I want the house. AIBU?

[HouseFair]

I feel like this might be controversial…

My boyfriend and I are buying a house. We have been together three years and I’m pregnant! Happy surprise. I own a flat but we live together in a rented house as he has three older kids so my flat isn’t big enough for us all. I’m selling it to provide the deposit on the house.

Part of the mortgage discussion is on life insurance. I have told him I want mirror policies in place which pay off the mortgage which leave the house in the surviving person’s name. He seems reticent about this and I think it’s because he thinks it should be left to his kids.

AIBU?

If you read the thread of that topic I was saying to a PP that you don’t HAVE to have life insurance but you do have to insure the asset 🤦‍♀️

He’s entitled to feel that way! Just as he’s entitled to not take out life insurance or worry about how his kids will survive without him.

The result will be SC don’t get anything if he dies, and we don’t buy a house together.

In a nuclear set up, it’s actually more likely to be safe to do it your way. Because then they won’t he a step parent cutting out your biological kids.

The way you want to do it means biological kids from a previous relationship can (and are) cut out. There isn’t always a lot of assets beyond a home, most people who do get life insurance just get enough to cover the house and a small amount more.

The house would be his asset. He can leave it to his kids.

If you go and move in with a new man at any point, please do not leave the house to him. Leave your share of any house to your children. And for god’s sake, speak to a solicitor because someone needs to knock this sense into you.

Genuine question: If you had a child (or three) from a previous relationship, would you be gifting an fully paid up £800k house to your boyfriend upon your death to raise just one of your children in?

The fact is @HouseFair that the way you are suggesting doing it just simply isn’t how it is done when there are kids from a previous relationship. You might not like it, but it’s just not how it is done. There is too much risk of those kids being cut out.

The way it is done means everyone is kept safe and secure. The only reason it won’t work here is because you’ve got with an idiot who won’t get life insurance. You picked the wrong man.

If this works out, great, but it sounds like it won’t because he doesn’t sound like a keeper. If you go on to a new relationship and buy a home with someone, please please try legal advice about protecting your assets for your kid.

Unless he wins the lottery, he won’t be buying a house, so it’s a moot point anyway.

I’m talking about you. If you ever end up in a new, serious relationship.

You don’t leave your asset to a new partner when you have kids from a previous relationship.

If I had three children from a previous relationship, I’d have insurance policies and a will in place naming the children already.

I’d set up my estate to ensure all of my children were financially provided for and had a stable home if I passed. How much I left to the dad of one would depend on loads of factors: whether he’d adopted the others, what his financial situation was, how much I could afford, whether he would raise our child or all or none, his health, more…

Remember, this isn’t just me giving him hundreds of thousands of pounds. It’s an insurance policy. It’d be £40 a month for peace of mind. I am hoping neither of us will die in the next 20 years! If we split, we’d each take what we put in.

You’re sacrificing your child growing up with both parents on this alter. What seems very much cutting off your nose to spite your face.

it’s probably best you don’t buy. Because this is the tip of the iceberg. You don’t sound like the sort of person who can honestly be in a blended family of this extent. This before your own has even come along. It’ll only get worse

And he (if he wasn’t an idiot) would make all those same calculations. He has 4 children. You are raising one. He’d have life insurance to pay off the house. Half of an £800k house is more than enough for that, your joint child would get 1/4 of his share, his other kids would get 1/4 each of his share as well. You’d have plenty to raise your joint child, and that child would have their own pile of money when they hit 18. I’d also have insurance set up to give extra as they are are young right now.
But he isn’t doing that. He won’t do anything. He sounds like an idiot. So, he was the wrong guy to choose really. But if he had been right right guy who sorted life insurance, then his way of willing the house would be the correct way. Yours isn’t.

When you’re on the other side of it and you have the child, remember that.

I’m asking that he puts a £50 a month policy in place to protect me and his child (and ideally other ones for his other children) to give me peace of mind and match what I’d give him.

If he doesn’t want to do that, I don’t want to buy a house with him.

Hindsight...such a wonderful thing.

Lots of these discussions should have taken place BEFORE deciding to have a baby with a men with completely different outlook to you.

Neither of you is right/wrong but you are polar opposites.

You are right though, best not to buy a home together and work out how to co parent/have a relationship for your child's benefit without living together.

Well you’re not though are you?

you’re asking him to take out a policy to ensure you remain in sole o ownership of the house and asset, and an additional policy to ensure the previous kids can’t take their dads share off you

now, as you know, I think he ought to suck it up and do it, to keep you happy. But let’s not pretend this is anything other than you wanting to financially gain as much as you can for you and your child. It’s not about equity. Splitting is share of the marital home does that

Why isn’t he sharing the household bills?

tho my stbeh didn’t either. I paid for it all. Yes muggins here

glad you have decided not to buy with him @HouseFair

most mortgagee will want to see proof of life insurance - equally he could cancel it 6mths later and sounds like he might

If you bought as joint tenants then the property would pass automatically to you if he died first and vice versa. However, as an estate planner, I would not buy a property with someone who is not willing to put basic protection in place such as life insurance and a Will. His estate would be open to being contested under the Inheritance Act as he has dependents. This would be an absolute no from me and I think you are much better buying your own property.

Also, when you make your own Will, make sure you have your situation documented as he could also possibly claim under the Inheritance Act if he can show he has been financially dependent on you and you don't provide for him in your Will.. You should document you have fronted the deposit and that you are paying the mortgage. Charge him rent and document the fact he is able to financially support himself without your assistance in any way. PM me if you need further guidance.

I honestly don’t think I’m entitled to have an opinion on how or how much he provides for SC. I am asking that he’s fair to me by ensuring we’re equally protected if someone dies.

It'd be nice if he ensured the same sums went to SC, but I don’t think that’s my business. If he took out a policy for 600k for me (to pay off the house - like I would for him) and a million each for his children, that’d be fine.

Did you say he is refusing to
pay any of the household bills???

You’re still just not listening.

If he took out insurance to cover the house, he still shouldn’t leave it to you. And you shouldn’t leave it to him. You are a blended family so wills need to protect the kids. Which means you leave your half to your kid. He leaves his split between all his kids.

It’s not smart financial planning to leave your asset to your partner because it will be lost in divorce or death later and your kids won’t see a penny from it.

But even if he just covered, say, his half of the house via insurance that is fair?

hes not putting the step children above you is he? As has been pointed out there are legal mechanisms to ensure you can stay in the home??

what you want is increased financial recompense in the event of his death. Rightly or wrongly he doesn’t want to pay for that. This is the disagreement ultimately.

in your position now. Pregnant and with a child to think of, I’d take out insurance paid for by you, to get this. Say 400k to you. The house share to the kids you can then “buy out” with that.

im not sure there’s any other solution?

he doesn’t want to pay a sum of money to enhance your pay out. Money clearly is tight. I sort of get it….. so if you want that level of protection, you’ll have to do it.

In the UK the only insurance required by a mortgage company is building insurance. I am a mortgage broker and I get my clients to sign a declaration stating an advised them about insurance and it was their decision not to take it because I think it should be a legal requirement to take it like the buildings insurance

If he won’t take out ANY insurance then in your circumstances you can’t buy with him.

But I can’t see why on earth he’d sacrifice a relationship for that matter of principle?

but if you want to be able to keep the house full stop by taking a sizeable chunk of cash on his death, you’re going to have to pay it or walk away

Yes I suppose you’re right. What I want is a payout on his death, like he’d get on my death, to go towards raising our child.

He doesn’t want to provide that for me, so I don’t want to provide him with a mortgage.

Op you’re doing the right thing protecting your own kids. Don’t waste your money on someone who won’t even get life insurance for his kids he just wants you to get the house then him have equal shares then you could end up being worse off than he is now.

No sorry, he does pay half of the bills, but only ones he agrees with. So for instance I set up Disney for the kids but he said that’s my expense as he didn’t choose it. So he wouldn’t pay towards insurances unless he had expressly agreed, and he doesn’t.

Otherwise he pays 50% of household bills (so he’s already getting a good deal, in my opinion…)

Op I can’t believe you were ready to give up your money for a guy who won’t pay for something that he doesn’t want. He sounds like a child tbh.