AIBU, Grandparents reduced Private School Fees Support at the Last Minute.

[LighthouseDreamz]

DS has ASD and ADHD, he is very academic. Between our family, we have discussed for many years that DS will need to attend a private secondary school, as he needs small classes and a school with good pastoral care and that is nurturing. His current class teacher agrees that he will thrive in a small environment and is unlikely to cope in a huge secondary school. Very kindly, DS’s grandparents offered to pay half of the fees, meaning myself and DH can just about afford the other half. They understood this to be approximately £13k a year.

DS has gone for the trial day and 11+ and been offered a place at the school. We’ve paid the £600 deposit as well as the fees for the exam and interview (£200). He was very excited to attend the school.

Yesterday, DS’s grandparents called and said that actually, having gone through their finances, they can only afford a third of the fees. This means that DH and I would be looking at covering £20k between us, which we just can’t afford.

Do I have a chance of getting the deposit back? Is it likely the school will be able to offer any sort of financial assistance or bursary or compassionate support?

My other option is to home educate DS but I literally know nothing about this area.

I agree that they shouldn't have offered anything at all, then the problem would not exist.

OP do you work. Could look for a part time job whilst DC is at school & use the money purely for school fees to make up the balance/take pressure off a bit

You can make this work OP, you just have to be proactive.

1. Email the school tomorrow about a bursary
2. Plan to buy uniform from the second hand shop - honestly its as good as new and a hell of a lot cheaper.
3. Get a plan B, if your school doesn't give out a lot of bursary's then research other local independent schools that do and go and visit them.

No , you are expected to ask as part if the admission process

Just wanted to say that I have been in your position more than once, in terms of abruptly being unable to cover school fees and not having a workable state school option. This was a few years ago and the school came through, and supported our family. We were able to make a payment plan which helped us manage.

If you have to withdraw your child, there is always a discussion to be had about refunding any deposit you have paid, and also to waive any termly fees you are on the hook for.

Good luck, I wish you all the best.

Op ignore the posters who dont understand.

My DD is exactly the same as your DS. We sent her private and I would do it 1000 times over.

I would look at an option to possibly release a bit of equity in your property if this is an option for the first year. But before locking that in give the bursar a call and explore options. A payment plan or bursary may be available. Explain as you have to us and I am almost positive they will make some sort of concession.

All is not lost. I do however, think you are doing the absolutely right thing and should move heaven and earth to stick to the plan.

Ps - the comment about 'parenting' and AUDHD child out of their neurodiversity up thread is exactly why you should pursue this.

Good luck 👍

I was terrified sending 2 of our DC, to state school. I had heard horrible things about it.
One is ASD and the other ADHD.
They both managed just fine, in fact I'd say they thrived. They had friends and both got all A's at A level.
They joined quieter activities like choir and chess club.
Of course there was banter but they learned coping strategies , held their own and went off to uni independently.
If the grandparents can't afford to help then there's nothing more to be said about that. Of course it's unfortunate that they didn't realise before you told your son that he would be going to private school but they are elderly and I think you need to cut them some slack. They probably feel terrible about the whole situation.

Speak to the bursar, they will be able to give you an idea what is available and if they still have unallocated funds. One of the schools ds sat for was very disappointed that they had not had many applications for bursaries that year. Some schools are bequeathed huge amounts of money towards bursaries and as long as your ds passed the entrance exam then you are eligible to apply for one. I would not tell the bursar that your inlaws have offered to contribute to fees and then maybe you could ask them to help with uniforms and trips etc instead.

I haven’t read through replies but is he self motivated and a diligent worker? If so, distance ed done online at home could be a good option. It should also cost considerably less. I have a very bright child with ADHD and autism and she does well most of the time in a larger secondary school. I was concerned but she has made a great friend group. She had the choice of two schools and we allowed her to choose what was our second choice because she felt comfortable there. Maybe you could go and look at some local state schools with your son and see if he likes any of them.

A few thoughts here

1. it’s pretty shitty to offer and take back, but peoples circumstances change, and private school is a long term commitment. If your child goes, you have to either be on a bursary from the get go or able to fund yourself.
2. people at the school I went to had bursaries from start to finish. They didn’t wait. There’s a chance if your child is gifted you could apply on those grounds and financially.
3. if you’re sending your son, there’s an implied thought of sending your other children later on. Carefully add up if you’ll be ok doing this. If it makes you feel better we have a gifted nursery age child (taught himself to read, does multiplication for fun etc), we’ve been told the same private school small classes thing, the sticker shock of the price x the number of years, plus likely another sibling there is making me regret thinking of it. I just don’t know, there’s no magical right answer.
4. I went to private school, the bullying was still rife. Certain teachers were still notoriously awful. It’s not a fix all, but the ratios are better and there’s more offered to the children,

I quite understand your concern for your son as a target for bullying in a large state secondary school. I would also do all I could to avoid it. Year 7 can be hard enough anyway for the most resilient of children.

I think that taking on extra evening work will be unsustainable. It will add enormous stress to family life and to your marriage and to your son. So a lot to think about with that idea as a solution.

Would your best bet be to plan to use the gp’s financial contribution for the first three years, until the money has run out, with the plan to merge gradually into home schooling for the gcse years?
I’m sure there are good local home ed social groups he could attend to support his social needs. And if he is high achieving academically, he should be more than capable of guided self study by year 10.

Your son will have had chance to prove his academic worth to the school by that time and may even be offered a bursary going forward but that should be considered a bonus if it happens rather than an expectation.
DS may also have developed one or two good reliable lasting friendships and sport interests by then which he could continue away from school for the two gcse years of home education.

Hopefully DS could then attend a state sixth form college for A levels.

None of it is ideal OP. It is all very risky financially. And having to leave school at the end of year 9 could be a real wrench for him if he is super settled there.
But I totally understand your wish to protect him from those most vulnerable first years at any of the poor state secondary schools as you describe them.

Do you have a gov grammar near you? They are good for ND as do many bright kids have autism.

I agree, it's very risky to let a child start at a fee-paying school and get happily settled there unless you know you can cover the fees and expenses from your own resources if necessary.

From what you've described of your son I'd expect him to get bullied quite badly as a private school down south.

I genuinely would move. I thought I saw that you have other kids who will also need a decent school.

The thing with big schools is that they're full of a variety of people, it's rare for anyone to not meet a single person they connect with. Yeah you have the nerds getting bullied by the thugs but it's a group of 6 nerds. I think you'll actually be socially isolating him.

From my understanding, normal schools down south are horrible, so move, there are plenty of decent schools to choose from. Your money will go further in a cheaper part of the country. Maybe grandparents will still help towards it.

Home schooling again is just isolating him. The only social life he'll find is on the Internet and that is not a healthy place for a boy to learn about life.

Going by other news stories and autistic boy with too much access to the internet is not good.

I agree, but now is not the time to withdraw whilst investments are down. Perhaps they don’t have access to other money.

Sorry but I think this was wrong to expect of the grandparents anyway. You say they had said they would pay £13k for the next 5 years, so covering a total of £65k in fees for just one grandchild.
In one of your posts you mention having young kids, so presumably your son has at least one sibling. Maybe they suddenly panicked that you would expect this for each child you have which unless they are incredibly wealthy is surely not workable. You also haven't said if there are any other grandchildren that they would then be expected to cover for too. I imagine it would all become very tricky to justify paying so much towards one child and then nothing for others. Or if you said well the other children will go to state school they might feel they needed to equal it out in a will, which could cause conflict - the private school child inherits nothing as they have had their school fees paid for, yet a sibling could be given a significant lump sum.

You also seem to be relying on this set of grandparents. Not sure if I have missed it, but did you mention whether other grandparents were around and able to contribute too? This might also be a factor in why one set have pulled out as maybe they feel like why should they risk their retirement enjoyment if no one else is.

If you did your research beforehand there are a lot of bursaries private schools offer, and these can be based on the results of the entrance test. The only issue with these is again they might only cover so long and you would need to hope your child retained their academic standard if that was what the bursary was for to get the funding for the following years. I am not in the south east but a year 6 where I am did sit the entrance tests and went to a private school with a bursary that covers their fees but this was only for year 7 and 8. I don't know what will happen if they don't get the bursary for the remaining years and if the mum will be able to keep them in the school. It is not cheeky to check funding before getting a place and in your circumstances would have been wise to do before even sitting the test and getting your son's hopes up.

It sounds like you can’t afford it to be honest. Maybe find a cheaper alternative or have a look at some of the mainstream options. You may be surprised if you look a bit further afield.

Actually now I’ve read a few more posts I agree you should move. You can’t afford private for one child and there are multiple behind him who will also need educating. You seem to really hate all the local schools so it would be far cheaper to move rather than spend hundreds of thousands on private education.

I think the best thing you can do now is to stop worrying about your in-laws finances and focus on what you can do for your child. Agree that private school kids are no less likely to bully than state, there’s no scenario where you can protect your child from this possibility unfortunately.

Working 70 hours a week and neglecting your other children isn’t something I’d consider, sounds like the worst possible outcome.

@LighthouseDreamz I would think about this advice and try the secondary school first, then have the option to go for an online school or tutors if it doesn't work out. But give it a chance first. I don't think you can afford private school either, the fees are going to keep going up and up and if your marriage is already under pressure, working more hours isn't going to help. If the pressure leads you to split up, you'll have to take him out of private school anyway as you couldn't afford if you had to run two households

The GPs were wrong to promise what they can’t deliver, but I don’t think you should have expected this much of a financial contribution from them. If you choose private for your DC, you need to make sure that you can fund it yourselves. If your DC doesn’t qualify for an EHCP, then you’re basically on your own.

It’s likely time to face facts and either home school or do your best to find the best state you can, from a limited range of options. That’s what most families who can’t afford private have to do. You don’t deserve more than anyone else in this life. It’s unfortunate but also basic maths - sometimes you can’t afford what others can.

@Moonnstarz Bursaries are not ongoing because the school had to review them! The schools are not all financially stable and they don’t all have huge endowments invested over centuries. Now the fees have vat, if they are paying bursaries out of fee income and are concerned about falling numbers, they will naturally be cautious. If a school has a Y9 intake, again they might want to redistribute money for bursaries at that point. They might even want to review them completely to keep fees lower for all. It’s an uncertain world now.

OP I picked private for similar reasons for my AuDHD DD. Couple of things. Firstly double check what’s included in the fees most private schools you don’t pay extra for lunch. Also do they do the school plan there? It’s a way of financing so you pay equally over 12 months rather than in terms. Medication wise my DD16 is on Elvanse and the beauty of this is she only takes it on school days, weekends and holidays she can “be herself”

We are also in the SE and our daughter when to two private high schools (lower and then 6th form) due to her auADHD. She was in a sort after government school, but the large class sizes and pressure were leading to school refusal. And I really feel for you as the VAT has placed a further burden on parents in your situation.

That said - I don't know a single private school which doesn't offer some sort of bursary programme - all geared towards kids whose parents will struggle to pay the fees. If your son is bright thats attractive to a private school because it helps with their results. Just ask them.

I think you do need to be careful though thinking that a private school will avoid your son being bullied. kids are kids - unfortunately their brains are immature and they can be horrible to other kids. what you really ideally need to do is teach him skills to develop a way of him dealing with unkind comments so they get nipped in the bud and don't esculate. I would read the anti bullying websites for tips. But don't ever mention something like do this to avoid bullying ... more a long the lines of if someone does or says X suggest you handle it by doing or saying Y.

I would also consider if this private school has a year 9 intake, that you start him in state and if it doesn't work out then move him to the private school where you've had a few years to save.

I also think if I am honest with you, with schools you get the best SEN experience if you engage early on / set things up well before they start. Like with autism its likely a school with agree in advance to put someone he knows in his form class to help him with his social relationships. Or let him come to the school before term time to get a feel for it before school starts. Its trying to put things in place once the race starts which gets tricky.

I think it’s unfair to criticise the grandparents. If they are living on pensions and don’t have a personal goldmine this is a big ask. Maybe they had to take a hard look at their finances.

I have always worked in a decently-paid job and my ex also worked (lower salary than me) and school fees were too much for us.

It’s a huge amount of disposable income. Beware as well that it is still a school. Just because it’s private it doesn’t mean he will enjoy it. You could be overstretching for seven years to pay for this and he could have a miserable time. Is that worth it?