AIBU, Grandparents reduced Private School Fees Support at the Last Minute.

[LighthouseDreamz]

DS has ASD and ADHD, he is very academic. Between our family, we have discussed for many years that DS will need to attend a private secondary school, as he needs small classes and a school with good pastoral care and that is nurturing. His current class teacher agrees that he will thrive in a small environment and is unlikely to cope in a huge secondary school. Very kindly, DS’s grandparents offered to pay half of the fees, meaning myself and DH can just about afford the other half. They understood this to be approximately £13k a year.

DS has gone for the trial day and 11+ and been offered a place at the school. We’ve paid the £600 deposit as well as the fees for the exam and interview (£200). He was very excited to attend the school.

Yesterday, DS’s grandparents called and said that actually, having gone through their finances, they can only afford a third of the fees. This means that DH and I would be looking at covering £20k between us, which we just can’t afford.

Do I have a chance of getting the deposit back? Is it likely the school will be able to offer any sort of financial assistance or bursary or compassionate support?

My other option is to home educate DS but I literally know nothing about this area.

In honesty, he does not sound that unusual. Greater depth is just that…greater depth. Not a sign of a child prodigy.

I would do more research into all your local options. It cannot sensibly be a simple decision of this school, or no school.

But due to the current world issues, some private pensions and stocks and shares ISA’s have taken a nose dive.

I have friends react to retire and reporting they can’t because thousands have gone from their pension pot and from S&S investments.

Perhaps this is the case, currently GP’s are financially unstable at best and crippled at worst.

This is really harsh. The current school system is simply incompatible with the needs of some kids who, through no fault of their own cannot learn in the environment of a 240-per-year school which works perfectly fine for the majority of kids. Saying that those children should be able to access a different sort of school is quite obviously not saying they are more important than other kids. It’s saying their needs are different. In the current state system, the provision for these kids is often non existent and some of them will need private provision to get the educational support required to level the playing field and allow them to learn and access education - something to which all children are entitled. I’m glad for you that you obviously haven’t had to battle this system yourself, as it is utterly heartbreaking. OP is just trying to do what any decent parent would - she is trying to do her best for her child

My sister had this with ex in-laws. They were paying both sets of school fees and decided to pull the plug whilst the children were in prep school.

They had to be pulled out.

The grand parents offered again at secondary and my said absolutely no way. Was she risking that again.

My ds is leaving private at the end of this term and I cannot wait.

Everything has gone up so much in the time he has been there 5 years. His fees alone have gone from £1670 a month to £2341 a month!

Needless to say we haven't sent DD and we have felt guilty but we can no longer afford it.

Only commit if you are sure you can see it through. I think the angst of having to move them part way through is worse than them not ever starting.

But she has several children. She has to balance their needs. She cant plunge the family into poverty for this.

I advised OP to look at Grammar School if in the right area. We live in West Kent and there are many ND children that attend the schools.

Goodness what a nasty mind to assume such unpleasant intentions. There are surely many people whose ideas about what they can afford have changed dramatically recently.

Presumably the OP and her husband have been frantically saving since deciding private school was the only option? If we’d felt that way we would have been saving our portion of the fees for a few years to be sure we could do it.

Honestly this was always a fairly high risk strategy depending on elderly grandparents to fund a schooling option. Banking on them being able to pay 13k every year for 5 years given how quickly things can change as you get older was probably not wise. It also doesn't seem particularly fair to your other children if you expect their grandparents to direct all their resources to help one particular grandchild at the potential expense of the all the rest. Of course they should have looked in this properly and thought about it before offering and getting your hopes up but honestly better now than pulling him from a school he is settled in after a year.

I'd be annoyed too.

Are you parents aware of the effect it will have on your family?

I would advise against you taking on extra work. It is better for children to have parents present and well.

If you home Ed would you need to reduce your current employment,?

@LighthouseDreamz I think your best bet is to start making a plan for how you can make state school work. We all want the best for our children and every child is special and wonderful and deserving of the best educational and extracurricular experience. Your child is no more or less deserving than any other.

you need to get your head around him going to state. Think how you’ll support his social skills and build his resilience. Will you do extracurricular, could you get him some specific ND coaching? Work with him on social skills and why it’s often best to choose to ignore low level rule breaking and how to disclose quietly after the lesson if something serious.

but the notion that he’s somehow more deserving of a private education leaves a bad taste. What about the talented sportsman? The anxious and shy child? The ballerina or the astonishingly gifted child who will never have the opportunity to go to private school. They’re all deserving. So is the completely average middle of the road kid who would be pushed to their max potential and given bags of social capital and connections at public school.

in the nicest possible way - suck it up. In a large school the numbers are more on your side to find like minded friends!

If you think you might need to home educate but really would prefer a school to be sorting things out, have you considered paying for an online school such as Minerva Virtual Academy? Cheaper than you are quoting!

Sorry haven’t red full thread as I’m too tired.
Just wanted to say if I had my time over again there is no way in hell I would have sent my daughter to the local secondary school. I toured three, questioned sencos, asked parents etc -and frankly pretty much everything the school said they would do/were doing was lies after lies after lies.
I couldn’t work as I was at the damn school more often than some of the pupils.
Promises, plans, info sent to all staff ……happened multiple times and then back to shite again in a week.
Frankly with hindsight l would have sold a kidney rather than put her through that .
I don’t know if this will work but can you re apply for an EHCP and, if sucessful use that to offset some fees? Are you still in the Appeal period?

And, FWIW I would be fuckimg FURIOUS with the grandparents and if it was my mum who had offered and rescinded at this late stage I would be expecting her to raise money against her house if she didn’t have it in investments. Seriously-they have agreed on this &your son knows it. I wouldn’t be able to be civil I would be so upset.

Ignore the posters who are saying ‘just send him to the local comp, he will be fine/needs better parenting etc as they haven’t got a damn clue what they are on about.
good luck.

I'd suggest you home educate as the next several years will be a massive financial struggle otherwise, and you've also your younger children to consider.

High academic achievers often do very well being home educated. They can also take their GCSEs early and spread them out. Perhaps the GPs would consider putting a small contribution of £1K per year into a savings account (that you hold), to cover the cost of GCSEs when the time comes.

We are home educators, it was the best decision we made as school wouldn't have suited our eldest. She's doing her GCSEs early.

There are some good groups on Facebook to help you learn about home ed, honestly, a week or two of reading up on it, including the DoE EHE Guidelines, would really help you get your head around it all. You don't need to teach, you need to facilitate learning, so you need to provide the resources and opportunities, and your son as a high achiever should really be able to self-study at his own pace.

Lots of people approach home ed differently, so you can find the style that suits your son best of course. Also look up Home Ed Exam Wiki for learning about exam options.

Of course exams are not compulsory, but as your son is academic, it's likely better for him to do them. Despite the negative media portrayal, many home ed children go to university and become doctors, engineers, successful entrepreneurs etc.

ETA there's also a myth that parents need to give up their jobs to home educate, whilst that may be necessary in some instances, in most cases there will be a workaround. And remember that home ed doesn't have to follow a school day timetable or termtime.

Investments will go back up again. Theyre not down forever. Well hopefully not anyway.

How is it unforgivable if they don't have the money? What exactly do you expect them to do?

Honestly as someone whose child was a day girl at a very expensive school, you don’t want your kid to be the poor one whose family are so different to most of the others. You’ll give him an inferiority complex for life. Just get him into a good academic environment locally with families from the same socioeconomic backgrounds.

Not offering the first place, without doing the sums 😐

They absolutely won't do that, they will be very used to people asking about bursaries. They'll most likely send you forms to complete, which will be very detailed, but that's understandable. I would definitely get on it as soon as you can.

As grandparents we have had to reduce generally our financial help! Obviously not big cash that we have never offered,but we are not being as generous with paying for extra curricular clubs etc . We are very cash poor now in comparison with last year!
My adult children totally understand.

Hi OP, you poor thing having this happen at the last minute. What does your dh say? How have the GP explained themselves?

In my personal experience of state secondary schools and SEND; they are absolutely appalling. The amount of trauma caused to my oldest child has been horrendous. So my middle daughter with send now attends a private secondary and it absolutely kills us with the fees but 100% worth it. We are so lucky to have a 50% bursary but I just wanted to say check the rules on applying.
At our school there was a deadline to apply and it had to be for year 7. You couldn’t apply in later years unless something dramatic had changed for you.

Dont worry about being the poorest family there as some posters have said. We are the poorest family I would say and my daughter doesn’t have any problems at all.

That’s well cheeky

and I doubt they can lay their hands on £30k just like that

Have you explained to the grandparents what a difficult position they have put you in? If I was you I would put pressure on them to see if they can give you any more money; they might be persuadable and it’s worth a shot.

There are lots of other medications other than medikinet. What dose was he on? It can take a few trial of meds to find one that suits. And you be on the lookout for side effects and take them straight off meds if there's anything concerning.
They are less effective with audhd but still worth trying others.

Even on small doses (10mg) he was very anxious. He’s reluctant to try others now, it’s quite sweet as he says he likes his personality and the way he is and doesn’t want medication that will change who he is…