AIBU to feel hurt by in-laws' gifts and comments?

[NewHere1701]

Hey everyone! I would like other people's opinion on whether I'm being unreasonable or ungrateful as my husband and I totally disagree and this argument seems to crop up time & again...

So my husband and I have been together since 2019. For my birthdays in 2020, 2021, 2022 and 2023, I never received a birthday card or present from my in-laws. My parents buy my husband but they never bought me, whatever, I never really brought it up, but it's just came up again in an argument recently hence why I'm asking for other people's opinions. In 2024, they came up to our house with a big gift bag and tissue paper stuffed on the top and I thought oh my goodness, I must be getting a present this year 😂 how wrong was i... it was a magazine, a Home & Garden magazine, both of which I'm not interested in. When they left, my husband and I had a massive argument. I said I couldn't believe they brought up a magazine as they're so well-to-do. To me, it was thoughtless & actually cruel to have me open it. Their home is worth approx £500,000 and they own a 2nd property which they rent out. They also own 5 vehicles, including a motor home. My husband said the magazine was a token to acknowledge my birthday and I should be grateful. Am I being unreasonable? We buy them both presents for their birthdays but they only buy my husband (their son) a nice gift back. For my birthdays in 2025 and 2026, I received flowers (bunch from the supermarket). I'm not expecting gifts like he receives, just something a bit more thoughtful than a magazine.

Another part in our argument was when I mentioned what his mum had said to me after I recently had my 3rd child. I was 1 day postpartum and she said, "You'll have to go again for a boy". I have 3 girls who I love and I was like wtf, who says that to someone. When she left, i cried and cried. Again, my husband said it was my hormones and me over-reacting & his mum wasn't being malicious but 6 months later, I still think it was an ignorant comment to make. What do you think, am I over-reacting?

Thanks for any replies in advance!!

I don't get birthday presents from my in-laws, has never occurred to me I would. I also don't involve myself in buying them presents. I think once you're an adult its just not a thing really to expect presents from the extended family.

I don't think you're overreacting. The gift giving (or lack of) is mean and the comment was crass. Do they buy for you at Christmas? In some families I know Christmas is all out but birthdays are pretty low key. Either way I'd leave it up to DH to sort his family presents going forward.

Their income and financial situation is totally irrelevant...just because they have money, doesn't mean they should be expected to buy gifts.

It sounds like they just aren't really present -giving people, apart for their immediate offspring. Some people aren't and in all honesty, I have said to all extended family recently lets stop buying presents as often its a bit of a waste. Would prefer to meet up and spend time together

And for the past couple of years, something has obviously been said to them which is why they are now buying you flowers

The baby gender comment? Very ill thought of but I'd let it go if they are otherwise decent inlaws (gifts issue aside) I had similar comments from a few people when my second baby was same sex as my first, I chose to ignore it and think how lucky I am to have my 2 amazing children.

I would just let your husband deal with getting them gifts, he can sort out his family and you sort out yours. The magazine in the tissue paper admittedly sounds thoughtless, maybe it was a joke that missed the mark. With the baby comment I would just ignore it, again maybe they meant it as a joke that backfired.

They are truly horrible people, and your dh either can't see it, or doesn't care. I'm really sorry. Maybe keep as much distance as possible and unfortunately you'll need to vent about them to friends rather than dh.

Don't doubt your emotions or second guess what is decent in-law behaviour.

Ah don’t let them bring you down. Buy magazines for every PIL and DH birthday from now on. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. None of them will be able to say anything.

I don’t think any grown person should cry or argue over birthday gifts. That said, a magazine is next level passive aggression: is your house in need of some TLC? Was she hinting?

The comment about going for a bit is completely unacceptable. You maybe did overreact because of hormones but you’re allowed to, what with just having given birth. And regardless, even 5 years down the line, that will still be a completely tasteless, impolite, unnecessary, intrusive, mean thing to say.

Your in laws aren’t who you appear to think they are. They are treating you as an interloper into their family, not on an equal footing to your so. You might like to do the same, given how they intrude rudely into your family of 5. (More maturely, just leave them to your DH and have zero expectations of them. They’ll meet them.)

Maybe they never expected to buy presents for their in-laws as they never got them themselves. My parents fo sometimes buy for DH if they are seeing him around his birthday, same for SIL I think. It's not necessarily a standard expectation.

I don't consider any presents from me to my parents to be from DH. They're not not from him either but it's not a one to one relationship whereby if we've bought my mum a birthday present she would buy him one to even it up.

They are a pair of unfeeling cunty fuckers. I am a MIL, of course I buy DIL presents, as any functional human would. I enjoy doing it.

I think for any present you receive as an adult, is so lovely. As an adult, does anyone actually need a present? Does anyone need another adult to actually go out and spend money on them? Sure it’s absolutely lovely 💐 but it’s not a given. We’re all grown ups, we’re all entitled to spend our money how and where we want to, regardless of how much our house is worth or what our income is.

I do buy presents but I say they’re only token presents. Sure for my adult children, their partners and my grandchildren, I give money or presents …but anyone else, I think a card with some flowers or chocolates is enough. And that’s only if I see them. I wouldn’t go out my way to give another adult a present. I’ve acknowledged birthdays at work with chocolates, I’ve been invited to parties where I absolutely would not go empty handed. But really as an adult myself, I don’t expect anyone to buy me a present, I’d rather they keep their money to spend on themselves!! And I shall do the same!!!

I think in terms of family etiquette, it’s a shame you don’t get a present. I treat my DILs just as I treat my sons. I would be embarrassed to be any different. My MIL was exactly the same. But maybe your in laws just don’t have that kind of etiquette or they’ve never experienced it. I like to think I treat all my kids the same, in laws or not, and I took that from my own brilliant MIL. Maybe yours just isn’t like that and if that’s the case, I don’t think you can do much about it. She’s obviously tried to give you a token recognition of your birthday in magazines, but ok , she got that wrong, but really do you want her to buy you a present just because you’re rowing with your husband over it? Personally I’d spend my own money and buy something I’d actually like, just to myself, from myself 😎

I think you need to let it go. She’s obviously not a huge present giver and I think it’s just not in her remit.

The comment, I dunno. You’ve just a baby, everything is magnified, equally it’s not something you’d say to a new mum. I have all boys and it’s my dream team, if only I had a pound for everyone who said I should be trying for a girl. I’m not, I wasn’t and didn’t really care, so the comments didn’t bother me. Sure I wouldn’t say it someone …but equally I wouldn’t be hanging into a comment years or months later

Are you sure the magazine didn’t come with a monthly subscription? That would have been thoughtful, otherwise they would have best to ignore your birthday once again.

The comment 1 day postpartum, I probably would have answered them ‘well obviously! 🙄 If we want a boy we will!’.

Take them with a pinch of salt, water off a ducks back! They won’t change, but train yourself not to give a sh*t and leave your DH to pander to their needs (as they age these will increase) and deal with birthdays / Christmas gifts and wishes. Enjoy the freedom that comes with this.

My ils didn't give a shit about me. Simply a baby vessel.
After 6 dgs's mil announced they would be coming to see our dd with my gift.
Genuinely shocked..
Genuinely disappointed it was a Tefal frying pan..
Does that make me grabby?
I was gutted.
They used to buy stuff for ds 1 and ds2 but not ds 3. They expected a dgd then and didn't get one.
Divorce brought me added joy I didn't see them anymore..

Make it clear from now on their presents don’t come from the joint account or you and make it clear don’t sign it. Err I have given you thoughtful presents nearly 8 years in a row and you never got me a present back so I’m just assuming from now on that what you want.

Your husband is an ignorant twat for not challenging her on the girl comment and perhaps if he wouldn’t you can now and just say just so you know when I had just given birth to Josie your comment and pressure to go again for a boy made me feel shit. It made me feel you didn’t want Josie and I was just a brood mare and a boy was the thing that was important. I was upset then and I’m still upset now and it’s not my hormones. I’m not a brood mare,

Grow a backbone.

It wouldn't bother me if in-laws were not gift givers, but I wouldn't give them anything, so just stop doing that. Their present can be from just your husband from now on.

The comment about going again for a boy ... Depends how they said it. Loads and loads of people said this to me after DC2, but always just as something to say, or as a (rubbish) joke. It's not great, but just shrug and move on. BUT if they are raging misogynists who think girls are inferior, and that's why they want a grandson, that's wholly unacceptable.

Am I the only one that would have actually liked that present.

I can’t recall every getting a gift from my in-laws, it didn’t even cross my mind they should, are you maybe short of money or unable to spend on yourself, and so getting gifts are important to you, so so important it causes arguments if you don’t get them?

On saying that, I’ve just started buying for my daughter’s partner as they are moving in together, but I know lots don’t. Amd as said. Mine didn’t for me, and I had to think about it, as it never crossed my mind they should.

Another part in our argument was when I mentioned what his mum had said to me after I recently had my 3rd child. I was 1 day postpartum and she said, "You'll have to go again for a boy". I have 3 girls who I love and I was like wtf, who says that to someone. When she left, i cried and cried

I find this quite extreme and much depends on how it was said. But I would also have assumed hormones as I can’t Imagine sobbing and sobbing over it. And I’m not particularly insensitve.

do you maybe care a lot about your in-laws opinion of you and that’s what caused it? I’m struggling to comprehend the very high level of importance you pay to them,

The comment about trying for another baby was insensitive. But I'm not getting For my birthdays in 2025 and 2026, I received flowers with not having gifts. Flowers are a gift, no? I've had flowers from my inlaws on birthdays and have been really grateful and happy with them.

I would have liked it too!

My inlaws didn't buy me birthday gifts and I can't say it bothered me. I had a reasonably good relationship with them but not close. My parents always bought for my husband, because they love him and we are a close family.

I think you should let your husband sort their gifts from himself from now on and just don't expect anything from Inlaws. It's certainly not worth getting upset about. As for your MILs comment, I wouldn't have been upset about that either - I have 5 boys and have often had comments such as 'do you keep trying for a girl?' (No) or 'what a shame you didn't have a girl this time' (I'm very happy with my 5 boys!) I think the comments aren't meant maliciously, it's just a lighthearted thing people say.

I think they are horrid. I buy my sil nice gifts. Not to the same value as my DD but still nice gifts. For Xmas I often give them a joint gift or money to buy a weekend break away.

I like this idea. Give them a TV Times. 😁

Don't let it annoy you. Its a reflection on them. Of course people might say you are not entitled to a present but, come on, this is very unkind.

Treat it as a pass to go low effort or, even better, no effort with them.

I agree with this. Sorry OP feels hurt, but in future perhaps just let your husband give and receive gifts with his family.

You have been together since 2019, for the first few years when you were dating you didn’t get anything, in 2024 you got a magazine, in 2025 you got flowers, and in 2026 you go flowers, is that right ?

Did they start giving you gifts after you got married ? I know I didn’t buy for GF or BF of relations, but get things once they are married.

As far as the sex of the baby, had you expressed you wanted a boy, or had your husband? Have you had 3 children since 2019 … I think I would feel sensitive with 3 little ones.

I dont think this is worth arguing with your DH over. Its not his fault. Also this is just two incidences where they have been a bit thoughtless. They aren't your parents so if they are generally ok I'd look past the presents as a bit of an eccentricity. They might just not be present people.