AIBU to feel hurt by in-laws' gifts and comments?

[NewHere1701]

Hey everyone! I would like other people's opinion on whether I'm being unreasonable or ungrateful as my husband and I totally disagree and this argument seems to crop up time & again...

So my husband and I have been together since 2019. For my birthdays in 2020, 2021, 2022 and 2023, I never received a birthday card or present from my in-laws. My parents buy my husband but they never bought me, whatever, I never really brought it up, but it's just came up again in an argument recently hence why I'm asking for other people's opinions. In 2024, they came up to our house with a big gift bag and tissue paper stuffed on the top and I thought oh my goodness, I must be getting a present this year 😂 how wrong was i... it was a magazine, a Home & Garden magazine, both of which I'm not interested in. When they left, my husband and I had a massive argument. I said I couldn't believe they brought up a magazine as they're so well-to-do. To me, it was thoughtless & actually cruel to have me open it. Their home is worth approx £500,000 and they own a 2nd property which they rent out. They also own 5 vehicles, including a motor home. My husband said the magazine was a token to acknowledge my birthday and I should be grateful. Am I being unreasonable? We buy them both presents for their birthdays but they only buy my husband (their son) a nice gift back. For my birthdays in 2025 and 2026, I received flowers (bunch from the supermarket). I'm not expecting gifts like he receives, just something a bit more thoughtful than a magazine.

Another part in our argument was when I mentioned what his mum had said to me after I recently had my 3rd child. I was 1 day postpartum and she said, "You'll have to go again for a boy". I have 3 girls who I love and I was like wtf, who says that to someone. When she left, i cried and cried. Again, my husband said it was my hormones and me over-reacting & his mum wasn't being malicious but 6 months later, I still think it was an ignorant comment to make. What do you think, am I over-reacting?

Thanks for any replies in advance!!

I'm sorry you suffered. This is a bit twisted of them, and TOXIC behaviour. I'm sorry that you went through this. His mother obviously resents you and you will understand as YOU now are with the little Emperor which is her Boy and she can't stand it and she's going out of her way to dig at you. Some MIL s do this so dont take it personally; there are millions of Wives suffering the same fate. Go out and buy yourself something nice to compensate. Thing is : it's going to get tricky when she's Old and infirm and YOU will be expected to step up and carry her. THATS the only thing which YOU shoukd worry about. If I was you, the next time SHE expect YOU to roll out the red carpet and announces a Royal Visit: DISAPPEAR somewhere, at least then you won't give them.oppprtunity to insult you AND don't ever volunteer to arrange a birthday treat for her !!!!!!

When my DH told his mum I was pregnant the first time, she asked me on the phone if it was his child. We had IVF but ive really never got over that, not over my SIL telling me that MIL told her that my DH was henpecked by me. Almost everything she ever bought me went into charity shops or sold on ebay. Now there isn't much more pretence. When she visits I answer with yes and no answers, and try to avoid handing over any information to her because whatever I say will be used against me somehow. Her 3 sons and son in law can do no wrong, her daughter and daughters in law are just criticised to each other. She isn't my mum, she's not my family, I just need to live my life without reference to her, and then it's fine. I hate that it is like this, but not sure what I can do after 22 years of it.

Hi everyone, thank you so much for all your replies, so many I didn't expect so really appreciate each of you taking the time to read and reply.

To clarify, we do buy his mother and father birthday presents but they only buy him back, usually they spend about £100 and it's all great stuff he uses and loves. A lot of you thought their wealth was irrelevant, I am of a different opinion. I think if they had little to no income, a magazine would have been a good gift and shows they were willing to get me something with the little they have. Again, just my opinion.

The boy comment, I still can't get over it. So long as my kids are healthy, I don't care if it's 3 girls, 3 boys or a mix. Her son is her only boy (she has 2 daughters as well) but he seems to be her boy that can do no wrong.

Just a last point to address which people rightly queried with regard to my husband standing up for me and saying something to his parents. I don't feel it's of any added value to do this, it would just make the situation more awkward. Why we were arguing wasn't because he wasn't saying anything to them; we were arguing as he thought his family were not in the wrong by not buying me a thoughtful gift, he doesn't see it from my perspective. A lot of you thought flowers were a thoughtful gift but they're not for me, I have enough things to keep alive including my 3 children and I lol I can't keep a plant or flowers alive to save my life as I get very little time to do anything other than look after my girls as they're all 4 years old and under.

Thank you so much again for your input, comments and votes!!

STOP buying for them!
Let your DH pick out and buy their presents.. if he asks your opinion tell him if it was down to you they’d get a pot plant or a bunch of flowers from Aldi .. tell him he needs to buy presents from his own account for his family!
Maybe your parents need to reduce what they spend on your DH, tell them to keep their money and buy themselves something !

as for the comment regarding the sex of your child - my Nan is obsessed with boys… She was so pleased when my eldest 2 siblings had boys first .. takes the pressure off what the 2nd baby is according to her… I had a girl after 11 years of difficulties and there was still a comment about ‘hopefully next time you’ll have a boy!… I was thrilled with having a girl and never conceived again…. When my younger bro and his wife were expecting there was a comment about it being a shame it was a girl, but their second was a boy so that was good news…. I think my nan (100 soon) has a reason though… I think after the wars it was expected / hoped that lots of baby boys would be born to replace all that were lost at war… nowadays it’s ’just To carry on the family name’…. However more and more people aren’t getting married and giving their child either a double barrelled name (my older brother did this as they weren’t married) or a few of my friends have given their babies their name so the dads family name isn’t carried forward anyway! I’ve also known male friends to change their surnames to their mothers maiden name after the dad walked out and as soon as they were old enough to change it…. They did! !!
I think next generation will see less marriages and women passing their name to their children anyway!

Anyway I doubt OP is even reading these since she hasn’t bothered to come back and answer questions…

They are oddballs. It wouldn’t hurt them to buy you a lovely gift. Just step back of all responsibility that concerns their involvement.

I no longer buy for my DHs family, as they pissed me off once (we still have a relationship and they don’t know they pissed me off) so my DH has to buy their gifts now and I like asking them, excitedly, what they got when opening it as xyz chose it (my way of letting them know, no effort came from me).

Oh our posts crossed over!
Good you came back to respond!
I’m same as you, not really a flower person.. in fact they aggravate my allergies! We stopped buying big gifts for adults, it gets silly otherwise.

It appears to me that you husband is as insensitive as your in-laws. For their next birthdays, MiL , buy her Take a Break or some thing similar, there are loads out there, FiiL buy him something like Men's Health or Retro Gamer. After that tell DH he is on his own, he can buy them presents. We have never ever disrespecte our kid's partners by treating them as a afterthought.

Some families have an us and them mentality, and it never goes. I do receive presents but my mil doesn't really count me as a family member or of any importance really. It's bloody annoying but I leave all the gift buying etc for them to my husband.
I tried in the past, as I do believe when you marry you take on another family, but if people don't meet you halfway then it's their lookout. I make minimal effort now. Respect yourself xx

Is your DH a good husband and father, is it just the MIL/FIL apparrent meanness or is it just MIL? What are his sisters like towards you? What happens at Xmas do they buy for you or just for DH and your daughters?

How do your parents behave towards your DH, do they treat him any different to you gifts-wise?

As for you having 3 girls, I think she's comparing her mix to your same sex brood - bloody silly woman, does she understand nature & human biology or does she think they're mail order by choice. It would all grate on me too, I never achieved a happy medium with my MIL because my DH was weak & stuck up for mummy 😁

Families are either a blessing or a curse, sometimes they're a bloody nightmare for the sake of it.