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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel hurt by in-laws' gifts and comments?

184 replies

NewHere1701 · 03/04/2026 14:48

Hey everyone! I would like other people's opinion on whether I'm being unreasonable or ungrateful as my husband and I totally disagree and this argument seems to crop up time & again...

So my husband and I have been together since 2019. For my birthdays in 2020, 2021, 2022 and 2023, I never received a birthday card or present from my in-laws. My parents buy my husband but they never bought me, whatever, I never really brought it up, but it's just came up again in an argument recently hence why I'm asking for other people's opinions. In 2024, they came up to our house with a big gift bag and tissue paper stuffed on the top and I thought oh my goodness, I must be getting a present this year 😂 how wrong was i... it was a magazine, a Home & Garden magazine, both of which I'm not interested in. When they left, my husband and I had a massive argument. I said I couldn't believe they brought up a magazine as they're so well-to-do. To me, it was thoughtless & actually cruel to have me open it. Their home is worth approx £500,000 and they own a 2nd property which they rent out. They also own 5 vehicles, including a motor home. My husband said the magazine was a token to acknowledge my birthday and I should be grateful. Am I being unreasonable? We buy them both presents for their birthdays but they only buy my husband (their son) a nice gift back. For my birthdays in 2025 and 2026, I received flowers (bunch from the supermarket). I'm not expecting gifts like he receives, just something a bit more thoughtful than a magazine.

Another part in our argument was when I mentioned what his mum had said to me after I recently had my 3rd child. I was 1 day postpartum and she said, "You'll have to go again for a boy". I have 3 girls who I love and I was like wtf, who says that to someone. When she left, i cried and cried. Again, my husband said it was my hormones and me over-reacting & his mum wasn't being malicious but 6 months later, I still think it was an ignorant comment to make. What do you think, am I over-reacting?

Thanks for any replies in advance!!

OP posts:
Whatinthedoopla · 04/04/2026 19:22

My motto in life is that no one owes me anything.

If I get a gift, I'm very grateful, and if I don't, I don't.

Cherrysoup · 04/04/2026 19:28

Let your DH deal with their presents, don't get involved.

My student teacher got me a copy of Country Living (he knows I'm moving there soon!) and I can't lie, I was a bit wtf. Never read it imy life, found it incredibly boring.

Marieb19 · 04/04/2026 20:01

Do they buy you Christmas presents? Different people have very different views on present giving but most people would expect them to be equitable or proportionate. You can't change other people's behaviour but you can change how you react to it. This is obviously an issue for you, so i would leave ALL present buying for inlaws to husband and remove yourself from the whole thing and just forget about getting anything from them. Learn to detach and ignore. It's a great self preservation tool.

YorkshireIndie · 04/04/2026 20:39

My PIL do and then do not buy me a present. I actually would prefer they did not. My MIL made a snide comment about my Christmas present - hidden in a box of maltesers which was made to look like it was just that (v clever but now I am in two minds about using the main gift). I normally sell the present my FIL regifts from his partner’s wardrobe (Mumsnet no no but someone always seems to buy it). I normally buy my PIL a present from the children as my husband is crap but I could not be ducked so they went without last year.

the comment after the third is horrible. I would just not bother sorting out gifts for them but I am petty

springtome · 04/04/2026 20:55

My in laws always bought me presents. At first they weren’t the same value as DH but over the years they have become equal.

Our sin has had two girlfriends and I’ve also bought them gifts when he was with them over birthdays/christmas time. We’ve even bought current one an Easter gift (son said she gets loads of chocolate eggs so we go her something else).

Proudofmynane · 04/04/2026 21:11

Does she know that it is the male chromosomes (Xy) that decide the sex of the child?? Women have two female (XX) chromosomes so can only pass on a female one. If your DH's sperm carrying the (y) ie male chromosome can't swim fast enough it's not your fault!! Your DH sounds like an overgrown Mummys Boy who should be standing up for the Mum of his 3 children. Not making excuses for his rude family.

FattyMallow · 04/04/2026 21:22

No need to pay any attention, they're not worth your time or thought. Be polite at all times, maybe try record what MIL says to also observe how you come across? Don't let her jabs change you, they're designed to make you feel uncomfortable.

500k property is well off, I agree, but with the attitude they show it looks like they're a new money type and it'll take centuries for such to evolve and understand the importance of decent (forget noble) behaviour.

Love yourself, don't fight with hubby. 💪🌟

Lurkingandlearning · 04/04/2026 21:35

I know we should be grateful for any gift given. I know adults shouldn’t care much about receiving birthday presents. But who in their right mind wraps up a magazine to give to someone? It’s weird. If things get a bit tight making magazines over budget, will they wrap up a copy of the Daily Mirror?

Judecb · 04/04/2026 21:49

1 never give them a gift again. If DH wants to, he can. #2 bring up the comment with MIL and call her on it!! I'm so tired of hearing about mothers in law bullying the women who have married their sons!!!

Mischance · 04/04/2026 21:51

Nope ... never had gifts from in-laws on any occasion. Happily I do not care!

Hohumitsreallyallthereis · 04/04/2026 23:14

Two completely different situations.

It has never occurred to me that my in laws should buy me birthday or Christmas presents. But I also don’t get involved in their present buying. My parents do my husband a birthday present every year but they would buy presents for the dog if we had one, they love it!

The go for a boy comment was rude.

WeatherChanged · 04/04/2026 23:25

I never got any presents from my in-laws. I’ve always got on with them really well. My MIL has known me for over 40 years and still sings my praises whenever she sees me. I’ve never minded not getting gifts. I’ve not got gifts for them either. They aren’t my parents. I’m also very close to my DILs, I genuinely think they are great. I’m really glad that we don’t do presents.

There is nothing wrong with doing presents if you want but there is nothing wrong with not doing them.

Why are you angry at your husband though? Do you really want him to confront his parents so they feel obliged to buy you presents? How would that work in practice?

The baby comment is thoughtless but unless you know it was malicious I would assume it was ‘just’ a dumb comment. The fact it made you cry and cry suggests there was a lot else going on or some massive backstory.

OneFirmBlueShaker · 04/04/2026 23:32

NewHere1701 · 03/04/2026 14:48

Hey everyone! I would like other people's opinion on whether I'm being unreasonable or ungrateful as my husband and I totally disagree and this argument seems to crop up time & again...

So my husband and I have been together since 2019. For my birthdays in 2020, 2021, 2022 and 2023, I never received a birthday card or present from my in-laws. My parents buy my husband but they never bought me, whatever, I never really brought it up, but it's just came up again in an argument recently hence why I'm asking for other people's opinions. In 2024, they came up to our house with a big gift bag and tissue paper stuffed on the top and I thought oh my goodness, I must be getting a present this year 😂 how wrong was i... it was a magazine, a Home & Garden magazine, both of which I'm not interested in. When they left, my husband and I had a massive argument. I said I couldn't believe they brought up a magazine as they're so well-to-do. To me, it was thoughtless & actually cruel to have me open it. Their home is worth approx £500,000 and they own a 2nd property which they rent out. They also own 5 vehicles, including a motor home. My husband said the magazine was a token to acknowledge my birthday and I should be grateful. Am I being unreasonable? We buy them both presents for their birthdays but they only buy my husband (their son) a nice gift back. For my birthdays in 2025 and 2026, I received flowers (bunch from the supermarket). I'm not expecting gifts like he receives, just something a bit more thoughtful than a magazine.

Another part in our argument was when I mentioned what his mum had said to me after I recently had my 3rd child. I was 1 day postpartum and she said, "You'll have to go again for a boy". I have 3 girls who I love and I was like wtf, who says that to someone. When she left, i cried and cried. Again, my husband said it was my hormones and me over-reacting & his mum wasn't being malicious but 6 months later, I still think it was an ignorant comment to make. What do you think, am I over-reacting?

Thanks for any replies in advance!!

I think once married you should be treated like a unit. I’m not saying the same exact amount you should get as your husband (MIL’s son) but if he gets a gift for his bday you should get at least a little something. I feel the same for Mother’s Day Father’s Day if there are children if husband gets a gift on Father’s Day then you get a gift on Mother’s Day. If he gets a Xmas gift then you should get one. I read a thread I can’t remember if it was on this particular forum or not but it was 4 days after DIL had given birth and her MIL got just her son something for becoming a first time father and the DIL who said 4 days prior pushed a whole human out of her vagina got nothing. It was wild to me how some MIL’s can be so tone deaf not to consider their DILs

OneFirmBlueShaker · 04/04/2026 23:34

ShanghaiDiva · 03/04/2026 15:40

Nobody is entitled to a present, but imo it’s pretty normal to buy a birthday gift for your dil or sil.
only on mumsnet is life so joyless.

Show quote history

I hate the argument well no one is entitled to gifts well duh of course not but it’s mot about being entitled it’s about decency and in close families there are just some social behaviors that are seen as occurring. No one is entitled to anything but of course you want to feel valued and seen and connected to the family and if they give gifts to other family members on their birthdays and none to you simply bc you aren’t blood related then that is going to make you feel like you aren’t truly accepted as one of them. Like you will forever be an outsider looking in

BeAzureRaven · 05/04/2026 00:54

You're totally NOT being unreasonable! They (I say they, but likely it's the mil who is making all the decisions) know what they're doing. They could ask what you'd like, or ask your husband for ideas. Put a little effort into it. I'd quit buying any gifts for the in laws. Let their son do it. My ex mil (she did everything she could to make our marriage miserableand in the end succeeded bc we divorced after almost 30 years) used to deliberately give me crap. After the cmas gift of pink fluffy walmart sockswith the sale sticker of 1.99 still stuck on them--I gave up. I'd been giving her nice gifts in an attempt to win her over, but I've learned that trying to convince someone to like you will never work. I was young and ignorant then.

OneFirmBlueShaker · 05/04/2026 01:19

ginasevern · 03/04/2026 16:15

If you're going to buy presents/cards for your adult son then you don't ignore his wife. A married couple are a unit and should be recognised as such. Leaving one of them out is sending a deliberate message. It isn't a normal thing to do and unless the arrangement is somehow mutually understood, then it's obviously driven by spite or disapproval.

👏 👏 👏

DeepRubySwan · 05/04/2026 01:32

I.dont get presents from my in laws. Yes I think you are over reacting but the core of it might come from somewhere else. Are they generally decent to you? For context, my MIL said to me eight weeks after I had my first son that if I died he wouldn't miss me and also bought me a scale with a body fat monitor on it for Christmas six months after having our second child because I hadn't list the weight yet. So there are worse in law out there babe!

Ponderingwindow · 05/04/2026 01:37

My parents have never bought a gift for DH. It just wouldn’t occur to them. They have been vocal about how much they like him. It’s not personal, they just don’t buy gifts for many people

Beetlebum89 · 05/04/2026 03:22

My parents have always bought my dh birthday & Christmas gifts. My Mil has only ever once bought me a gift, for a milestone birthday. I don't care tbh, being a grown up and all.

TeaCupTinsel · 05/04/2026 07:03

I'm so sorry they have been treating you like this, I'd be hurt too.

From now on, I wouldn't contribute or facilitate anything for them (birthdays, Christmas etc) let them see how much they enjoy your husband's gifts for them. I'd also tell him that the gifts for his family going forward need to come from his leisure money as if they won't treat you like family, then you won't be contributing for gifts for them.

I'd just match their energy. If they raise the comment about the boy again, I'd say that you don't want a boy as you find the one they produced lacking. (I'd say it with a jokey smile but this would be war for me... I'd 100% sink to their level and be petty, it would fuel me.😆)

katepilar · 05/04/2026 08:50

To me it reads as if they wanted to get rid of some old magazines. How big was the parcel?
The lack of gifts I wouldnt be bothered about, I dont like gifts. But what you describe sounds weird to me.

katepilar · 05/04/2026 08:56

The comment about babies sex is stupid in any circumstances, let alone when you are newly postpartum!

Tiddlywinks63 · 05/04/2026 08:57

For two consecutive Christmas’ my MIL gave me a facecloth and used bar of coal tar soap.
Dh told her just what he thought, no, she didn’t have dementia she was just a thoroughly unpleasant person.

Notabarbie · 05/04/2026 09:05

I think it's bad manners not to buy you a gift that's similar to whatever they buy for their son. But some people don't have good manners and it's not necessarily personal.

The comment about trying again for a boy was outrageous and your feelings are absolutely valid. At the same time I have no idea if it was meant maliciously.

I don't like the sound of them either but they may just be thoughtless. Your feelings are completely understandable and your DH is clearly not going to see things your way so I would not discuss this with him unless the situation gets worse. You'll only end up further distressed.

YYURYYUCICYYUR4ME · 05/04/2026 15:18

Never had in-law birthday gifts, tiny tokens for Christmas and some real cheap shockers from the sister-in-law, so we said no more gifts for adults (which saved the charity shop runs, as they were truly awful and even my DH was shocked at how bad they were!!) and just focused on the children, and ignored the rest and as for comments, well once tried quickly bounced back, so that stopped.