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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want the house. AIBU?

415 replies

HouseFair · 02/04/2026 18:05

I feel like this might be controversial…

My boyfriend and I are buying a house. We have been together three years and I’m pregnant! Happy surprise. I own a flat but we live together in a rented house as he has three older kids so my flat isn’t big enough for us all. I’m selling it to provide the deposit on the house.

Part of the mortgage discussion is on life insurance. I have told him I want mirror policies in place which pay off the mortgage which leave the house in the surviving person’s name. He seems reticent about this and I think it’s because he thinks it should be left to his kids.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Lucycurly · 02/04/2026 18:06

Great start. Probably would have been wise to have had this chat way before now

BlueMum16 · 02/04/2026 18:07

Could it be his half to all 4 kids but with you being able to live there until you meet someone's/move out?

You then leave your half to your DC with him being able to live there?

We are doing similar with our home.

PinkyFlamingo · 02/04/2026 18:08

I wouldnt be buying a house with anyone who was going to leave me potentially homeless if they died that's for sure

Catcatcatcatcat · 02/04/2026 18:09

Are you legally protecting the large deposit you will be making for the house?

I would be tempted to continue renting tbh.

CarlaLemarchant · 02/04/2026 18:09

The insurance policy should pay off the mortgage but sounds like you need some legal advice and to make wills. Of course he will want all 4 of his children to inherit from him. You would not be unreasonable to ringfence your deposit somehow.

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 02/04/2026 18:10

Don’t sell your flat!

madwomanintheatticc · 02/04/2026 18:10

Your deposit ringfenced.

Then his remaining 50% in trust to his kids, yours to you and your child.

BollyMolly · 02/04/2026 18:10

He’s right that if he has anything to leave upon his death that it should go to his kids, especially while they are still dependent. He has more responsibility to provide for them than for you, but you need to do whatever it takes to protect yourself and your deposit too.

parietal · 02/04/2026 18:13

You both need to think very carefully through all the options here. How much money are you each paying for deposit? How much will you each contribute to mortgage? What % of the house would you each own in 25 years time? Or what % if you split in 5 years? Do you each have wills leaving the property to the other?

you both need to agree on all these questions before you start making offers on houses so everything can be fair.

Raining12345 · 02/04/2026 18:13

Get it arranged properly with a solicitor who is good with wills, same for securing your house deposit. He may just not have thought it through properly but you need to make sure that you are protected in the event of splitting up or either of you dying. My DH (before marriage) paid the deposit for our house from an inheritance. The solicitor advised me signing to say that he would get that back if we split. He actually didn't want that but I was happy to sign that as it was his money and I wanted to make sure I was being fair. A friend and her DH have made sure that. In the event of their death, their half will be ringfenced for their children in case the surviving person meets and marries someone else. I can't remember the exact details but there are a lot of nuances that a decent solicitor will sort through for you. Don't commit any of your money etc unless he is willing to recognise it and make sure it is dealt with fairly. It's a tough situation as you're pregnant but it will potentially save a lot of stress further down the line. If he's not willing to understand this then trust who he is showing you that he is.

ChavsAreReal · 02/04/2026 18:13

I think it’s because he thinks it should be left to his kids

Start by asking him if this is the case.

Meanwhile, consider renting.

Keep your property in your name. You may need it.

This is part of a bigger picture of finances.

How will you share money/costs/childcare/fund maternity leave etc?

caringcarer · 02/04/2026 18:14

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 02/04/2026 18:10

Don’t sell your flat!

Ring fence your deposit. Buy tenants in common so each will own half the house less your deposit. It's perfectly reasonable for him to want to leave his half of the future house between all 4 of his DC. You'd have your deposit plus half value of house. You could leave your half of house and deposit to your own DC.

Fidgety31 · 02/04/2026 18:15

So if he dies - you get his half of the house . That’s unfair on his kids .

would you want your kid to receive something if you died first ?

Listlostlast · 02/04/2026 18:17

BlueMum16 · 02/04/2026 18:07

Could it be his half to all 4 kids but with you being able to live there until you meet someone's/move out?

You then leave your half to your DC with him being able to live there?

We are doing similar with our home.

I think this seems fair. Can’t blame him for wanting to protect his assets/an inheritance for his children.

YourJoyousDenimExpert · 02/04/2026 18:18

You also don’t want to be in a position where if he dies in 20 years and you’ve fallen out with his kids that there’s a chance they could force you to sell. Sorry to be negative but this really needs thinking through and you MUST protect your deposit.

Goodadvice1980 · 02/04/2026 18:20

I really wouldn’t sell your place OP.

You need proper legal advice OP, as this type of situation is fraught with issues.

zantez · 02/04/2026 18:22

Why do you need to buy, and why are the proceeds from your flat being used for deposit? Is your DP bringing anything to the table here, apart from demands about his kids' inheritance?

Stay as you are, keep your flat as security. No one knows what's round the corner and life can throw a lot of curve balls. You could rent a bigger house for when junior arrives....

Lorenzo86 · 02/04/2026 18:22

Lucycurly · 02/04/2026 18:06

Great start. Probably would have been wise to have had this chat way before now

Helpful! 🙈

BeeCucumber · 02/04/2026 18:25

Don’t sell your flat. What will happen when you have your baby and are on maternity leave? Will you become default parent for all the DC. How will you pay the mortgage on one salary? So many factors to take into consideration before you jump into buying a house with a man with 3 DC.

Original poster
HouseFair · 02/04/2026 18:25

Catcatcatcatcat · 02/04/2026 18:09

Are you legally protecting the large deposit you will be making for the house?

I would be tempted to continue renting tbh.

Yes, it’s going to be protected.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 02/04/2026 18:28

Huge mistake OP. Keep your flat and your independence.
Just read the relationships and step parenting boards on here.

pepayfelix · 02/04/2026 18:28

What possible advantage is there for you in buying a house with him? I would just continue to rent. Do not sell your flat!

Original poster
HouseFair · 02/04/2026 18:28

BlueMum16 · 02/04/2026 18:07

Could it be his half to all 4 kids but with you being able to live there until you meet someone's/move out?

You then leave your half to your DC with him being able to live there?

We are doing similar with our home.

This is what I don’t like and I’m not sure if I’m being unfair. I don’t want to have to leave my home to pay off his children. I feel like he should build assets separately or take out insurance if he wants to leave money to them. Our home, bought by us two, should go to the survivor.

I’m aware that if I die first, that’d probably mean he’d split it all 4 ways eventually. But I’m planning on having other assets and insurance to protect my child.

OP posts:
Bollixtothat · 02/04/2026 18:29

Keep your flat and save up to buy a house together? How old are his children and how long have you been living together?

Bollixtothat · 02/04/2026 18:31

HouseFair · 02/04/2026 18:28

This is what I don’t like and I’m not sure if I’m being unfair. I don’t want to have to leave my home to pay off his children. I feel like he should build assets separately or take out insurance if he wants to leave money to them. Our home, bought by us two, should go to the survivor.

I’m aware that if I die first, that’d probably mean he’d split it all 4 ways eventually. But I’m planning on having other assets and insurance to protect my child.

Show quote history

His inheritance should go to his children because if it goes to you, you will leave it to your children and his three will get nothing? That is probably his concern

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