AIBU to feel hurt by in-laws' gifts and comments?

[NewHere1701]

Hey everyone! I would like other people's opinion on whether I'm being unreasonable or ungrateful as my husband and I totally disagree and this argument seems to crop up time & again...

So my husband and I have been together since 2019. For my birthdays in 2020, 2021, 2022 and 2023, I never received a birthday card or present from my in-laws. My parents buy my husband but they never bought me, whatever, I never really brought it up, but it's just came up again in an argument recently hence why I'm asking for other people's opinions. In 2024, they came up to our house with a big gift bag and tissue paper stuffed on the top and I thought oh my goodness, I must be getting a present this year 😂 how wrong was i... it was a magazine, a Home & Garden magazine, both of which I'm not interested in. When they left, my husband and I had a massive argument. I said I couldn't believe they brought up a magazine as they're so well-to-do. To me, it was thoughtless & actually cruel to have me open it. Their home is worth approx £500,000 and they own a 2nd property which they rent out. They also own 5 vehicles, including a motor home. My husband said the magazine was a token to acknowledge my birthday and I should be grateful. Am I being unreasonable? We buy them both presents for their birthdays but they only buy my husband (their son) a nice gift back. For my birthdays in 2025 and 2026, I received flowers (bunch from the supermarket). I'm not expecting gifts like he receives, just something a bit more thoughtful than a magazine.

Another part in our argument was when I mentioned what his mum had said to me after I recently had my 3rd child. I was 1 day postpartum and she said, "You'll have to go again for a boy". I have 3 girls who I love and I was like wtf, who says that to someone. When she left, i cried and cried. Again, my husband said it was my hormones and me over-reacting & his mum wasn't being malicious but 6 months later, I still think it was an ignorant comment to make. What do you think, am I over-reacting?

Thanks for any replies in advance!!

Presents aside, that comment about trying for a boy was way out of line. It implies you somehow failed with your third child. Tell them if their hearts are set on another male in the family, they can get a dog. Also, your husband seems to be insensitive and not showing any support for you. Maybe he doesn’t need to confront his parents, but he should should acknowledge your feelings and try to have some empathy.

I don't get anything for any occasion from my MIL. My parents, however, buy for my DH for every occasion - he even gets an Easter egg!
I came to the realisation about 8 years ago that she simply doesn't like me, never had. So I stopped buying for her and told my DH she was his mum so his responsibility.
It's always been a passive aggressive move I believe from my MIL. She also goes as far to not even put my name on a Christmas card! It's like I don't exist. Kids have noticed this too and have decided for themselves that she's not a very nice person.
Anyway, my DH doesn't get her anything now, Mothers day, birthdays - he forgot it was her birthday last month! But, that's on him. Not my responsibility anymore. I feel free now from her passive aggressive behaviour (there's a lot more backstory to this).
I would just remove yourself from getting your in-laws anything from now on. Tell your husband it is his parents, his responsibility.

The try again for a boy comment was hurtful and unnecessary.
the magazine ?? was it a magazine subscription ?
to me that’s a reasonable gift ( if it’s for a magazine you’re interested in )

You know what to do, tell your parents to buy your DH a random bike or car magazine for his birthday every year. Also, gift your in-laws random magazines for their birthday. Fuck them, I would t be making an effort and I would probably replace your DH also as he doesn’t seem to have your back at all.

Well silly you for having 3 kids with someone who doesn’t even respect you. Why are you rubbing buying gifts for them? Treat people how they treat you, not better but exactly how they treat you.

YANBA.

My DD gets more fuss from her first BF parents at 17 years old than you do from your actual in-laws, the grandparents of your kids.

She’s been seeing him 4 months.

Who actually buys the gifts for them? Are you involved at all @NewHere1701 if so, drop this immediately

From now on, DH sorts the presents for his parents. If he forgets, they’re late or poor choices, that is on him.

It’s ok to not like your in-laws. Just give them the distance they are giving you. Be polite, courteous, welcoming when you’re around them - but otherwise disengage.

I’ve never had so much as a birthday card from my in laws in 26 years. My mum buys my DH a card and present (but I choose it)

doesn't bother me, I don’t have to be nice to them 🤣

Totally disagree, that’s not my experience at all. I get presents from my in laws as do my friends and other family members.

Some do and some don't. In my family we don't give to adults but my MIL always gives me something, I've never thought about it before.

Maybe DH feels miffed my Dad doesn't give him anything, but I dont think so. (DDad does give me £20 for my bday but not for Christmas). My family are all miles away but MIL is just down the road and we have always spent a lot of time with her and helped each other with stuff over the years. She also gives us an Easter card every year but I told her decades ago, thanks but I don't do them back....😀.

Seriously I'd have a chat with them and agree what to do going forwards. There's no right or wrong but you should be on the same page.

Just don't buy them gifts, just match the energy - if you happen to see them give a little token.

A wrapped magazine is worse than no present at all. Your partner is not a good partner if he is invalidating your feelings and not handling his parents.

Just ignore them, unfortunately some people are dicks. You've accidentally married into them. Spend no time or thought on them. They're your husbands problem so leave him to sort their birthdays and christmas. I say this as someone who gets nothing from my in laws, other than one christmas where I was given a cardboard novelty coaster with an offensive funny comment on it, clearly chosen to be directed at me. They're not going to change, what would you like to happen? For your husband to fight with them about it? They still won't put thought or effort in, it'll be awkward and tensions will heighten. Sometimes people are just not worth your thought....

Sounds like my bf’s parents live mortgage free in a £300,000 house up in Kendal but buy my 8 year old son (their only grandchild) fuck all for his bday! Last year he got a 99p colouring book! Yet his mum for her bday expected her kids to buy her an £150 bottle of perfume! As I say it’s a 2 way street, so if they buy you bugger all return the favour or buy a magazine back 😂🫣

I had four sons. The 'trying for a girl' line started with pregnancy number 2. I didn't care. I think it's just mindless conversation really. No one but you and your partner really cares about your child's gender.
As for presents, my in laws were very wealthy but not really into presents. When they did give you one it was always something really random like a second hand flower pot three months after your birthday.

Agree with @KimHwn- you did get a gift- they gave you flowers. Sounds like you have got a bee in your bonnet.

The way you mention the value of their house and their second home/cars etc …. they’re prob well aware of how you think .. they’ve got the measure of you!

I don’t think I’d be that bothered by the baby comment. A bit insensitive, but I don’t think deliberately meant to be hurtful and certainly not worth crying over.
Id have been fuming over getting a magazine for my birthday! In a gift bag? That somehow seems worse than getting nothing. It also seems a bit of a dig at a perceived lack of home making and gardening skills.
Cheap flowers are not much better.
Don’t involve yourself in any gift buying for them going forward.

Get your mother to stop buying for him.

Down grade their presents to the point that the combined cost is similar to what they spend on dh. Then spend any excess in yourselves.

Step back and let it wash over you. Be civil with them for dh’s sake, but accept it’s not a great relationship. Stop caring. They aren’t important to you.

Same.
OP, YABU.

"I said I couldn't believe they brought up a magazine as they're so well-to-do. "
What a strange comment to make.
Their house is worth.....

OP You sound very resentful in a way I am struggling to piece together. You seem to be skewing whatever the actual issue is and pushing it on to something tangible to make an argument.

I'd take a step back and address your real, potentially subconscious, feelings and concerns then go from there.

I'm not surprised you are repeatedly arguing about this, because you are making something out of nothing. The fact you get flowers now says DH has already spoken to MIL too.

Personally I embrace in-laws and gifting, and am all for families coming together. I feel I am in a minority there though now.

As for the comment, yes insensitive but how she was feeling at the time, and how you were. Ignore this one. Deal with the bigger issue here which is your insecurity.

The comment about trying again for a boy is very insensitive.

The presents, meh, I wouldn't be bothered at all. I have been married for 15 years. We get joint Christmas cards to us but I rarely get a card or present to me for my birthday or a separate Christmas present from his family and I am okay with this. The only times I have done are because we were spending the day with them. I'm fine with this. I don't need or expect cards or gifts from them. My husband deals with all cards and gifts for his side of the family (which means only his parents really get cards and presents). I deal with my side. His side don't get me anything. My side gets him stuff. I think you need to accept that you can't control other people's behaviour just your reactions. You know what they are going to do. I think you need to stop investing your own time, energy, headspace to it. Let him deal with it

I wouldn't be that upset over the 'present' as it must indeed have been a token, but I agree that nothing would have been better, or maybe a bottle of wine! My own PIL have never given me a birthday present. At Christmas, and before we had our children, they'd go all out on presents though, and it became apparent that they were stuck in a mindset of 'shower the children with piles of tat, quantity over quality'. So we ended up with lots of without-thought things like toiletries sets and sponge bags and endless scarves, which I'd quietly recycle. The year I had our first child it ended and we were told 'you don't get presents any more, Christmas is for children' and I realised that in our childless state, we'd been as children to them! (They are bloody odd people though.)

DH gets a bottle of wine and a plaid shirt or jumper for his birthday. Every year. Pretty much the same jumper. I'm quite happy to remain giftless. (We obviously get them things but that's all DH's job thank god)

The hurtful fuckwittery about not having a son, on the other hand ... I'd have been upset too, if it had been meant, and wasn't just a silly throwaway.