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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want the house. AIBU?

415 replies

HouseFair · 02/04/2026 18:05

I feel like this might be controversial…

My boyfriend and I are buying a house. We have been together three years and I’m pregnant! Happy surprise. I own a flat but we live together in a rented house as he has three older kids so my flat isn’t big enough for us all. I’m selling it to provide the deposit on the house.

Part of the mortgage discussion is on life insurance. I have told him I want mirror policies in place which pay off the mortgage which leave the house in the surviving person’s name. He seems reticent about this and I think it’s because he thinks it should be left to his kids.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TrashHeap · 02/04/2026 19:06

You're absolutely spot on to want this.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/04/2026 19:08

So he dies, you get the entire house and pass it all on to your sole child. His kids get no inheritance despite what he puts into the house for the next 30 years. He has a point.

He needs to leave his half to ALL of his kids, maybe a small portion to you so you retain the primary possession. You do the same for your child.

Ponderingwindow · 02/04/2026 19:12

His primary financial obligation should be to his children. Wanting to leave them everything shows he is a good man. This is why it is so complicated when people have second families. If you were the mother of all his children, he could trust that you would care for all of his children and simply leave the money to you. He can’t do that though. The money needs to go directly to them.

regista · 02/04/2026 19:15

If I were you I would see what life insurance would cost to cover you both for all or most of what you bo to want - which is the mortgage paid off and the kids paid a lump sum equivalent to the value of half the house with a bit of padding for inflation. If you are relatively young, the cost of insurance might be quite affordable. Get a quote and go from there. You take out the policy to cover him and vice versa. That way there can’t be a change of beneficiary.

Sunshine5791 · 02/04/2026 19:18

If you were the mother of the three children, how would you feel about the situation then? I’m guessing you would want your children’s inheritance protecting? Why do you think his first three children should get nothing?

I think you need to book an appointment with a solicitor and get proper wills drawn up to cover this kind of eventuality. It would make sense to me that your half of the house goes to your child and your DPs half gets split 4 ways, with some kind of proviso in there that you get to stay in the house until your death or you move someone else in.

Is your partner putting down similar amounts for a deposit? As you are selling a flat as a deposit that money is obviously yours and should be protected in the will and be solely part of your estate, to be passed on to only your child. That should also written into some kind of legal document so the deposit is protected.

Favory · 02/04/2026 19:19

Be wary of a lifetime interest. Step children can be vicious when they've lost their parent and want their inheritance.

Lucycurly · 02/04/2026 19:20

Favory · 02/04/2026 19:19

Be wary of a lifetime interest. Step children can be vicious when they've lost their parent and want their inheritance.

Lovely

Rosacharmosa · 02/04/2026 19:25

The way I understand it the insurance and inheritance are two separate things. You can ring fence your deposit but his share of the equity that builds up afterwards should be split between all his kids.

Couldnt there be two life insurance policies? One for the mortgage amount that goes to you and one to pay his ex an amount to cover their care?

Scarfitwere · 02/04/2026 19:29

madwomanintheatticc · 02/04/2026 18:10

Your deposit ringfenced.

Then his remaining 50% in trust to his kids, yours to you and your child.

This 100%

gentileprof7 · 02/04/2026 19:30

It's normal to leave your money to your children. Buying with a non-family member is problematic. I probably wouldn't do it. If you are putting down a large deposit, you need to make sure he matches your deposit.

Original poster
HouseFair · 02/04/2026 19:32

Bollixtothat · 02/04/2026 18:31

His inheritance should go to his children because if it goes to you, you will leave it to your children and his three will get nothing? That is probably his concern

Show quote history

But he’s renting so right now there is no inheritance that way. He’s got nothing in savings to contribute to the deposit.

My fear is that he’d die, and his ex would sue me for lost CMS or something, I’d have to give up my child’s home whilst in mourning to give a payout to his kids.

If he wants to take out insurance policies or save up to leave money to his kids, that’s great. I don’t see why they have to be given our home.

OP posts:
Lucycurly · 02/04/2026 19:34

HouseFair · 02/04/2026 19:32

But he’s renting so right now there is no inheritance that way. He’s got nothing in savings to contribute to the deposit.

My fear is that he’d die, and his ex would sue me for lost CMS or something, I’d have to give up my child’s home whilst in mourning to give a payout to his kids.

If he wants to take out insurance policies or save up to leave money to his kids, that’s great. I don’t see why they have to be given our home.

Show quote history

Great. Three kids
4th on the way

and not a penny to his name

Bollixtothat · 02/04/2026 19:39

HouseFair · 02/04/2026 19:32

But he’s renting so right now there is no inheritance that way. He’s got nothing in savings to contribute to the deposit.

My fear is that he’d die, and his ex would sue me for lost CMS or something, I’d have to give up my child’s home whilst in mourning to give a payout to his kids.

If he wants to take out insurance policies or save up to leave money to his kids, that’s great. I don’t see why they have to be given our home.

Show quote history

You can’t sue someone for cms! Does he have life insurance ? With 4 children he reallly needs something? How does a grown man with three children already not have any savings whatsoever? You should only buy a house together when you are married and can afford it. Keep your flat and rent it out as financial stability for you and your child. If you got pregnant by accident then you’ve no guarantee this relationship will last.

Bloodycrossstitch · 02/04/2026 19:40

HouseFair · 02/04/2026 19:32

But he’s renting so right now there is no inheritance that way. He’s got nothing in savings to contribute to the deposit.

My fear is that he’d die, and his ex would sue me for lost CMS or something, I’d have to give up my child’s home whilst in mourning to give a payout to his kids.

If he wants to take out insurance policies or save up to leave money to his kids, that’s great. I don’t see why they have to be given our home.

Show quote history

It will also be their house though, even if they live there part time.

I think you should both shelve the idea of buying together for a while.

calishire · 02/04/2026 19:40

HouseFair · 02/04/2026 19:32

But he’s renting so right now there is no inheritance that way. He’s got nothing in savings to contribute to the deposit.

My fear is that he’d die, and his ex would sue me for lost CMS or something, I’d have to give up my child’s home whilst in mourning to give a payout to his kids.

If he wants to take out insurance policies or save up to leave money to his kids, that’s great. I don’t see why they have to be given our home.

Show quote history

You are thinking too short term. He doesn’t have anything to contribute right now. But if you buy this house and he contributes financially for the next 25/30/40 years (not sure how old you are) then dies and his children get nothing? If I were him, I’d not be happy with this arrangement either.

Readytoescape · 02/04/2026 19:41

No you can’t buy a house together if he has no deposit. Keep the flat, it’s to risky for you. I have children and would not move anyone into our home. The house is for them. You need to rent privately together.

Lucycurly · 02/04/2026 19:41

This has shit show stamped all over it. Such a shame a fourth child is about to enter the mess

AsburyPark · 02/04/2026 19:43

HouseFair · 02/04/2026 19:32

But he’s renting so right now there is no inheritance that way. He’s got nothing in savings to contribute to the deposit.

My fear is that he’d die, and his ex would sue me for lost CMS or something, I’d have to give up my child’s home whilst in mourning to give a payout to his kids.

If he wants to take out insurance policies or save up to leave money to his kids, that’s great. I don’t see why they have to be given our home.

Show quote history

But presumably he’ll be contributing to the mortgage/bills/upkeep if you buy a house rather than renting so then there is inheritance there.

The only fair way is for your deposit to be ring fenced with the remainder split according to contribution towards the house. He can then split his 4 ways and you can do as you please with yours. And also add a clause that you stay in the house if he dies.

If you won’t agree to that I wouldn’t be buying with you tbh, it’s unfair to freeze out the kids if their dad has spent 10/20/30 years paying towards a house.

RawBloomers · 02/04/2026 19:44

I totally see why you don’t want to have to sell if he dies. But also why he wants to leave assets to his DC. It sounds like you could both do with insurance on the house and separate insurance to cover kids’ needs until you have enough separate assets to provide reasonably for all.

Lucycurly · 02/04/2026 19:45

AsburyPark · 02/04/2026 19:43

But presumably he’ll be contributing to the mortgage/bills/upkeep if you buy a house rather than renting so then there is inheritance there.

The only fair way is for your deposit to be ring fenced with the remainder split according to contribution towards the house. He can then split his 4 ways and you can do as you please with yours. And also add a clause that you stay in the house if he dies.

If you won’t agree to that I wouldn’t be buying with you tbh, it’s unfair to freeze out the kids if their dad has spent 10/20/30 years paying towards a house.

Show quote history

Oh he’s probably on minimum wage. If he’s even employed that is.

tiptoptoemaytoe · 02/04/2026 19:46

Without your sacrifice, he’d have shit all. Don’t sell your flat (divorcing a greedy fucker who leeched off me and now wants more than he ever put in).

HPFA · 02/04/2026 19:48

If he's going to be paying half the mortgage from now on then of course some of the value should go down to all his kids eventually. Provided the deposit has been properly recognised this just seems unarguable?

Otherwise there's a prospect of him putting in money for years only for it all to eventually go to only one of his children. Apart from anything else that will hardly be great for relations between the half-siblings.

GeorgiePilson · 02/04/2026 19:48

Oh dear

Overtheatlantic · 02/04/2026 19:50

Have you considered getting married?

LovingLimePeer · 02/04/2026 19:51

I wouldn't ring fence the deposit as an absolute value. I would ringfence it as a percentage of purchase/selling price. Due to inflation, the assumption is that the value of your deposit in real terms reduces by 50% every 20 years.

Possibly mirror wills where remainder of house cost left 50% in trust to his children and 50% to you and your children. Right to live there until surviving partner death, remarriage or moving out. Complications arise if you need care as your 50% could be eaten up by care costs, leaving your child with nothing. You may want to factor this in with the wills so that your child/his children are not disadvantaged disproportionately by care costs for one parent.