and completely unlovable.

I haven't seen friends for months and I've backed out of plans with friends tonight for the same reason. I just don't want to be seen by anyone.

Anyone else feel the same and managed to change?

Name changed for this as I know how fucking stupid and embarrassing I am.

Oh boy, OP. I think that this time in one's life is sooo hard. Looking back over the years at periods of bereavement, tough diagnoses, infidelity, redundancy -I was never more desperate than when DC were babies / toddlers and didn't sleep well, like I lived my life with my skin peeled off; everything hurt and there was zero rest or peace. I absolutely get your exhaustion. I used to fantasise about the national roll-out of a service to relieve sleep-deprived mothers, and felt so invisible, limping along with this secret impairment, trying to keep up.

I too work similar hours, in a pastry-rich environment, and am tied to my workplace with no chance of WFH (you're not a teacher, are you?). It would take immense willpower to resist the sugary offerings in the addled state which years of sleep deprivation puts one in.

And the male partner who ought to do more but, even after all the discussions and arguments, can't be persuaded? I used to find it so disheartening when people said "Well, he just has to do his share," / "Just go out and leave him with the baby," / "He'll figure it out," / He'll have to figure it out,". Because, at the time, if there was anything I could have said or done which would have indicated that this was a realistic possibility, I would have done it already. Comments suggesting I should "just" made things feel ten times worse; as if I was stupid for not having done x or thought of y already as well as exhausted beyond measure.

A previous poster suggested a walking pad -that's a great idea. People say that weightloss is mainly diet and that you have to work out a lot to see a difference, but I'm sure people's metabolisms are different. I can restrict all I want, but unless I also throw in some exercise in order to get my metabolic engines running, absolutely nothing happens. With an opportunity to walk at pace and incline in your own home when your DC is asleep or otherwise occupied, even for just short periods here and there, you give yourself the gift of moderate exercise without leaving the house. My walking pad is the safety valve which keeps me on a healthy trajectory now. My DC are older and sleep isn't an issue because of them anymore, but I work late in the evenings and at the weekends so finding time for exercise can still be hard term-time (I work out religiously in the holidays now).

You'll emerge from this time at some point down the line and change will be easier to bring about, but until then, please be kind to yourself. You're in the crucible of parenthood, going through a tremendous rite of passage which is likely to change how you perceive the world, and your place in it. Make it count: this is the time for the inner work, the tempering of your empathy, compassion and courage (starting with yourself), and, once through the furnace and out the other end (when your DC fiiiiiinally sleeps better), you'll have the energy for the outer work you want to do. One foot in front of the other, OP. You've got this.

One thing at a time. Low ferritin will make you feel exhausted and lacklustre whatever size you are. Address that first, either give the supplement a PP recommended or get a private iron infusion.
After that I'd review work - 50hrs pw is just too much.
Focus on these before your weight.

Sending love OP, been there.

You running on an empty tank, no wonder you reach for sugar. There are various solutions to this, but the neatest involves DH being less shit and taking some nights/the toddler out to a weekend morning class so you can bank some sleep.

The other things I’d suggest aren’t earth-shattering - find and make a tiny change each week or two. Fill a litre bottle with water and drink it all during the day. Buy more veg than you usually do and make that a bigger proportion of what’s on your dinner plate. Book a haircut.

I was 89kg this time last year. I’m now 65kg. Filed for divorce in Feb, so that’ll be another 11 stone gone by the end of this year!

Has your son been checked for ear infections/blue ear/enlarged adenoids? These can make them wake inconsolable from the pain or sensation of it when lying down, would also get worse if they have a minor illness/sniffle.

Op, if you’re a size 14 it’s possible your bmi is 27 already, but if not some pharmacies prescribe weight loss injections on a 25.

ignore those trying to stop others using them, it’s the oddest thing. If you want to lose the weight and it’s significantly impacting your mood being heavier, and your life, then I’d thoroughly recommend if you can afford.

i have been on for two years, maintaning the last year or so on a low maintenance dose, I’ve never felt or looked so good.and have so much energy, I workout 6 days a week and have a clean and healthy diet. All my blood test results smack bang in the middle of healthy.

fhe only caveat here is a size 6-8 at 5ft 7 is very thin. I’m half an inch shorter and an 8, I know if I was a six I’d be under weight. So if you previously had an eating disorder, and mentally you have always had issues round weight then I’d steer clear of them.

Dress sizes vary wildly and aren't a reliable measure of someone's weight. If OP is a size 14 in elasticated M and S trousers she likely weighs more than someone who's a size 14 in Primark skinnies, even as a fairly tall woman. We just don't have enough information to ascertain whether OP would be eligible for WLIs or not. The comment about not doing anything nutritionally was stupid though, we know that much.

And OP, I get it. A lot of parents of young DC go through a stage where exhaustion makes them replace sleep with sugar. It's hard!

Pour the Gin and the Tonic down the sink. Easy to get rid of that temptation. That's 100-250 calories a day off the balance sheet.

Resisting sugar at work when you're sleep deprived is much harder. Take a ton of fruit in?

Can you go for a walk at lunchtime at work? That's a bit of movement, plus you won't be eating pastries while you're walking.

Good luck.

Sorry you are feeling low and sounds like you have a lot on your plate. How much do you actually weigh? Do you know your BMI? Diet is the key here, followed by exercise, start with small changes. More protein rich foods would help too. Ultimately your unhappy marriage, long working hours an sleepless nights need to change too.

In terms of the iron OP, you mention eating meat for every meal. You probably know this, but are you making sure it's the most iron rich types, and choosing the most iron rich veg too? Really going for it with the diet, apricots to snack on and the like? I have had low iron myself so I know it's bloody rough.

I think you’re feeling fat because you’re not normally a 14 you’re an 8. I’m an 8 and would be devastated to expand to a 14.

you work 50 hours that’s a helluva lot. Any chance you can reduce?

A lady who is a size 14 & not long since given birth does not need WLI

nor should it be suggested or encouraged.

way to go trying to knock her confidence further.

we don’t have to subscribe to the Size 6-8 is the only way to be beautiful brigade

Have you tried spatone? It’s natural spring water from a well in Wales with high iron content in it naturally. They sell it in every supermarket and on Amazon. Plonk it in some orange juice and down it. It’s about the only thing I can tolerate for iron.

I work 50+ hours a week but it’s my own business but I hate to say it’s only since my kids left home that I manage to really exercise daily. When they were younger we had dogs and I walked them religiously but when I worked and commuted I got up at 5am to walk them before work. It was a miserable period to be honest. In a job that very few enjoyed. And I put on weight doing it partly because of the office snack culture, extreme stress and chronic fatigue.

Oh you poor thing, I hear you. Your hours are so demanding, it’s no wonder you feel like you do.

When I was in my early 20s, I quickly went from a slim size 8/10 to a size 14 due to getting trapped in a dieting / binging cycle. It’s hard to understand if you haven’t been through it but food can be so much more than nourishment - it’s comfort, a reward, a pick-me-up if you feel low, but also something that can make you feel deeply ashamed.

Because I’d always been slim, I felt awful when I saw myself in the mirror or photos, and I just wanted to withdraw. When I felt depressed about the weight I’d put on, I’d comfort eat to make myself feel better - even if I wasn’t hungry, there was a temporary release in eating a big bar of chocolate or whatever, and then I’d immediately feel disgusted with myself - and so it went on.

I eventually got out of that cycle. The first few days of eating healthily and not binge eating felt like hell - but once I’d pushed through that, I started to take a real pleasure in knowing I was eating well.

I appreciate the demands of your job and sleep deprivation are making this really hard, but if you start to eat well you’ll probably start to sleep better - and just feel less sluggish. And once you start to lose weight and feel more like yourself, sugary food will lose its power - it will no longer be that thing taunting you from the sidelines and making you feel like a failure when you give in. It will just be another food that you have occasionally (like you used to before you got trapped in this cycle of comfort eating) - and of course, it’s fine in moderation.

I can’t tell whether you’re being sarcastic, or you mean this.

Can you get a private injection/infusion?

dr is probably right its not quite low enough for injection.

whats the situation with the 50hrs working are you self employed? Or are you employed and working more hours than you are meant to, to try and keep up?

you need to scale work back a little bit. Someone suggested a lunchtime walk, the sun will help with the vit D. But if you are desk based getting up every hr & just having a walk about, stretches for five mins will benefit you.

so many threads this weekend of ladies feeling fat, unattractive and worthless. You aren’t worthless, you carried, gave birth & are raising a little baby, thats hard work even with a fully capable husband.

You hold down a demanding job & run your house.

lot of people there who could not do without you.

again you had a baby, your body changes, you are so busy & just trying to get through life. Can hubby look after the toddler for an afternoon on one of your days off & you go off and have some much needed r&r, drinks with the girls, shopping, a pamper aeasion, whatever floats your boat.

you need to give your mind & your body a break. Things will get easier once the toddler is sleeping through the night

I don’t get why people keep telling you that a size 14 isn’t big. If you’re usually a size 8, of course you’re going to feel much bigger. I went from a size 8 to a 10 during pregnancy, and I felt massive.

If you’re working that much, the main thing you can realistically change is your diet. Maybe look into options like Green Shef, MindefulShef or Riverford boxes.

Try to avoid processed foods and constant snacking. It might also be worth reading about fasting—I don’t eat after 5:40pm until 9am, and it works really well for me. I work long hours and have two young kids, so I understand how hard it can be. Sticking to three meals a day (or even two, if that suits you better) can make a big difference.

When you buy food, make sure you read the labels. I never buy anything that contains ingredients I wouldn’t normally have in my pantry.

If you work at a desk, I know it’s hard not to snack, so the best thing you can do is remove temptation. Get rid of junk food at home—your kids don’t need it, and if your husband wants it, ask him to keep it out of sight.

I'm sure your stage of life / parenthood and lack of DH support aren't uncommon or helping you, but you can make small changes that might start to make you feel a bit more in control without losing out on the much-needed treats.

Start with no alcohol on a night before work (so stick to fri/sat), you could always have a tonic & ice on a week night. Choose your snacks wisely & have easy but healthy foods as well. There's cake with 250cals and cake with 1000 cals! Choose the former. I make a moorish, fudge banana cake with defrosted frozen bananas so it needs very little fat and half the amount of sugar the recipe states (the frozen bananas are sweeter). Plus I replace some flour with vanilla protein powder and milled flax seeds - you would never know). It slices & freezes really well. I also have all my cake with low fat Greek yoghurt too.

Bulk cook jackets & freeze. Have with tuna, cottage cheese & salad or baked beans. On repeat if necessary.

But still have a rich tea biscuit or piece of dark chocolate after. Then if you have another biscuit or piece of choc (or even a third) it's still not too bad. And if you can do any quick exercise whilst boiling the kettle etc or combine it with little one eg. sit ups then every little helps.

You’re the same height as me and I could and would never be able to be a size 8, that is absolutely tiny at our height so you must have been extremely slim before. A size 14 at our height definitely isn’t fat. I’m wondering if you might have body dysmorphia in truth.

Im so sorry you are in this position. I really feel for you. I feel the starting point is your lack of sleep. Nobody can even think straight on no sleep. Ok, so your DH won’t step up. Could you sleep at your mums or she stop with you to do wake ups at the weekend for a few weeks? Could you go to a hotel overnight on a Friday night to get a lie in for a few weeks to force childcare on your DH? Could you take 2 weeks holiday annd sleep whilst your son is in daycare? Any solution you can think of to get some sleep. Just until you have enough sleep to be able to think. Then I’d suggest seeing what you can do to buy in help to create some time in your life for self care and drop the weight - most of it in the form of that useless lump of husband.

Hello. I remember feeling in a similar way after my second baby. I put on weight after as due to my working hours plus managing two small children my diet was awful: lots of snacks and chocolate to keep my energy levels up. Someone mentioned avoiding WLI but actually I found them amazing as they stopped the sugar cravings and I am eating much more healthily then I was. I still eat but don’t binge or gets takeaway etc. I haven’t lost any hair either.

it took me till my youngest was 4 to start to turn things around. Before 4 I don’t think I could have managed.

Oh do get over yourself. She’s deeply unhappy with her weight and as long as no eating disorders and she can afford there Is absolutely no reason she couldn’t take weight loss injections.

seriously take some time to give some thought to why you struggle with the fact these meds exist. Is is jealousy, resentment, ignorance of them? Not for this thread, no one cares, it’s for you to know and deal with.

for this thread they are an excellent suggestion .

Would a calorie counting app work? Help you to see what you are eating, I found it really helpful.

Look into Creatine as a supplement to help with sleep deprivation. There are studies that show it can compensate for hours of lost sleep. It could really help you when you’re feeling shattered and reaching for the biscuits. Plus don’t rule out WLI (although not sure your BMI would be high enough at 5,7 and a size 14).

I want to share some empathy and solidarity. I have a 2 year old too; I also went back to work in a stressful job quite quickly afterwards and lost a lot of weight quickly post-partem too (I was getting married so had this as an incentive). Post-wedding I put loads on and became by far the largest I've ever been in my life. Exhausted, living off sugar highs, could only exercise by sacrificing even more of the little sleep and rest I already had. I felt so ashamed that I too avoided photographs and friends. And all of that was in a situation where, by the sounds of it, I have it a lot easier than you (my DH does do a lot, and my DD has been a decent sleeper for a while). In your shoes I would have struggled even more.

About 3 months ago I decided to take charge of it. I've now lost a good amount of weight and have found a diet that seems to work for me and to feel sustainable. Still a lot larger than I'd like and a good way to go but I do feel a lot better. I think what I found helpful was:

• self-compassion. I had to stop beating myself up about weight to lose any. For example I accepted that I'm not going to have the perfect diet, that I would crave sugar when exhausted, and that I'd need to accept some of that even if it isn't the healthiest. If I ate too much one day, I'd try to see the next day as a fresh chance, whilst previously I'd take it as evidence of more failure.
• I made a few swaps as practical cheats, eg started to drink diet fizzy drinks in the day to replace previous habits of scoffing calorific snacks; brought leftovers to work instead of buying sandwiches (or when I had no decent leftovers, would even fork out for a chunk of pre-cooked salmon or something from the supermarket). Not the best habits at all but it eased my path a bit.
• I joined Slimming World and prioritised attending weekly meetings at all costs. Not for everyone, and I don't always stick to the plan perfectly, but the accountability, the community and the sense of investing in myself has been really helpful (and damn some inspiring women go to those groups).
• I gave myself a modest clothes budget and bought myself some things on ebay / vinted that fitted my current size and helped me to feel a bit more confident. Have done the same again when I first went down a size. It was difficult to do because it just seems like a waste of money to buy clothes you hope not to fit into for long, but I reasoned that refusing to invest in myself was contributing to me feeling shit. I will try to sell too-large clothes on in future if I sustain my weight-loss and at a time when I have more energy.

Most importantly of all, I think, is clarifying your own motivation to do it. You say the weight is making you unhappy, and sure, it isn't surprising that putting on weight and not feeling as physically confident does impact on happiness. But losing weight does not in itself make a person happy. Nor does gaining weight automatically equate to misery. I think we sometimes try to use over-thinking food and weight as a substitute for other things (as a method of coping with painful emotions; as a form of self-punishment; as a way of giving us a sense of control; as a barometer of worth, etc). Being honest about what these things mean to you, and about what a slimmer body both can and cannot give you, is perhaps important. If for example you are not happy in your marriage or with other elements of your life, losing weight won't help with that much (although anything that gives you more energy and confidence might help you to make changes in other parts of your life).