AIBU, Grandparents reduced Private School Fees Support at the Last Minute.

[LighthouseDreamz]

DS has ASD and ADHD, he is very academic. Between our family, we have discussed for many years that DS will need to attend a private secondary school, as he needs small classes and a school with good pastoral care and that is nurturing. His current class teacher agrees that he will thrive in a small environment and is unlikely to cope in a huge secondary school. Very kindly, DS’s grandparents offered to pay half of the fees, meaning myself and DH can just about afford the other half. They understood this to be approximately £13k a year.

DS has gone for the trial day and 11+ and been offered a place at the school. We’ve paid the £600 deposit as well as the fees for the exam and interview (£200). He was very excited to attend the school.

Yesterday, DS’s grandparents called and said that actually, having gone through their finances, they can only afford a third of the fees. This means that DH and I would be looking at covering £20k between us, which we just can’t afford.

Do I have a chance of getting the deposit back? Is it likely the school will be able to offer any sort of financial assistance or bursary or compassionate support?

My other option is to home educate DS but I literally know nothing about this area.

As mentioned above, they probably did but pensions and investments have dropped massively since the war in the Middle East.

Now is not the time to be cashing investments in and if they don’t rise again, that expected money has gone forever.

Well at least we now know there is no assessment of his needs. And I suspect you never actually laid it out in black and white what the contribution really was when you came up with this which I suspect was before all the private schools put fees up to recoup VAT and cover falling school rolls. Not nice to talk about your family as you have, or discount everyones suggestions about tutoring. You only gave us half a story. Ask about Bursarys. Ask if intake at 13 is possible when you have given a decent secondary such as a church school a chance. And if he cant cope you cut your coat according to your cloth and economise to make it work. From a gran with 2 autistic grankids with the EHCP in place and one without who just gave up completely at 15!

As a teacher you will know that ASD is a spectrum with widely varying presentation. By definition the AuADHD kids in your school are the ones who can cope with it, the ones who can’t have already opted out. You cannot possibly say that a child you have not met would be ok or not - OP is much more likely to have an accurate read on that.

It’s a shame you didn’t know earlier as actually it sounds like a grammar school would be good for him. I wonder if you could try for in year entry at one and move if you got a place? My experiences is there are often a few asd kids who sound similar to your son, Sen provision is great at some, depends on school of course

We sent our ADHD son to a private school for similar reasons. It was a great decision. First, don’t hesitate to ask about the bursary, and just be upfront with what has happened. It’s not cheeky to ask. Second, lots of other families will be stretching themselves to afford it, and while he is likely to meet kids who have lifestyles you can’t match, there will be plenty of others who are in the same boat as you. Make up your minds right now that you are not offering to keep up with the Jones - being upfront and honest with your child about money is going to help him keep his head screwed on in this environment. Make sure he knows you are not apologising and you are not embarrassed that you don’t have as much spare cash as others, and be clear that you are well off yourselves compared with lots of other people. Third, you are getting in a bit of a twist about the extras. You will have to pay for his lunch, his clothing and his optional activities wherever he goes to school. if expensive overseas trips are offered, they will be optional, and for the moment he is unlikely to be able to go. There will be others who don’t go. Unless things have changed you are likely to be able to get second-hand uniform - there are often sales organised by Parents Associations. Even private school parents like to recycle and kids grow out of uniform. I realise things have changed since our day, but some things that state schools have to ask for a contribution for, come as included in private schools, so don’t assume that the extras are going to be huge.

Like what? We had huge extras bills each term! Music, dance. drama, etc. Sports coaching for some and transport for others. The fees are the start at some schools. Ours included meals and books but mouth guards, sports gear and musical instruments cost the parent . I guess dc can do next to nothing but why go private and not do what’s on offer?

No one has mentioned this on the thread yet but often bursaries (even partial bursaries) are limited to families under a certain household income. I've seen the figure £75k before for the threshold of gross household income. That's below average salaries for two parents working full time. So many pps have suggested that op ask for a bursary (and I do agree it's always worth asking) but realistically her household is probably over that figure.

It's tricky because realistically, private school is not affordable for household incomes below about £120k (or even more, especially for 2+ kids), so any household between £75k and £120k is priced out.

But as several have pointed out, we can't always get what we want.

OP apologies if you’ve clarified and I missed it - but did your LA refuse to assess for an EHCP, or did they refuse to award one following assessment? I don’t understand why you didn’t appeal the decision. Your son would be able to access more support - and you would have more flexibility regarding choosing the school itself - with an EHCP.

We went down the private school route for several years before the LA agreed to place DS1 in an independent special school. For those years at the private school we didn’t have the option of a mainstream state education. I think some people simply don’t understand that some children’s needs can’t be met in mainstream state schools.

Edit to add - just looked it up and the threshold for a partial bursary at my DC's school is 100k and for a full bursary, 45k.

100k is still fairly modest for a joint household income, that's just 50k per parent. My guess is that op and her dh probably earn more than 100k altogether but if not, might be worth asking about the bursary.

They also ask about your assets so if you have savings they expect you to use those.

And how would you feel if people felt that your own idiosyncrasies as a result of autism needed “parenting” rather than understanding?

There’s no need to insult the OP just to indulge your resentment about private schooling.

You’re getting some harsh responses on here. I understand - we sent my eldest to a small, nurturing private secondary school for the same reasons - she is autistic and for a few years selectively mute, but very bright - and for us it was the right decision. It was possible for us because I inherited enough for two years’ school fees from my grandma, and the rest we’ve covered ourselves by some serious budgeting and economising (we’ve stayed in our small house, done no home improvements, have an ancient car and all holidays are camping). We have no help from the school because she wouldn’t have coped with the scholarship process though she would probably have got an art one, and we earn just above the threshold for bursaries (which was £60k - but even then you have to score exceptionally highly in the entrance exams). We made clear from the start that we couldn’t afford school trips, extra activity costs etc, bought secondhand school uniform, and thankfully we’re spared lunch costs because school let her bring packed lunches due to her dietary needs. VAT feels so unfair, but she only has one more year to go and then will be going to state 6th form as luckily there are some very good ones nearby and her confidence has really come on in leaps and bounds. I don’t think it’s ever fair to bank on grandparents paying as anything can happen… if you want him to go, you need to focus on how you can make it happen yourselves, and anything else is a bonus. I hope you can work something out. I get that it’s frustrating about the grandparents’ contribution - but there may be factors you don’t know about and I think all you can do is be gracious and grateful for anything they’re able to offer.

I agree with @Prancingpickle . We all have to be taught how to navigate the world and get on with other people

DH is autistic and successful, he's grateful his parents didn't tuck him away from reality as a child. We all have to learn how to live in the world.

You agree with a post that’s been deleted by MN for breaking guidelines? You might like to think about that.

I don’t know what “living in the world” means. Everyone lives in the world, everyone has to deal with reality including ND people.

How far ND people can “learn to navigate” the world depends entirely on the degree to which they’re affected and on their particular presentation.

You seem to assume that what worked for DH would work for all ND people, and that couldn’t be more wrong.

In fact there’s a theme emerging on this thread that ND people can be “taught” to cope based on good parenting and forcing them into mainstream schools where the good ND students learn to swim and only the lazy/indulged ones sink and retreat into private or home/online schooling.

Perhaps that was the basis on which Labour disbanded many of the state special school to be absorbed into the mainstream under Ruth Kelly, who having done so promptly sent her DS to a private SEN school.

Of course. That goes without saying. But from her description about needing order and quiet, a high-achieving kid at a good state school might be OK. But obviously as his parent she'll know best--but just putting forward the idea that top sets at good state schools might work. If it is a choice between home schooling and a good state it might be worth considering state if they are very able. Totally not thinking I know the child better than their own parent.

Oh I really feel for you here OP. I was going to ask if you'd pursued the EHCP route, and to have the offer from grandparents at the point of being turned down (I'm assuming for the needs a assessment) would make sense as to why you didn't pursue it further. It's a massive undertaking to fight against a rejection, and possibly you were thinking it was better to fund it yourself than take from an already empty funding pot. This is fair, but you are still within your rights to try.

First off, call the school and explain about your change in circumstances. Tell them you'd like to reinvestigate the EHCP funding route and are wondering if there is any support they can give you with this. It may be advice and guidance or a bursary to cover the current shortfall. They are likely to have many other pupils on EHCP. If they don't it might be a sign that the school isn't as good a fit for your son as you think it is! But either way at this stage he probably needs to start there in September one way or another while you figure out what to do longer term.

Secondly, call the send department at your local council and, again, explain your circumstances. Tell them that you want to restart the EHCP process and that you're willing to make the application yourself directly rather than going through your son's current school because he is due to finish there very soon. The school are clearly mistaking need for academic ability, which is common, but wrong! If he needs to be in small class sizes and have extra pastoral support, those are not academic needs but they are still needs. It would be hard to argue otherwise given his double diagnosis.

To boost your confidence, you might like to look up the statutory guidance on what counts as a send need. It's basically anything that your child might need in addition to what the rest of the pupil population gets a standard in order for them to access education. It's a bit more complicated in your case because you've already found somewhere that you like and you're 3/4 of the way through the onboarding process, but it might be worth explaining that to the send team along with your financial predicament, so that they understand why you're continuing along the private route for now. Your son is still entitled to a local authority provided education irrespective of whether he starts at private school, it's just more unusual. Usually what happens if you get accepted for an EHCP is, when looking for the best option for your child, the local authority will consult with mainstream schools and alternative provision schools and if none of those work they go to the private schools list. The school you've picked for your son may be on this private school list - will keep fingers crossed for you that it is.

Please do not delay in starting the EHCP needs analysis process because changes are coming, and you don't want to get blocked by the impending overhaul.

Good luck and please keep us posted! X x x

There hasn't really been any explanation of why the OP is so convinced that her son couldn't cope in secondary.

That might turn out to be the case but I don't really understand the reason not to try.

It’s really not that uncommon and if they like your DC and they have been through the tests and offered a place they see him fitting in. Also, if they say no, you walk away, but at least you know you had tried.
i promise you this situation is not as unusual as it may seem.

Hi, I haven’t read through all the comments but PLEASE apply for a bursary. Call the registrar and advise them that you would struggle to pay. They have bursary packs for a reason. Worst the school can do is say no. You are not more likely to get a bursary if you have been there a year. There are thresholds for the bursary which you either meet or not. Good luck. 🤞🏻

OP doesn’t owe you an explanation, the thread is about the funding issue.

She seems to have had extremely negative school experiences herself - perhaps she sees herself in him? She has also been counselled against the local secondaries by primary school staff and by SEN parents who have removed their children from the secondaries. She also met the SENCOs and senior staff at the three options and was not reassured.

I mean, hopefully it's worrying over nothing but I can see that combination would be very discouraging.

I sent my AuDHD child to a mainstream comprehensive but only after a lot of research, two years obtaining an EHCP and I teach there too so I knew what I had been told was true.

Year 6 to 7 is such a minefield!

She can’t afford it so it’s pretty clear she needs to start being a little positive about state options.

My son is autistic and ADHD, currently in year 11, academically very able. I thought the transition from primary school to secondary would be awful, I didn’t think he would cope at all. He has absolutely thrived, enjoys school so much more than he ever did at primary school and his confidence has grown so much. He has lots of friends. I also know of some private schools where the bullying is awful, it’s not a guarantee of anything. I get the fear that goes with this transition, but you don’t actually know that the only way he can be happy is at private school

No, but I'm genuinely puzzled.

What do people think is likely to happen if the son tries out the state school? If it's obviously not working then they go back to the Plan B of home ed. Nothing is lost.

You don’t want her to be able to afford it that’s apparent, but she hasn’t enquired about bursaries or and look around for cheaper schools yet.

No-one has to be positive about state options. If she feels they won’t suit her child she has other options.