AIBU to feel hurt by in-laws' gifts and comments?

[NewHere1701]

Hey everyone! I would like other people's opinion on whether I'm being unreasonable or ungrateful as my husband and I totally disagree and this argument seems to crop up time & again...

So my husband and I have been together since 2019. For my birthdays in 2020, 2021, 2022 and 2023, I never received a birthday card or present from my in-laws. My parents buy my husband but they never bought me, whatever, I never really brought it up, but it's just came up again in an argument recently hence why I'm asking for other people's opinions. In 2024, they came up to our house with a big gift bag and tissue paper stuffed on the top and I thought oh my goodness, I must be getting a present this year 😂 how wrong was i... it was a magazine, a Home & Garden magazine, both of which I'm not interested in. When they left, my husband and I had a massive argument. I said I couldn't believe they brought up a magazine as they're so well-to-do. To me, it was thoughtless & actually cruel to have me open it. Their home is worth approx £500,000 and they own a 2nd property which they rent out. They also own 5 vehicles, including a motor home. My husband said the magazine was a token to acknowledge my birthday and I should be grateful. Am I being unreasonable? We buy them both presents for their birthdays but they only buy my husband (their son) a nice gift back. For my birthdays in 2025 and 2026, I received flowers (bunch from the supermarket). I'm not expecting gifts like he receives, just something a bit more thoughtful than a magazine.

Another part in our argument was when I mentioned what his mum had said to me after I recently had my 3rd child. I was 1 day postpartum and she said, "You'll have to go again for a boy". I have 3 girls who I love and I was like wtf, who says that to someone. When she left, i cried and cried. Again, my husband said it was my hormones and me over-reacting & his mum wasn't being malicious but 6 months later, I still think it was an ignorant comment to make. What do you think, am I over-reacting?

Thanks for any replies in advance!!

Yup, because a magazine isn’t a present. Not by my standards anyway.

I think it’s weird they don’t get you presents but I also don’t think having a house worth £500k makes you “rich” in 2026

just stop all presents. All go out and buy what you need yourselves. It's easier

I think it depends on perspective. To the op this is rich , her listing of what they have makes me think they don’t have much and as such she relies on gifts to get stuff for herself, and sees her husband getting stuff and she’s not.

having arguments about it as she wants them is a lot though. But I think signifies how important it is to her. I don’t think it makes her grabby, more a big family with not much money for treats. I suspect she’s never had much as she goes right back to a year after he met him and how she didn’t get a gift. And then tells us how excited she got when she though she was getting one.

Its over £6 an issue so not much difference to a paperback book which presumably would be up to 'your standards'

I loved my in-laws but it would never have occurred to me to buy them a birthday present (or they me). They were adults, for goodness sake, and could buy what they need. Oddly enough I do give my son-in-laws birthday tokens, but that's because they're not so well off and could do with the occasional treat.

Honestly, it's different values.
I adored my in-laws. I always got my mil a lovely Xmas and birthday gift. Looking back they probably thought i was mad. Their gifts were things like a box of black magic chocs.
They also were a bit tone deaf on stuff like kids. But I learned to put that in the "parents in law are bonkers " box and put the lid on firmly.

Yeah I’m not sure it’s saying that, that’s a bit extreme, possibly she thought the op wanted a boy. Maybe she did. Doesn’t mean anyone thinks the girl isn’t good enough,

My fiancée has a small family, and from the start we swapped gifts, it was their relative's birthday a month after we met and I chipped in for their gift. We hadn't actually met at that point but I still made an effort. My family prefer to send cash for a gift, and make a suggestion, like, it's his birthday here's some money to take him for lunch.

My second ex was from wealthy family and they very obviously re gifted me things that weren't appropriate (for example a tiny hat 🤔). Did they do this because they were tight or because they didn't like me? I know ppl will jump on me saying money has nothing to do with it. In my experience, I've tended to find very monied ppl less generous. Just my experience. So the fact his family aren't short of a few quid won't mean you get lovely gifts.

Overall, yes I agree there's no set rule and sometimes ppl choose not to gift but ultimately I think given you're the mother of their grandkids they could make an effort. The comment about having a boy wasn't kind and I think your DH finds it easier to be a bit off with you about it, rather than challenge his parents. Maybe he never felt able to do so.

I wouldn't like them in your place, either. A single magazine on a topic that you aren't even interested in isn't much of a gift. It's fine, if they didn't want to buy gifts for your birthday. At least you know what to expect then, but why bother starting giving you gifts if you're going to give something that thoughtless?

The comment about having to try for a boy is a stupid thing to say to a new parent, particularly if you're unlikely to be having more.

I'd probably be more annoyed with your husband for refusing to acknowledge that his parents aren't perfect and could have handled these things better. Definitely back away from any and all 'wife work' relating to his parents. He's responsible for all gifts for them from now on, if he wasn't already. I'd completely wash my hands of it and them. I'd remain cordial and polite but keep my distance emotionally and wouldn't go out of my way for them.

I really wouldn't worry about it. I don't get a birthday present from MIL (been married to DH for over 30 years), but she can be a bit random. She does usually give me a Christmas present, which almost without fail is a bottle of red wine - but I don't drink (and never have due to migraines). Tbf I don't do anything for PILs either - that is DH's job. Don't let it worry you - provided DH does their gifts/cards and you don't worry I don't see an issue.

I’d just not get involved with gift giving to them hoping forwards. Husband can organise and source and deliver it. Not your parents, not your problem. If you have separate finances, not your financial problem either - it doesn’t come out of a shared pot.
Regarding the comment about going for a boy, crass indeed but I think this was due to it being an emotional time for you to react as strongly as you did. In general, I’d try to have very low expectations of them and if they do make crass comments again shut it down immediately or defend your position clearly and without emotion. Eg. ‘My daughters are the joy of my life and nothing could bring me more joy’

I agree it seems mean. For someone who loves their home and garden and expressed an interest in looking at ideas for these, it might be a perfectly acceptable token gift. But the fact you’re not really interested makes it thoughtless at best and at worst even passive aggressive?

I think flowers are fine and honestly wouldn’t expect more than this myself. (I don’t get anything). How much your parents spend on your DH is irrelevant. You shouldn’t give to receive or keep score.

The comment about the baby is out of order, but I’d ignore it. They’re your DH’s parents. His relationships to maintain, not yours. I’d just try to take a step back from caring what they think or about having a relationship with them.

Married 20 years. I’ve never had a birthday present from my MIL. My parents have never bought my husband a gift. It never occurred to me to be upset about it.

What do your DP get for your husband ?

Maybe they need to stop
So he knows what it feels like when only one person gets a gift.

Some people are not good with gifts
..that's fine! But people who are who choose not too ? That's mean.
I agree the magazine is ridiculous.

Oh and without a doubt stop buying them any gifts I don't know why women do this !

Stop buying them gifts or cards. If your husband wants to, that’s up to him—let him handle it. They’re not kind people, and they’ve made it quite clear how they feel about you.

You don’t owe them anything.

I love my DIL and others son’s partner almost as much as I love my sons. I have always bought them birthday and Christmas presents and as their relationships with my sons have aged I now spend as much or nearly as much on them as I do on my own children.
you are not unreasonable your PIL are unkind and thoughtless.

however you won’t change them. You can only change your reaction to them. Turn it into a joke laugh about it. Don’t let their bad behaviour become your problem.

They are completely different in the effort stakes, and you can’t put a price on that.
Choosing a good book for someone is an act of thoughtfulness.

You are not being unreasonable. I must be lucky, my inlaws are lovely and treat me like an actual daughter.

God I’d hate that. They aren’t my parents and I’d be horrified if they behaved if I was. A close friendly caring relationship yes. But like I’m their child. No thays far from ok for me. Poor you.

If you are happy with your family why would you cry and cry because someone made a comment about trying again for a different gender?

I agree with @Whaleandsnail6. However, you are missing the chance to have a little fun with them: They give you an H&G magazine wrapped up like a gift? Squeal excitedly and say OMG you’re buying us a HOUSE?

As for the baby comment, sounds like your MIL isn’t very socially skilled. But I voted you NOT unreasonable because it was the day after giving birth. If it were me I’d probably have said “I just gave birth, I’m done for awhile. Besides, your son has had three tries already. Looks like he only makes girls.”

Stop having huge fights with your husband over this. If you have a good relationship with your in-laws overall, stop looking for slights. How involved do you want your in-laws in your daily life? Keep your eyes on the prize.

I don’t understand why you’re arguing with your husband about his parents buying or rather not buying you a gift.

its not something he can control or his fault. It would be hugely awkward for him to ask / tell them to buy you one.
your families just do things differently. Yours do gifts for in-laws, his don’t.

accept it and move on. Don’t get involved in buying other gifts either. He can just write your name on the tag.

Never ever buy them a present or card on behalf of your DH again. Never REMIND him of their upcoming birthdays either, which most women do, and which the PIL probably assume their dear son does without any prodding whatsoever. It’s time they found out the truth!