AIBU, Grandparents reduced Private School Fees Support at the Last Minute.

[LighthouseDreamz]

DS has ASD and ADHD, he is very academic. Between our family, we have discussed for many years that DS will need to attend a private secondary school, as he needs small classes and a school with good pastoral care and that is nurturing. His current class teacher agrees that he will thrive in a small environment and is unlikely to cope in a huge secondary school. Very kindly, DS’s grandparents offered to pay half of the fees, meaning myself and DH can just about afford the other half. They understood this to be approximately £13k a year.

DS has gone for the trial day and 11+ and been offered a place at the school. We’ve paid the £600 deposit as well as the fees for the exam and interview (£200). He was very excited to attend the school.

Yesterday, DS’s grandparents called and said that actually, having gone through their finances, they can only afford a third of the fees. This means that DH and I would be looking at covering £20k between us, which we just can’t afford.

Do I have a chance of getting the deposit back? Is it likely the school will be able to offer any sort of financial assistance or bursary or compassionate support?

My other option is to home educate DS but I literally know nothing about this area.

This is such an odd decision for a child who is already struggling socially. I get having home schooling as a backup but I don’t know why you wouldn’t at least try the best state option you’ve got locally, even for a short time. Especially if you can find one with a SEN unit.

Or pull out all the stops and use some
of the money you’re going to save and get an ECHP? There are schools for very academically able children with autism where he might thrive but without an ECHP you’ll probably never even know where they are.

What school has a 450 quid blazer? You need to name and shame.

I've just had a quick google and even Eton you can buy the tail coat from an approved uniform supplier for £165 and the overcoat for £230.

what about all the trips? What about the after school clubs?

School trips are not obligatory. Day trips and field trips are included in fees. After school clubs and sports are also included.

You have to ask for a bursary before you start. Our grand daughter is at a private school and her parents were specifically told they couldn’t apply for a bursary as she was already there.

And I've worked in public schools and no boy cares if another boy has a second hand blazer, in fact they'd never know because they get used as football posts and get covered in baked beans by the second day so none of them ever look new. The kids do sometimes care about other markers of wealth but definitely not the school blazer

I have read all your posts and if someone else has made this point then I apologise.

I get the sense your child is clever and his exams are important to you. However, school can be one small stage of a child’s educational life and from my experience, when you have a child with a disability, it is about taking one step at a time. Effectively, no matter how clever your child, the minimal Educational route to get to college for A levels is 6 GCSe,s. 2 A levels for a foundation course at University. (If this is the child preference) I had to ignore friends discussing their kids exams etc, as we had to see them as a stepping stone to the next level, getting the right life balance for our child, accepting the standard route for 90% of kids was not right for us.

My child had/has an ongoing chronic disability that has affected them since the age of 11. Educationally very bright but medical pain issues affecting their ability to cope in school. Resilient but poor attendance.

They ended up on online schooling, through the council, which I see you have completely discounted - as you don’t want them ‘ on a computer all day’ That is a huge generalisation. The classes also had SEND pupils, very small classes, a much shorter school day and only 4 days a week. We added sport and socialising in other ways. It was fantastic. They achieved enough GCSE to get to college, did minimal A levels and got a Masters at Uni. This takes alot of financial support all the way to the end of their education.

I appreciate not for everyone but with the financial pressure you are facing just to get through school, I would at least consider and review other options, including the online provision if your child cannot cope in a standard school. Personally I would try secondary school first and be open minded to other options if needed.

My child is now a young adult, working in a professional medical role, earning much more than me. ( with employers who makes some small reasonable adjustments) No one asks them how many GCSE,s they have or what route they took.

My son was at a well known private school. We bought most of his uniform in the secondhand hand clothing sales and he pinned his blazer together with safety pins.

I think you need more info from the grandparents. Is it £6k this year and then they will reassess? A guaranteed £6k every year he’s there? Or is it all dependent on their pension investments?
I agree with everyone else that it seems a very difficult (probably unrealistic) stretch.

Whereas there’s no bullying in state schools particularly of ASD kids.

Agree totally. Get him an EHCP and then look at specialist support or EOTAS.

Lots of posts about “my child didn’t meet the threshold for EHCP.”

THERE IS NO THRESHOLD FOR AN EHCP.

The law says that the LA must assess the child if they “have or may have a special educational need which may require provision in the form of an Education Health and Care Plan.” That’s it.

And if they require provision as identified through the assessment which can’t be ordinarily provided then there’s your EHCP.

as Someone working in education now but not a teacher, the focus for SEN students seems to be setting then up to deal with adult life. You seem to be protecting your son potentially based on your own experience of state school.
i fully appreciate you have done your research.
As ASD and ADHD are genetic have you considered the implications of your other children are ND? I know you say it’s a long way in the future but not that far off. And if one gets private school, why should the others not.

Have you considered moving to an area with a better state school with SEN provision? Might be cheaper in the long run

Where in SE are you? Im in SE and looking at secondaries (DC in prep currently but future planning!) 4 closest are between £28k-£35kpa. One, not too far afield, is only £18k pa. It’s more rural but has small classes and a great all rounder! It’s worth checking all the schools within a tolerable commuting distance under the circs.

Are you able to PM the £18k school?

You can’t afford it, end of. Lots of people want to send their kids private but can’t afford it. Your DS isn’t more deserving than anyone else.

I also find it hard to believe “all” private schools in your area cost 26k.

I don’t think if one goes to a private school all three of them have to but I do think a mother who isn’t present because she working two jobs, parents who are stressed and stretched too thin and choosing to he in a very precarious situation financially when you could otherwise he living quite comfortably are all likely to have a significant negative impact on your other children. And likely your ds too.

How do you plan on spending time with your very small children if you do take on a second job?

I'm sorry things haven't worked out the way you hoped, OP.

Your little boy sounds lovely and you obviously want the best for him.

I work in a secondary school.in France and have done for 30 years. The system is quite different but there are similaities.

I have noticed that the number of children with additional needs has increased enormously over that time. In my current school, which is in a leafy, affluent area, up to one third of the children in some classes now have some sort of 'plan' in place, usually involving adaptations for things such as dyslexia, adhd and so on.

I will say up front that France is not great with this (understatement) and can massively improve.

However I do believe some children are just not being taught resilience by their parents. I also believe that this is behind some of the mental health problems we see among teenagers.

Some parents expect us to provide the same level of nurturing care in a class environment as they provide at home. We're asked to tale into account the most bizarre requests sometimes (Marine needs to be able to do all her tests on blue paper because this colour calms her. Achille's psy says he must not be marked down if he doesn't answer the precise question as he can only perform well when he feels free to express himself freely. Rigid structure [essay question and expected format] makes him feel anxious).

It's just not possible, and I don't believe it is beneficial for the child in the long run. They need to learn how to rub along with others, how to develop a thicker skin, that not everyone thinks or behaves the way they do, that their every whim and desire cannot be satisfied. That sometimes we need to do things we find challenging or unintetesting. That we won't always get top marks.

We do our best to prevent and deal with bullying but it does unfortunately happen. Sadly, ND children are targeted more than others.

I'm rambling now. But this is to say that we can't protect our children from everything, however much we might like to. In my experience, facing a little adversity often allows children to exceed expectations, and allows them to develop more self-confidence than shielding them does.

I hope you find a solution that works for your family, in the long run. It might be that one of the local state schools you have discounted will allow your son to thrive, as long as you prepare and support him.

The best thing you can offer all of your children is a solid, happy marriage as the foundation of your family which gives them the confidence to go out and face the world.

I am not convinced that taking on a second job or burdening yourself with financial stress is a good way to achieve this.

There is a threshold/test/bar/whatever you want to call it for an EHCP. It is set out in section 37 of the Children and Families Act 2014, which states an EHCP must be issued if “it is necessary for special educational provision to be made for a child or young person in accordance with an EHC plan”. That isn’t the same as saying the threshold/test/bar/whatever phrase you want to use is e.g. being 2 years behind.

The threshold/test/bar/whatever you want to call it for an EHCNA is much lower. As you say it is “has or may have SEN, and it may be necessary for special educational provision to be made for the child or young person in accordance with an EHC plan” as set out in s36.

EOTAS/EOTIS is only legally possible if it is inappropriate for provision to be made in a school.

I sympathise, we can't afford private school so our hopes were pinned on DS getting a place at an autism base in a local school - he did get one though that's not gone as well as we hoped, but better than mainstream, as I couldn't see him lasting the first week!

I also contacted all the local secondary schools to discuss how they would accommodate his needs if he got a place there. None of them were reassuring, I was particularly disappointed by the response of our nearest school to questions about reasonable adjustments to the uniform.

Can the other set of grandparents help ?

This is a shame (understatement). Thinking practically is needed, ruminating over the disappointment and the GPs let down are not going to help. I like to try to think the best of people, maybe they went to their pension people and were told they have far less than they thought. Depends what kind of pension they have. Do they seem at all sorry or embarrassed about the situation?

Anyway, moving on. Need to look at your living expenses. What can you cut down on? I would be looking at no more holidays, selling what I can, organising fundraisers (noticed a kid at local scouts doing table sales to raise funds for a trip for example). Crowdfunding. Downgrade the car. Downsize the house. Switch to lidl. Basic examples but have a root through money saving expert for ideas. Might be a useless suggestion because it depends on your joint income and how much room there is for making cuts. You might already be living frugally.

Do GPs have any ability to take some equity out of their home or pension pot?
You could look at taking out a loan and prioritising getting a better paid job, depending on what it is you now do and if you feel there is a way to move up in salary.

Do you have any sellable skills, like tutoring?

Not cpping in mmainstream doesnt mean he needsvto go to private school [that you cant afford anyway] Concentrate your efforts on securing a good LA placement

Hi op, I sympathise as I had similar with my daughter and parents. To make up the extra funds I did dog boarding. Is that possibly for you? It helped so much in making up the money. For my son I home educated him as no school would have worked for his social needs and anxiety at all - so feel free to pm if you go that route and need advice on groups etc to join. I’m SE London where the home ed community is huge with so many home ed classes, day trips and groups etc…. Hope it all works out for you somehow.

Are you in a town beginning with F by chance with a very popular school that has great reuses but a reputation for not supporting SEN? If so, perhaps look at WH in a different but nearby town, although if he's in year 6 now and not at a feeder then that may be tricky.