AIBU to feel hurt by in-laws' gifts and comments?

[NewHere1701]

Hey everyone! I would like other people's opinion on whether I'm being unreasonable or ungrateful as my husband and I totally disagree and this argument seems to crop up time & again...

So my husband and I have been together since 2019. For my birthdays in 2020, 2021, 2022 and 2023, I never received a birthday card or present from my in-laws. My parents buy my husband but they never bought me, whatever, I never really brought it up, but it's just came up again in an argument recently hence why I'm asking for other people's opinions. In 2024, they came up to our house with a big gift bag and tissue paper stuffed on the top and I thought oh my goodness, I must be getting a present this year 😂 how wrong was i... it was a magazine, a Home & Garden magazine, both of which I'm not interested in. When they left, my husband and I had a massive argument. I said I couldn't believe they brought up a magazine as they're so well-to-do. To me, it was thoughtless & actually cruel to have me open it. Their home is worth approx £500,000 and they own a 2nd property which they rent out. They also own 5 vehicles, including a motor home. My husband said the magazine was a token to acknowledge my birthday and I should be grateful. Am I being unreasonable? We buy them both presents for their birthdays but they only buy my husband (their son) a nice gift back. For my birthdays in 2025 and 2026, I received flowers (bunch from the supermarket). I'm not expecting gifts like he receives, just something a bit more thoughtful than a magazine.

Another part in our argument was when I mentioned what his mum had said to me after I recently had my 3rd child. I was 1 day postpartum and she said, "You'll have to go again for a boy". I have 3 girls who I love and I was like wtf, who says that to someone. When she left, i cried and cried. Again, my husband said it was my hormones and me over-reacting & his mum wasn't being malicious but 6 months later, I still think it was an ignorant comment to make. What do you think, am I over-reacting?

Thanks for any replies in advance!!

I think the magazine is weird but the flowers are ok. It's a token gift but still shows they thinking of you. It may be how their family do gifts. I think it's odd you are fixated on the magazine when it was 2024 and for 2025 and 2026 they have bought you flowers instead. It's also not your DH's fault so not sure why you were mad at him! The comment about trying for a boy was very poor but some people say things without thinking them through based on their own feelings. My ex's mum at his baby's christening said to me 'I thought you would have had a baby by now Scarlett' when DH and I were struggling to conceive. I cried then (not in her presence) but I didn't think she was being malicious; she was just thoughtless and your in-laws sound similar.

“You’ll have to go again for a boy” is a generationally not unusual comment.

You do not have to go again, but you know that. She’s not really instructing you to get pregnant against your own wishes! You can be happy with your 3 girls. As you and your husband (presumably) are not feeling pressured to follow her advice, then ignore this, don’t think about it, it’s of no significance.

As for the gifts, I have never expected anything from my in-laws. My parents love my DH but have never got him a birthday gift.

I can't get over the comment regarding trying again for a boy. I had similar comments from my MIL when I was pregnant about how it had to be a particular gender because she had plenty of the other. Bearing in mind, I'd miscarried and struggled to get pregnant prior to this. I always knew she was a heartless cow, but this just confirmed it.

They sound miserable and tight-fisted to me. They are clearly very well off and don’t even think to get you a small gift as the wife of their son and mother of their grandchildren. I would be irritated too. Your DH definitely gets the pleasure of buying his gifts for them from now on, I wouldn’t have any part in that. Do they buy for your kids? If I was you, I would just go out and treat yourself to something lovely for your birthday instead - not pretending in any way to replace what they didn’t get you but just as a treat for yourself from yourself. Sorry they’re sh*t in-laws.

I’m a MIL and buy gifts/cards for my SIL/DIL. I also receive gifts/cards from my PIL.

Twat behaviour by your in-laws, leave the gift giving up to your Husband from now on. He sounds a bit insensitive and not very supportive.

"Another part in our argument was when I mentioned what his mum had said to me after I recently had my 3rd child. I was 1 day postpartum and she said, "You'll have to go again for a boy". I have 3 girls who I love and I was like wtf, who says that to someone. When she left, i cried and cried. Again, my husband said it was my hormones and me over-reacting & his mum wasn't being malicious"
It's possible she wasn't being malicious, but she was still rude and insensitive and has some internalised misogyny going on (so Doris, I should 'go again' because boys are worth more than girls, eh?). And your husband sounds as if he thinks the sun shines out her backside - I cannot respect Mummy's Boys.

To go a bit biblical - 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you'. Well in that case, I would take their treatment of your birthdays as your template for what they wish you to do for their birthdays. <whistles innocently>

So, stop buying them presents. From now on your husband buys his parents' presents, and the money comes from his account not the joint account. Fuck them all, sideways.

(And in case anyone thinks I'm being anti in-laws here - my MIL has always treated my birthday as of equal consequence to her as her son's birthday. And I spend as much care and thought on her birthday as I did for my own mother.)

💯 behind you sister. Your husband and his family sound like entitled spoilt brats. How have you survived so long?

They sound ghastly. Accept it, just be disinterested in them, and tell your husband, icy calm, without argument or drama, he is totally in charge of remembering their birthdays and Christmas, and choosing, buying, writing, wrapping, labelling and delivering their cards and presents, as you refuse to have anything to do with it. Then stick to it.

Your MIL is a bitch! The magazine was a dig at you, insulting your home, and the boy comment was insanely nasty. Don't let her upset you, treat her as the irrelevant waste of space that she is. Polite, distant and neutral all the way from now on.

Wow I am surprised by this. But then my family is very close and we don't really see ourselves as extended family.

My in-laws never bought me a present, but I’ve never expected one. To be fair I don’t think they gave my husband one unless his birthday had a 0 on the end. We’re just not into it.

The magazine was odd but the flowers (imho ) were a gift, so I think you’re complaining for no reason.

yes the baby comment was thoughtless but I think you’re overthinking it tbh.

this thread shows how families are different though. Some (like me!) wouldn’t be bothered in the slightest while others are highly offended by the lack of a gift!

I don't get presents from my in-laws. I've never really thought much about it. The comment about trying for a boy is a weird thing for them to say but I really can't see why you would be upset about it if you're happy with your girls. I could see someone being upset if they wanted a boy so the comment was thoughtless but not something for you to be in tears about. You've hung on to the issue with the magazines for a long time. I think YABU to get into arguments with your DH about these things, you need to let it go.

Is this sarcasm? The OP doesn't say the husband and IL's are sulking over a lack of/not good enough gifts so I'm not seeing them as the entitled or spoilt ones.

Yes they sound weird and rude but you're putting far too much emotional stock in these people. They don't give you presents. Accept and move on. Id rather receive nothing than a magazine but maybe your husband mentioned to them you had kicked up a fuss so they felt obliged in some way.
My mil occasionally has got me a present but not always. She has enough going on in her life and is a bit weird socially, I really don't care. I don't get her presents, DH does.

They are doing the bare minimum. I suggest you reciprocate.

I can't imagine I'd get involved with buying either of them birthday presents.. They sound a bit miserable

My DS, 17, has been dating his first girlfriend for 2 months, also 17, she’s a sweet girl and I’ve bought her an Easter egg as she’s round ours a fair bit.
I’d hate her to feel left out on Sunday.

@NewHere1701 OP, you’ve pulled the short straw with in-laws I’m afraid. Forget them don’t let it upset you anymore.

My I’ll-laws were absolutely rubbish at providing us the ‘village’ we needed when the kids were young - it was hurtful -, but we’re great at buying us all presents.

The sound horrible.
I’d make sure they get a magazine for their birthdays and christmases going forward

My ILs have always bought me a lovely birthday gift but as DH is an only child they only have us & our DC to buy for. On the other hand I am one of four, all married with DC. My DPs buy everyone Christmas gifts but don't buy for the spouses birthdays unless it’s a big birthday. My DH got a similar gift to me for our 50th birthdays.
Every family is different. I would ensure DH does all the gift buying for them.

No, it absolutely isn’t. I’ve met people like that who think they are doing you a favour by merely existing. I do genuinely wonder how she’s survived so long.

@NewHere1701 some people just don't buy birthday gifts. YABU to expect anything. Flowers are nice.

And as for her baby comment, it sounds like she has a very dry sense of humour so yes, i think you are being over sensitive due to the hormones.

I dont see what the price of their house or how many customers they have is relevant. It makes you sound materialistic.

They are nasty people. Enabled by your h. He’s a coward.

Stop trying with them. Do not buy them gifts. And next time your mil says something about trying for a son, tell her your dds are amazing and doesn’t she think so too?

You’re going to have to stand up for yourself because your h is a wet lettuce. Don’t you be one too. Rather be thought of a a bitch than a drip.

I wouldn't necessarily expect anything from them but i then also wouldn't contribute to their gift either, leave DH to sort it himself.
As for the baby comment, its crappy behaviour and sounds like although she will love baby, she would have liked a boy and will likely say it was in jest when there was actually some truth to it. My in laws behaviour is appalling ... really hope im nicer to my future daughter in law in years to come than so many others are!

I think I would pass out in shock if my mother in law remembered my birthday. My step mother in law literally said oh she remembered but didn’t bother sending a card or text when my husband (after much prompting by me) called her to ask if she had received the card (that I sent her) the following week for her birthday!

remember you married him not his family, just be better to your children’s significant others when the time comes and next generation will have wonderful in laws 😍

Don't buy them gifts. Don't expect gifts.

Just because someone else has money doesn't mean they owe you anything. And if they feel about it in a similar way I do regarding my in-laws, who have always had grand assumptions about what I should or shouldn't share with them, they might be just as resolute that they just won't go down that road as otherwise the assumptions will never stop as you believe they owe you because they are "well to do".