AIBU, Grandparents reduced Private School Fees Support at the Last Minute.

[LighthouseDreamz]

DS has ASD and ADHD, he is very academic. Between our family, we have discussed for many years that DS will need to attend a private secondary school, as he needs small classes and a school with good pastoral care and that is nurturing. His current class teacher agrees that he will thrive in a small environment and is unlikely to cope in a huge secondary school. Very kindly, DS’s grandparents offered to pay half of the fees, meaning myself and DH can just about afford the other half. They understood this to be approximately £13k a year.

DS has gone for the trial day and 11+ and been offered a place at the school. We’ve paid the £600 deposit as well as the fees for the exam and interview (£200). He was very excited to attend the school.

Yesterday, DS’s grandparents called and said that actually, having gone through their finances, they can only afford a third of the fees. This means that DH and I would be looking at covering £20k between us, which we just can’t afford.

Do I have a chance of getting the deposit back? Is it likely the school will be able to offer any sort of financial assistance or bursary or compassionate support?

My other option is to home educate DS but I literally know nothing about this area.

Definitely a bit crap of them unless you’ve blindsided them with the fees but surely you always needed a plan to be able to cover 100%? What if they needed to pay for care, or had a sudden unexpected expense, or died and their assets were locked in probate for an extended time?

You’re very pointedly avoiding the question of how much the grandparents will now contribute and how that compares to the £13k they were expecting to be giving. It’s impossible to say if YABU without this.

Honestly I wouldn't count on their money at all. See if they'd be willing to contribute towards a tutor or support within a normal school. They've already let you down before he's even started. They're not going to keep it up another 5-7 years. Rely on yourselves only and anything they give is a nice to have but not needed. He'll find it alot harder having to leave the school in 2 years when they realise they can't afford it anymore.

Do you work OP?

I only say this as you said one of your options was to home school.

If you do not work, getting a job would of course help the fees if private school is so important to you.

If you do work, you would have to quit your job to do this. You would also be out of pocket here due to this - would it be the same loss as the cost of private school would be to you anyway (if you see what I mean).

Well if 13k was a half and now they're offering a 3rd, they're offering between 8 and 9k. OP says it's less than a term so I'd say 8.

If DS is really not going to be able to cope then surely he has an EHCP that states this?

my DS is struggling at a normal high school, he too has ADHD and ASD but in someways I see it as a god introduction to the real world.

Many people did not foresee the Iran war and it's substantial cost of living rise that we have all been hit with. YABU not to have had back up plans and understand why they may now be rethinking their finances

Firstly, speak to school about scholarships and bursaries, they’re usually quite accommodating and will thoroughly assess your situation.

Secondly, keep in mind that fees will highly likely rise each year, usually by around 5%, so while it might be just in reach with help, is it affordable long term?. Plus, depending on the school, the fees rise as they get older, so a terms fees in y7 will be significantly lower than a terms fees in Y12

Can you ask the other set of grandparents for a third? Cheeky I know but what choice do you have?

I would imagine the bursary for the next academic year was allocated with the offers.

I wouldn't feel comfortable entering into such a heavy financial commitment where anything could go wrong before he completes his education tbh. It will be far worse for him if he has to abruptly leave the school because school fees are no longer available than if he never goes there in the first place. To be blunt you cannot afford it so it isn't an option as it isn't for the majority of parents.

What (other than small class sizes) is making you think this school is a good fit? I imagine all private schools are different but from what I've heard most aren't actually very good at managing additional needs and actively avoid admitting children with these needs.

I think you need to face reality. If he isn't going to cope at a mainstream secondary then you need to start trying to convince your LA of this.

All these professionals who are sure he couldn’t cope in a state secondary, what do they say to a family who couldn’t even contemplate many thousands of pounds a year on private? If you can’t afford it you’ll need to do what anyone else would do who couldn’t afford it. And the VAT was in place long before you got to this point. I feel for you if you feel you’ve been misled but it’s incredibly generous to offer you any money for private schooling.

Also, remember that you are only talking about the fees for the next academic year. Private school fees go up significantly each year. So unless their original offer was to always pay half regardless of of amount of fees and you had some wiggle room too by year 11 the fees will be much higher than they are now. Also fees for year 9 up tend to be higher than for year 7 and 8. If you cannot afford the extra now in year 7, I think it was probably optimistic to think that you would be able to maintain it for the next 5 or 7 years. I do understand your predicament, but I think it was probably not financially doable for you if you think the fees will remain the same for the next 5 years.

Tbh I think its risky to send him even if you can scrape two thirds of the fees, even with a bursary.

They are saying that they can't afford the original amount.

What I suspect they are actually saying is that they don't want to pay it at all.

But they don't want to actually say that and be the bad guys so they are partially walking it back with the hope that you'll bin off the idea and let them off the hook entirely.

If you go ahead and rely on any of their money, I strongly suspect you'll find yourself in a pickle in a few years because the financial support will dry up or fees will increase or job market will change and you'll need to change DSs school.

It doesn't sound like it was ever feasible if the margins were so tight

I'd bet scholarships information is a frequently asked question from the school's perspective, amongst people who haven't even applied let alone paid the deposit etc.

Please just ask them, it is not cheeky in the slightest and the worst you can get is a 'no' which is where you are at the moment anyway.

It really doesn’t seem like this is affordable and it’s a risky business to send a child to a school that you are not sure that you can afford.

So if grandparents were contributing £13k out of £26k fees but can now offer £8.5k, your own contribution "only" goes up by £4.5k. Surely your numbers weren't that tight to begin with? How were you planning to deal with fee increases?

It sounds like you can’t afford it even with help from the grandparents, have you factored in that fees will rise each year as well?
If professionals agree that he needs a smaller school and your son has an EHCP then you could have had a named school as part of this.

With their contribution we had a cushion to allow for this, we now have no cushion so we’d be basically on the cusp of affording the fees and wouldn’t be able to do anything if the fees went up or there was an extra trip or contribution.

£13k to £6k.

Hello! Teacher at an independent school who has recently sat in on a couple of the meetings to allocate bursaries. It isn’t cheeky at all and you’re fully expected to apply for a bursary before you start so they won’t think it strange at all. Tell them the story you’ve told us and apply for a bursary, fingers crossed for you x

Speak to the school bursar. They’ll ask for a lot of information - proof of income/outgoings etc. Hopefully they can provide a small discount that makes it manageable. Private schools are struggling to get the number at the mo so I dare say a pupil paying 1/2 fees is better than an empty space.

Also though - seriously look into other options. There are many children with extra needs who will simply not have the possibility of private school and they have to find provision. You might be pleasantly surprised by what you find.

Also the expensive trips aren't compulsory, not many kids from our school go on the annual ski trip and most schools have second hand shops for uniform. I would be concerned that you would have to pay a terms fees as notice though if you pulled out now as you've signed the contract.

Assuming these grandparents were middle class professionals they have probably taken a massive hit recently in terms of taxation so well meaning offers are now less likely to be fulfillable. If they are in their late 60s or 70s they will be very concerned about their quality of life decreasing before very old age kicks in.

What happens if you scrape through this year and then the fees go up?
or the grandparents decide they can’t afford to help at all?

Are you sure it’s in his best interests to start somewhere you can be certain he can stay? With all the upheaval that would entail