AIBU to feel hurt by in-laws' gifts and comments?

[NewHere1701]

Hey everyone! I would like other people's opinion on whether I'm being unreasonable or ungrateful as my husband and I totally disagree and this argument seems to crop up time & again...

So my husband and I have been together since 2019. For my birthdays in 2020, 2021, 2022 and 2023, I never received a birthday card or present from my in-laws. My parents buy my husband but they never bought me, whatever, I never really brought it up, but it's just came up again in an argument recently hence why I'm asking for other people's opinions. In 2024, they came up to our house with a big gift bag and tissue paper stuffed on the top and I thought oh my goodness, I must be getting a present this year 😂 how wrong was i... it was a magazine, a Home & Garden magazine, both of which I'm not interested in. When they left, my husband and I had a massive argument. I said I couldn't believe they brought up a magazine as they're so well-to-do. To me, it was thoughtless & actually cruel to have me open it. Their home is worth approx £500,000 and they own a 2nd property which they rent out. They also own 5 vehicles, including a motor home. My husband said the magazine was a token to acknowledge my birthday and I should be grateful. Am I being unreasonable? We buy them both presents for their birthdays but they only buy my husband (their son) a nice gift back. For my birthdays in 2025 and 2026, I received flowers (bunch from the supermarket). I'm not expecting gifts like he receives, just something a bit more thoughtful than a magazine.

Another part in our argument was when I mentioned what his mum had said to me after I recently had my 3rd child. I was 1 day postpartum and she said, "You'll have to go again for a boy". I have 3 girls who I love and I was like wtf, who says that to someone. When she left, i cried and cried. Again, my husband said it was my hormones and me over-reacting & his mum wasn't being malicious but 6 months later, I still think it was an ignorant comment to make. What do you think, am I over-reacting?

Thanks for any replies in advance!!

I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. It is thoughtless particularly as you make an effort. Having been together for so long, I would have thought they saw you as an extension to their immediate family which is why I would say they are being unreasonable and you’re not. I would likely be more annoyed and frustrated about your husband not recognising it. Even being able to moan about it together would make it tolerable as you could put it down to them being difficult people.

I understand OP ,it’s just good to feel valued and cared about.
My Mum always got my husband a nice bottle of wine and MIL always gave me a gift.
I always get my children’s partner a thoughtful gift. It’s just a nice thing to do .

I can’t believe anyone is condoning the baby comment - I’m not surprised the OP was upset.

The present thing would bother me less. What are they like in other ways?

I would just not bother with them. Leave it all up to your dh to sort presents visit etc

and as to the comment about a boy I would simply point out that the fact you have girls is down to your husband and no you are not trying again

I do think the lack of birthday gifts/token magazine is rather thoughtless. I have always bought gifts for my dc’s girl/boy friends for birthdays - not necessarily very expensive but something that indicates I know their likes and dislikes.
The baby comment is incredibly crass.

2 none issues
nobody is entitled to to a present

the baby comment is common I doubt that’s the only time you’ve been asked that

Nobody is entitled to a present, but imo it’s pretty normal to buy a birthday gift for your dil or sil.
only on mumsnet is life so joyless.

I don't get presents from MIL anymore but your IL don't sound nice. Packaging up a magazine sounds both bonkers and passive aggressive, ans the comment was really inappropriate.

That said if you're getting flowers from them surely that's a nice gift? I certainly wouldn't expect to give my milk or receive from her anything more?

Flowers, even supermarket ones, are a nice gift. The magazine was a bit naff though, particularly as they wrapped it up as a gift. I get naff gifts from my in-laws but everyone in our family does so I don't feel singled out.

The baby comment was insensitive but I couldn't get worked up about it. It's something I've heard a lot of people saying when someone has multiple children of the same sex.

This. My mil is no longer with us and I wouldn't say we were close but she was scrupulous with making sure everyone was treated the same. Christmas and birthdays. She had 4 children and all were married but we all got gifts of the same value. She didn't have much but what she had she was thoughtful with. Maybe it's old fashioned these days as we've been married 44 years and things have changed.

It is hurtful and thoughtless. I always by my children’s partners a gift for their birthday as they are part of our family now and it’s important to me that they feel included. Gift buying doesn’t have to elaborate, it’s what it’s saying is important. I can imagine it’s hurtful and makes you feel like you’re not important to them. If they didn’t buy for anyone that would be different but they do and so it’s hurtful.

I have never bought for and have never received birthday presents from my in-laws. Some people just choose not to and that is ok, you cannot decide others should just because you want a present. Leave the present buying for their birthdays to your dh to organise.

The baby comment is a very common thing people say when others have several of the same sex in a row - everyone knows this. Was your OTT upset because you were slightly hopeful for a boy this time and needed an outlet for that?

You appear a bit needy and/or looking for something to be offended about.

@Herewegoagainandagainandagain i imagine op was upset as it was the day after she’d given birth!

I'm v fond of my in laws but never buy gifts for them, and they don't buy for me either. And we're all fine with that

I’ve been with DS since 1992. I don’t think I’ve ever had a birthday or Christmas present from my PILs, though my parents always give DH a present. I’m quite fond of the PILs, but recognise that I’m just background noise to them. It doesn’t bother me.

MIL is spectacularly tactless and made such an appalling comment t when we told them I was pregnant that for once in my life I was actually speechless, as was DH, and FIL actually spoke up.

But MIL is just like that. I don’t get bent out of shape about it. She’s not ever going to change.

Their wealth is irrelevant.

the only relevant thing here is they got you a MAGAZINE. That’s just fucking weird and insulting.

I can read, I still think it was an OTT reaction to something so mundane and common.

So the magazine was in a gift bag stuffed with tissue paper?

I actually think that this is cruel tbh.

The comment about a boy was bloody horrible.

It's a shame you didn't think to ask her why?

What a shame your husband couldn't just have said "oh that was thoughtless/not very nice".

Just a bit of sympathy not a full on confrontation!

The best thing you can do is not to be involved in buying them presents. If you husband wants to give them things then fine, he sources, pays for, and wraps them. you also don’t buy them presents from your children.

If your children want to make them a card with their craft materials then that’s ok, they will enjoy doing it, but if your husband wants the children to do it he can supervise and clear up afterwards!

I wouldn't worry in the least about the birthday presents. Your parents chose to give your dh something - that's lovely. Your in laws chose not to and that is fine too. Most people probably don't bother. Just say thanks for whatever they give - flowers or a mag or whatever and don't think anymore about it. You don't need to be involved with their birthday presents - that's your dh's responsibility (bet he doesn't go out and pick something for your parents).

The comment one day post partum would bother me a lot tbh. I would expect my dh to say to his mum "look mum you were probably trying to be funny but that comment really upset Newhere and I don't like it either. Could you make sure you never say anything like that again. It sounds like you aren't thrilled with your new granddaughter and that can't be true"

Calling it cruel kind of implies you are overreacting I’m afraid. Same with the comment about the third child

I was with my husband for over 10 years before I received a birthday card from my MIL out of the blue, sometimes I get a card and other times I don’t. I don’t really care about it. She’s got so many grandchildren and children to think about. I don’t get involved in buying gifts for her.

Hmmm...it sounds like she doesn't like you very much. Is she a misogynist who just wants you to push out a male offspring? And until you do you're getting the short shrift?

Gawd knows. I mean I wouldn't care about the gifts really if they gave gifts to my kids. Or they just never gave gifts to anyone for whatever reason.

But the way you MIL treats you seems pretty off. I suggest you go LC and just politely keep your distance as they don't seem to be doing you any favours. I also don't see why your husband isn't trying to defend you to an extent at least.

I wouldn't mind the supermarket flowers, but a magazine they'd probably read?! Sounds like an afterthought.

My dad has never bought birthday presents for my husband or my BIL/SIL. Christmas yes when we are all together but not birthdays. Tbh he only buys me or my children presents if I send him a link for exactly what to buy, presents just aren’t his thing I don’t think! He’s also impossible to buy for. I’m not sure he’d remember exactly when my husbands birthday is…

my PIL on the other are generous to the ends of the earth and give me the same (very generous) amount of money for my birthday as they do my husband and kids. So there is a discrepancy but my husband has never mentioned it.

Re the baby comment I agree it’s unacceptable but people are weird about this. I have one of each and the number of ‘well done!’ and ‘how lovely to have one of each!’ comments I got was unreal, as if it was in my control and as if 2 girls would have been less somehow. My sister has 2 boys and wants a third and whenever she says this people assume it’s because she wants a girl. It’s not, she’s always wanted 3
kids as long as I can remember!