I want the house. AIBU?

[HouseFair]

I feel like this might be controversial…

My boyfriend and I are buying a house. We have been together three years and I’m pregnant! Happy surprise. I own a flat but we live together in a rented house as he has three older kids so my flat isn’t big enough for us all. I’m selling it to provide the deposit on the house.

Part of the mortgage discussion is on life insurance. I have told him I want mirror policies in place which pay off the mortgage which leave the house in the surviving person’s name. He seems reticent about this and I think it’s because he thinks it should be left to his kids.

AIBU?

As I see it, the DP has no assets or savings so the only way he can leave something to his kids is to piggy back on OP's deposit and combine their earnings to get a mortgage. Not a level playing field at all IMO.

I'm curious to know why they don't just rent a decent property between them with room for all four kids. He can take out life assurance to have something to leave his kids and the child to be born, and OP will have her flat for their child.

That would work as long as they remain unmarried.

Because he's going to contribute to the asset over time? So his 'share' should go to his kids when he dies.
we have an arrangement of this type and there is a clause in the will about when one party needs to release the funds to the children of the other party. If either of us dies when the kids are still young we don't have to release the funds until the youngest is 30 years old.

I’d be incredibly wary of buying a house with a man that is contributing nothing towards the deposit. You are completely right here - you’re paying the mortgage but don’t get the house if he dies? This would be a deal breaker for me.

Also, you know he can cancel or change the beneficiary of the insurance policy without you knowing about it? This happened to my SIL and obviously she only found out once her partner passed.

Just read your post to my husband to get his perspective and he said ‘absolutely no way’ if you are not buying the property as joint tenants don’t buy together at all.

So he’s not got a penny towards this house but expects it to go to his kids?? is he able to pay equally to the mortgage?
Personally, I’d be keeping your flat and tell him he’ll need to save up if he wants to buy.

If you’re paying the deposit then it should just be in your name. Wills can be changed.

I had an elderly relative who married for the second time later in life. She bought a house with her money (he had none) and he insisted that it be in joint names. They agreed mirror wills splitting the house between all of their children equally, with a life interest for the survivor. He then changed his will behind her back, leaving his half to his kids only. He died, she had to sell the house and didn’t have enough left by that point to buy again and pay for the care she needed.

The thing is that, unless one of you is already terminally ill or something, who goes first is a lottery and, in the nicest possibly way, hopefully you both go before any of your kids. It doesn't seem fair that either if you should happen to go first, his children could benefit when he dies, but your child might not because he could chose to leave your child out, but if he happened to die first you could cut all of kids off in favour of your child.

You really shouldn’t be buying anything with this bloke.

So you get a good solicitor.

Protect your deposit.

Buy as tenants in common so you both own a share, maybe 50:50 or something different if you think you should.

Your half is always yours and no one can claim on it. His half is his too.

You then make wills to deal what happens in the evening of your death. His split between 4 kids but always you to continue to live there for whatever time is agreed - usually until you remarry.

If you buy as joint tenants then his half goes to you or yours to him.

It could mean his half goes to you and his 3 existing children get nothing as your new partner gets everything.

You need legal advice and a proper conversation before you buy a house and move in together. It would have been better before choosing to have a child with him.

This.

He is absolutely right to want to protect “his” for his own children.

You aren’t wrong to want to keep it.

But those two things do not co-exist.

Has he proposed that your deposit is safeguarded and some solution for how that works? If he hasn’t “seen” your contribution and seem to recognise it properly but is counting the pounds of his kids inheritance off the back of being able to buy with you then that should tell you all you need to know about how he will be with money. If he hasn’t mentioned safeguarding the unborn child that too tells you a lot. You need to properly listen when men tell you who they are.

Yes, you are being grossly unreasonable.

TAKE YOUR FLAT OFF THE MARKET. DO NOT SELL IT TO PROVIDE THE DEPOSIT.

Save up together and provide a joint deposit for a house that you own 50:50 as tenants in common with a joint mortgage. Do NOT become joint tenants. That way he can leave his half of the house to you, his kids or the Dogs Trust and you can do the same, but the flat (that you rent out in the meantime) is always yours.

Oh god, don’t risk yours and your child’s financial security for a man you have known for 3 years, who has no money and no assets plus comes with three additional dependents.

Keep your apartment and continue to rent with him. With this sort of setup you need a fast and easy exit plan. Not many people are happy to live with someone else's three children, especially not after having their own first baby.

If youre paying the deposit you should just pay all the mortgage and own 100%.

He should leave his assets to his kids - that's fair. Maybe he can buy a rental.

But you should safeguard your housing and own your home 100% if you can afford to

The house is yours and your partners, not the children's. If one of you dies the house belongs solely to the other person to do with as they wish. You can stay in it, move house, downsize for retirement to release money, use it to pay for care in your old age. Whatever you choose.
If he's concerned about leaving his children something upon his death he can take out life insurance with them as the beneficiaries.

Are you financially able to get the mortgage for the house on your own? With his current mindset this would be my preference, or just continue renting for the time being and keep your flat as your security.

I don’t think they should marry at all. OP is stronger financially and he would be entitled to 50% of everything then!!

Stay where you are. Don't sell.
You've got assets and he doesn't. Until you've resolved this you need to be secure. If that's forever then that's fine.

can you buy the house just in your name?
I wouldn't want to be financially tied to a man who has 3, nearly 4 children and no assets.

Then he leaves his share to his kids, with a clause stating that you be allowed to live in it until you die or choose to sell.

In your scenario he could pay of half the mortgage just for you to disinherit his children if he dies first... he would have to be mad to agree to that.

How far are you with selling the flat OP?
I wouldn’t do anything now until everything is clear and watertight.
A lot of people made a very important point - some documents can be changed e.g Will without other party knowing it, so think about it.
It is not clear what your partner is contributing to the purchase but it seems that you can get a house without him but he can’t get a house without you. He probably left the previous house to his ex wife so in a way he got something for his children. Your flat and all your future assets should be for your child.

You do know if you buy a house and the deposit is yours and you sell the house and seperate you lose your deposit, you are happy and in love but you need a deed of covenent done legaly to say the deposit is yours,

Are you absolutely out of your mind?
He has 3 children and he's renting.
Why would you put yourself and your home at risk.
Christ, he doesn't own a pot to pee in and he's already trying to shaft you.

Go back to your apartment and raise your child there.
Have a bit of sense and self preservation.
Why would you put yourself and your housing security at such risk?

Buy the house yourself and let him rent rooms from you with a rental agreement.
If it doesn't work out, he moves out.

Wake up and don't be so foolish as to put your money at risk.

If this went sideways, and it got messy and went to court, would a judge throw him and his 3 children out?
It could be so so messy.
Don't do it.
You barely know him.
You are being sucked into a big house, the costs, maintenance of it all for 4 children.

You don't need this expense with just a baby.

He must be thrilled at your naivety.

Literally.
Why on earth are you getting financially tied to someone like that? He has everything to win and nothing to lose and he has the cheek to make demands?

That’s not how it works.

His half belongs to them but you have life long right to remain. They can’t kick you out, you can move etc, all perfectly normal and thankfully he is thinking about his kids!

Why should she have to move out of her house that she is/will be paying for?

His half of the equity, he currently has nothing to contribute to the deposit and no assets.

He’s a CF talking about inheritance for his kids which won’t exist without OPs deposit for a house he’d never own otherwise.