AIBU, Grandparents reduced Private School Fees Support at the Last Minute.

[LighthouseDreamz]

DS has ASD and ADHD, he is very academic. Between our family, we have discussed for many years that DS will need to attend a private secondary school, as he needs small classes and a school with good pastoral care and that is nurturing. His current class teacher agrees that he will thrive in a small environment and is unlikely to cope in a huge secondary school. Very kindly, DS’s grandparents offered to pay half of the fees, meaning myself and DH can just about afford the other half. They understood this to be approximately £13k a year.

DS has gone for the trial day and 11+ and been offered a place at the school. We’ve paid the £600 deposit as well as the fees for the exam and interview (£200). He was very excited to attend the school.

Yesterday, DS’s grandparents called and said that actually, having gone through their finances, they can only afford a third of the fees. This means that DH and I would be looking at covering £20k between us, which we just can’t afford.

Do I have a chance of getting the deposit back? Is it likely the school will be able to offer any sort of financial assistance or bursary or compassionate support?

My other option is to home educate DS but I literally know nothing about this area.

I’m not sure if it’s advisable to try stimulant medications again after the side effects of Medikinet. He did try it approximately 3 years ago, so I guess a lot can change in that time?? I might talk to him again about trying and also his ADHD doctor. Last time we spoke he was very firm he didn’t want to try medication as he ‘likes himself the way he is and doesn’t want to change.’

They owe you nothing, if you can't afford fees then send your child to a normal school like 93% - and climbing - of the population does.

That’s obtuse and unnecessary and rude and smacks of your own jealousy.

@TeenthreeIt’s not obtuse - it is factual. I have send dc to private school and I know the costs! Not having the money would be a constant problem and the op working more is a poor solution. Facing facts and being pragmatic is what it comes down to. We cannot always have what we want.

Would you consider moving area? There are some outstanding, smaller private schools that have lower fees, if you are prepared to consider other possibilities? Have PM'd you the details of one school.

It is, because the point of the thread was the shitty show boating.

I think the grandparents have probably taken a more realistic view of the future payments and you need to accept their feelings on the matter. School fees are just the start as there are extras and they increase every year.

I’m always baffled by the claims that people - like myself- who are morally/politically opposed to private schools are ‘jealous’ somehow.
The grandparents owe the OP nothing, and I’d be embarrassed to be tapping up my parents for cash like this when they’re on pensions and not working anymore.

Thats great he’s comfortable with it, my Dd is too and was very relieved when she got the diagnosis BUT you also need to work out and through the benefits of medication in terms of the ability to focus etc

I really hope you can work the fees out I found the School fees plan useful of the school does it, 12 monthly payments instead. Also it’s not forever. DD16 stayed private until GCSES now she is at a lovely small 6th form college that just does a levels and a few BTECs. Loads of SEN kids there, small classes etc

Which assessments?

I'm not sure why it isn't possible to try out one of the state schools according to which one seemed the most on the ball concerning his needs?

If he's really unhappy after a few weeks then you can explore the home schooling option.
But if he's confident enough to say he likes himself as he is then it sounds like he has enough resilience to test out one of the schools.

I wouldn't put 100% reliance on Facebook - people who are happy with a school are far less likely to comment.

Is a sen school via ehcp not an option?

Tbh having navigated the SEND thing I really think this will be your best option. It doesn't sound as if he will thrive in mainstream or a SEN school. There will be stresses for him in both going on what you're saying and you're absolutely right in not wanting to risk his mental health if he's pretty stable.

It sounds too dicey anyway even if you can stretch with the revised contribution from grandparents..flakey once can be flakey again.

I really feel for you OP, I have an academic AUDHD child who was miserable in mainstream primary, I know he would have been eaten alive in secondary school, I'm so sorry that your plans have fallen through that sounds so disappointing.
I home educate my son, along with two of his siblings, only one of my children are now in mainstream education, if I had the financial option to pay for private school I would. I hope you can get a bursary sorted for him.

My son is also very academicly able, it's a tricky one to manage and leaves them as floating 'not severe enough for SEN provision', but also doesnt fir into mainstream.

Honestly just go in and lay your cards on the table. A friend did this, walked in told them she was a widow at her wits end because her daughter was being bullied at her current school and needed to move and they arranged half fees. If you explain the situation and how you’ve managed to raise some and can add some, they may just come up with the shortfall.

its the old adage, you don’t ask you don’t get.

Good luck

Worth noting that everything that is outside of actual lessons, attracts further costs.

Have two very close friends with children in SE private school and they have to cough up for every little thing, so worth considering that too, as it isn’t just a case of covering term fees.

Good luck, I hope you figure out a tenable solution xx

The grandparents should have gone through their finances before agreeing. I would be fuming.

They have been v unreasonable.

But honestly if you could only scrape together the £16k in the first place maybe it's a blessing in disguise. Costs are going up and there are often hidden or unexpected costs attached to private school. Plus the fees will probably go up year on year. Ours have just gone up 15% and we can't really afford it. We'll probably have to pull our child out.

What are your earnings? As that will impact chance of bursary eg if you earn 100k but have a big mortgage and a pony they will probably tell you to piss off.

Could a scholarship be an option, given how academic he is?

How far did you get with the ehcp?

Would you be able to move? For example... There are very good, academic, private schools in Glasgow that cost £16,000 a year.

Private schools are still classed as mainstream, just with the benefit of smaller class sizes. “Not suitable for mainstream” would indicate that the child needs to attend an SEN school. In reality, he’ll probably cope in a top set in a decent school.

I'm guessing things have gone up on price and now they cannot afford it due to cost of living. Defo ask the school just incase. Hope you get it sorted.

I am a teacher in a state comp and I actually think for the type of student your son sounds like he would be fine in my school. As he is academically able he would be in the top sets and therefore would be stretched academically and also in quiet and well-behaved 'rule-abiding' classes. SEND provision is very tight but it sounds like it is the environment that makes a difference rather than needing one to one support. Often SEN intersects with learning difficulties, and often social and emotional difficulties and it can be really hard to provide what the child needs (basically one to one TA support) without adequate funding. However this doesn't sound like your child. I'm thinking of the AuADHD kids in my top sets and they cope fine and are supported by their peers.

I guess you have 5 years to pay for a mix of online school and in person private and need to figure out how to do that. Year 10-11 are the most important academically speaking, years 7&8 are really important socially emotionally. Year 9 is a mix of both. So I guess given the needs I would send in person now and then when older move to online school. However, if he settles well and is really happy it may still be traumatic to have to take him out. I would probably start with a plan of in person and remortgage etc given everything you said. A child’s mental health and happiness is everything and it’s extremely fragile at the secondary transition point. We were lucky with our autistic child who is extremely bright as we had an excellent but relatively small state grammar and he was fine. There were plenty of similar boys there too and they were used to it. Now mine is older it’s mainly only the ocd that is an issue and fixating on getting stuff done/impatience but he did extremely well academically and earns a very high salary. If we didn’t have a grammar I think we would have found a way to pay someone as well.

Op have you considered moving house to an area with better state schools? If you moved to a different area you may find a different choice? And that would be better for your other children too.
Schools around here seem to have one or two schools in an area where the SEN departments are large and well funded and have lots of provisions, and the other schools very little.

I think I'd rather move to a catchment of a state school that has really great SEN provision rather than put my whole family and grandparents under such financial strain for the next 5 years and having to get evening jobs etc. think about the impact on your other children. You could be impacting your financial futures quite significantly if you really can't afford it.

Perhaps home schooling is the way to go. My friend homeschooled her son and my understanding is the actual learning time is less so you'd be finished before 3pm so you could perhaps work part time evenings and do the homeschooling in the morning.