AIBU to feel hurt by in-laws' gifts and comments?

[NewHere1701]

Hey everyone! I would like other people's opinion on whether I'm being unreasonable or ungrateful as my husband and I totally disagree and this argument seems to crop up time & again...

So my husband and I have been together since 2019. For my birthdays in 2020, 2021, 2022 and 2023, I never received a birthday card or present from my in-laws. My parents buy my husband but they never bought me, whatever, I never really brought it up, but it's just came up again in an argument recently hence why I'm asking for other people's opinions. In 2024, they came up to our house with a big gift bag and tissue paper stuffed on the top and I thought oh my goodness, I must be getting a present this year 😂 how wrong was i... it was a magazine, a Home & Garden magazine, both of which I'm not interested in. When they left, my husband and I had a massive argument. I said I couldn't believe they brought up a magazine as they're so well-to-do. To me, it was thoughtless & actually cruel to have me open it. Their home is worth approx £500,000 and they own a 2nd property which they rent out. They also own 5 vehicles, including a motor home. My husband said the magazine was a token to acknowledge my birthday and I should be grateful. Am I being unreasonable? We buy them both presents for their birthdays but they only buy my husband (their son) a nice gift back. For my birthdays in 2025 and 2026, I received flowers (bunch from the supermarket). I'm not expecting gifts like he receives, just something a bit more thoughtful than a magazine.

Another part in our argument was when I mentioned what his mum had said to me after I recently had my 3rd child. I was 1 day postpartum and she said, "You'll have to go again for a boy". I have 3 girls who I love and I was like wtf, who says that to someone. When she left, i cried and cried. Again, my husband said it was my hormones and me over-reacting & his mum wasn't being malicious but 6 months later, I still think it was an ignorant comment to make. What do you think, am I over-reacting?

Thanks for any replies in advance!!

You just have to remember that some people are just nasty with no awareness beyond themselves.

Yes, you only buy them a magazine from now on, either that or divorce.

The gender comment was stupid, but it W sounds like they’re just not gift giving people outside of immediate family. I don’t buy for my in laws and they don’t buy for us. My family do though.

They don't sound very pleasant but I'd try not to let it bother me. Don't buy them any more Christmas or birthday gifts. That's up to your husband. Don't facilitate anything or do any "wife work" for them (don't remind dh about birthdays or invite to any school events, don't tell the kids to make arts/crafts for them or video chat, don't forward kids photos to them - its all on your husband now to make all the effort with them).

Make plans for yourself for when dh and kids visit or when they visit your house and enjoy some time to yourself. Grey rock them if they ask about it.

Just care less

They are very rude people. I would make zero effort with them in your shoes, it will be interesting to see if your husband will remember to buy their birthday presents, Christmas presents etc. With their rude comments going forward then l will challenge, who says that to a woman the day after having a baby?! As is often the case though you have a husband problem

If you're going to buy presents/cards for your adult son then you don't ignore his wife. A married couple are a unit and should be recognised as such. Leaving one of them out is sending a deliberate message. It isn't a normal thing to do and unless the arrangement is somehow mutually understood, then it's obviously driven by spite or disapproval.

I think the only reason to complain is if your husband has a sibling and their partner gets and you don't. It's definitely not your husband's fault, and if you make him say something, it will be awkward, and you may get a present, but it won't come with love, and you'll resent it anyway. No win situation, get over it.

I voted YABU as I really couldn’t give a toss what my in laws do. So they don’t get you a present, big deal. Just let DH buy presents for them and don’t give it a second thought. And I hope you’re not arguing about his parents. You and DH should be a team, just ignore the outside noise.

Stop engaging with it - don’t buy gifts, don’t expect gifts, don’t facilitate contact, drop the rope. Be busy, be unavailable and free from it.

How selfish…. I’m a MiL and buy DiL presents… in fact Christmas I spent more on her than my Son… he did get extra for his birthday though and I did explain why he got more…

My in-laws don’t get me birthday gifts. Actually none of our parents get us birthday gifts, we all focus on the kids. I’d let that go. Your husband can sort out whatever he wants to do for them and just stay out of it.

That’s a terrible thing to say about a baby, you are right there.

They sound awful, OP.
In future I would not buy them anything, and I’d also steer clear of them as much as possible. The rude magazine gift was such an insult. But the comment about your daughters is absolutely vile. I’d be low contact with them for sure.
Tbh your husband sounds really bad as well.

Joy comes in many forms not just birthdays

Comments like those are so hurtful and your DH is dim if he cannot see it.

They sound cold and self centred and not buying you a simple birthday gift is crap.
We had similar with PILs not bothering with our lovely youngest (never gave a reason, they just took little to no interest in any of them until they passed exams etc.. and became something to boast about.. before that, they assumed they were not as intelligent as the favourite GCs

I would leave all the gift/card/xmas buying and organising/facilitating family meet ups entirely up to DH again after the homes and Gardens episode.. Were they trying to make a point about your house?

Why are you expecting anything from them at all? Their finances are not relevant.

Perhaps stop gifting them anything as you only seem to be gifting with the hope of receiving and they havnt done that as you liked. Leave it to your DH deal with their gifts.

Ignore their comments too. Why give them the satisfaction of getting upset over it.

Return their energy and adjust your expectations. Either stop buying them gifts completely or get cheap tat from a charity shop or junk store.

Why are you having a go at your husband for it? It’s not his fault, so for that, YABVU.

Yanbu to be upset about their attitude towards you, Yabu to go on about their financial situation as if it has any relevance.

They are very mean. Since DH and I met and married over 40 years ago both mine and his parents treated us equally. We give our SIL exactly the same amount moneywise as we do our DD and the grandchildren for birthdays and Christmas. We probably give the grandchildren more over the year as we buy them shoes and clothes as this helps DD and SIL financially. We enjoy doing this and DD and SIL have never asked for anything from us. I’d steer clear of them for a bit.

The comment was horrible.

a Home & Garden magazine, both of which I'm not interested in

This is a funny line.

Think it depends on the family, my DM and SD and my DD and SM always buy my DH a birthday and xmas gift, so do my granparents, just a voucher or an aftershave sometimes, big birthdays they get him something more expensive and significant, his family also get me gifts, siblings also.

Perhaps his family just aren’t like that?

It’s weird, isn’t it? Some families welcome spouse into their family and treat them as one of their own. My in laws are like this in every way, gifts, affection, interest in my life. And they treat me with extra love and respect as the one who bears their grandchildren and nieces and nephews.
Other families seem to treat spouse as some vague acquaintance, unfortunately you’ve married into one of these OP. So the present thing is disappointing but not a big deal. However, the comment about a boy is awful and you should give this more weight than the crap birthday gifts. Is your MIL ever makes a comment like that again, you should respond sharply, with something like, u love my three beautiful girls and you should to. I’m not a breeding dog, please don’t ever say that again.

My in laws are very well off, and I don't get birthday presents from them either. I do get Christmas presents and cash though. I've never really given it much thought. Doesn't bother me!

The comment about trying for a boy: horrible. She was basically saying a girl wasn’t good enough, and what a fucking stupid thing to say to a woman who has just given birth.

Your H has no business dismissing that as your hormones being at fault.

Presents? Bonkers to parcel up a magazine like that- if anyone in my family did that it would be because there was a cheque or voucher tucked into a page that featured something you wanted. Sure there was nothing like that?

The baby comment was just rude. It's no reflection on you, just very poor manners on her behalf.

Probably because he finds it easier to play the hormones card rather than consider she might have a point, and obviously he doesn't seem willing or able to challenge his parents.