AIBU, Grandparents reduced Private School Fees Support at the Last Minute.

[LighthouseDreamz]

DS has ASD and ADHD, he is very academic. Between our family, we have discussed for many years that DS will need to attend a private secondary school, as he needs small classes and a school with good pastoral care and that is nurturing. His current class teacher agrees that he will thrive in a small environment and is unlikely to cope in a huge secondary school. Very kindly, DS’s grandparents offered to pay half of the fees, meaning myself and DH can just about afford the other half. They understood this to be approximately £13k a year.

DS has gone for the trial day and 11+ and been offered a place at the school. We’ve paid the £600 deposit as well as the fees for the exam and interview (£200). He was very excited to attend the school.

Yesterday, DS’s grandparents called and said that actually, having gone through their finances, they can only afford a third of the fees. This means that DH and I would be looking at covering £20k between us, which we just can’t afford.

Do I have a chance of getting the deposit back? Is it likely the school will be able to offer any sort of financial assistance or bursary or compassionate support?

My other option is to home educate DS but I literally know nothing about this area.

For some people education is sacrosanct.

It is for most people. Paying for it isn’t.

As an educatorI can confirm that education is valued by most parents, regardless of their income.

Not so important to you that you’d pay for it. Whereas it’s too important to me to leave to the vagaries of local state provision.

Lots of people, in fact most I’d say, don’t have a lot of choice about that. Private school fees are just too expensive for many.

This is both rude and wrong. Plenty of parents choose state school over private for positive reasons, especially where SEN is involved.

Important enough to have two degrees and a child who also has two degrees. The state has been plenty good enough for us.

Absolutely. But the discussion was of principles. Some people would pay if they could afford it, others wouldn’t regardless.

Of course they do. I would have chosen state if there were super-selectives in the area, but they are all too rare.

Perhaps they’d have been so super selective your child would be rejected. Back in the day private education was often the chosen route for children who failed their 11 plus.

I don’t think bursaries are only there for unforeseen circumstances, I think they are offered to some from the outset. I think I have seen bursaries listed on a school’s website menu. Check theirs. But if it isn’t mentioned on the website, don’t let that put you off of asking.

I hope the meeting with the school goes well. Best of luck.

Ooo look at you. Given that they went to the top 5 most academic schools in the country I’d say they’d have as good a chance as anyone.

What’s the point of all this antagonism if you’re happy with your choice?

And that’s fine if good enough is good enough. Personally I wanted excellent and optimal for the child. Optimal for the child is what OP is after for her son.

I wonder if this is a common problem.

DHs parents offered to pay all of (AuDHD) DD's fees to a lovely small private school. We didn't ask - they actually phoned specifically to discuss and offer having done some research themselves. As soon as she started they said they had changed their minds and in the end only paid half of one term's fees.

DD got an academic scholarship, which was lovely but not much. Fortunately DH got a promotion, which meant we could afford it.

How much better do you want than the highest possible grades for bachelors and masters degrees? Looks pretty excellent and optimal - surely that’s tautology - to me. Are you seriously trying to persuade me that none of the 93% of the population that’s state educated receive an excellent education at non selective schools?

Some people send their children to private schools because their needs can’t be met in state, not because they think it will buy their children better grades.

I had my first child when I was 20. My first grandchild was born when I was 42. In my generation that was not unusual. Most of my friends were married with children by the age of 23-25.

The degrees were taught by the universities. It’s not just about grades but the educational experience itself. ‘Excellent’ referred to the quality; ‘optimal to the child’ - referred to the favourability to individual needs.

I’m not trying to persuade you of anything. I’d say superselectives and the best comprehensives offer an excellent education but the state sector can be quite patchy and there’s much less choice wrt to the school itself and to the curriculum.

Exactly. And that doesn’t just apply to SEN but to sport, arts, music etc. One of the benefits of the private sector is the array of choice and facilities. It’s just a shame they’ve got so crazy expensive.

Some of the private schools near us have worse facilities than the state schools. And a reputation for drugs and bullying

I top up a state education with private 1:1 tuition in academics and extra curriculars. Mine are excelling at school and in their extra curriculars for a fraction of the annual cost Op is talking about

@BlossomtoesThere are over 200 grammar schools. Selective schools do provide many talented dc. Some schools have very few.

Private schools are not all about grades. There’s hidden depths and sometimes very obvious advantages. Poor private schools convey very little advantage.

They’re SEN are they? If so you’re lucky they can cope with mainstream school. If not are you really crowing that your kids don’t have a disability?

Almost half (45%) SEN students fail to reach Level 2 attainment (ie 5 GCSEs at grade 4 and above) by the time they finish compulsory education.

I’d be very wary about relying on the GP’s long term to be able to help fund fees. If they’ve changed the goal posts already what’s to say they won’t again in the future?

I think you need to look at state schools tbh, they’re not all bad.

What do you think the rest of us do with neurodiverse kids?

Sheltering them from the world doesn’t do them any favours imo. Neither does having bankrupt parents.

I hope your meeting with the school goes well OP and your ds is able to go to the school.

When asking around about state schools, I would set much more store on the opinions of people you know than on Facebook opinions.

I asked the opinions of young people who attended schools. (They and I were helpers at Brownies.) Plus parents whose opinions I trusted.

Often the people who sound off on Facebook will be people with awfully behaved children who were punished or excluded by schools. They will then say the teachers bullied their child or asked them to leave. They won't mention their child's awful behaviour.

Your ds sounds like a well behaved child who would benefit from disruptive kids being asked to leave. Not one who'd be asked to leave himself.