AIBU, Grandparents reduced Private School Fees Support at the Last Minute.

[LighthouseDreamz]

DS has ASD and ADHD, he is very academic. Between our family, we have discussed for many years that DS will need to attend a private secondary school, as he needs small classes and a school with good pastoral care and that is nurturing. His current class teacher agrees that he will thrive in a small environment and is unlikely to cope in a huge secondary school. Very kindly, DS’s grandparents offered to pay half of the fees, meaning myself and DH can just about afford the other half. They understood this to be approximately £13k a year.

DS has gone for the trial day and 11+ and been offered a place at the school. We’ve paid the £600 deposit as well as the fees for the exam and interview (£200). He was very excited to attend the school.

Yesterday, DS’s grandparents called and said that actually, having gone through their finances, they can only afford a third of the fees. This means that DH and I would be looking at covering £20k between us, which we just can’t afford.

Do I have a chance of getting the deposit back? Is it likely the school will be able to offer any sort of financial assistance or bursary or compassionate support?

My other option is to home educate DS but I literally know nothing about this area.

What massive hit recently in taxation? If they're retired I don't think there have been many recent tax rises?

I think every student in the country deserves better than the average state secondary. And if you add in being highly academic + ASD + ADHD that raises the stakes.

If you can find a way out of the state system go for it.

I would absolutely talk to the school about a bursary and go from there.

Did you see my suggestion for online school as a compromise? There's some decent ones out there .
It would suit a self motivated child.

There's a cost but a fraction of what bricks and mortar private school would cost you.

You have at least two younger children - if it is this much of a struggle to put DS through private school then how will you afford two concurrently? A decade from now will just mean higher fees.

I'm with PPs who have said doing an evening job on top of a full time job is no solution when you have small kids to be present for.

Can you get a promotion with a significant payrise? Can DH? Any assets you can liquidate or equity to remortgage? If the answers to these are no, it just isn't viable.

And given the marriage is already under strain, and the DH works long hours then I think a 2nd job would just compound the stresses and not be good overall.for.the wider family.

I'd work out how much you really need over the next 7 years (not 5?) - unless he will have to go to state college / A levels?

Private school fees go up every year- as do the cost of trips etc. plus inflation etc etc if factor in anywhere between 6-9% increase.

Look at 'shocks' too- eg one (or both ..) of you lose your jobs.

Once you have this amount, then work out how you can pay for this.

GP (you have 2 sets....), remortgage, reduce pension payments, tight budget, extra jobs etc etc beware of IHT trap too for GP. Maybe tell both sets about changes to IHT and pensions that they will be taxed in April '27 under certain circumstances....

It's a maths problem - not a GP problem. It maybe that you simply cannot afford it- then you'll have to work out what you'll do next.

I knew a family who had one child. He attended boarding school with a part scholarship. (Recommendation of Ed Psych) after a year or so his father died & his mother had never worked. She managed to patch together enough from the school & from an educational charity to cover his fees. A few years later she died & his grandparents withdrew him from the school. I don’t know if that was by choice or necessity. Certainly his fees were covered for 2-3 years after his father died. There are advice services you could try & local charities. Many places have small charities relevant to certain situations.

So you have children with a gap of 10 years or more?

what if they want private school? You’ll have to do all of them

'My DC does deserve better than the state offering' come on OP it's really telling that this isn't about need it's about you feeling your son is too good for the local state. He's too special, the other children will all be mean bullies and he 'wouldn't cope'..... Millions upon millions of mums feel like this, desperate for something better than the standard offering for their child, because yes to all of us our child is that bit more special, that bit more sensitive, that bit more deserving....

The reality? You can't afford private school. Your son might be very special and 'deserving' to you but do you think every child is not deserving of a better standard of education? Your child is not more 'deserving' than any other child. Of course he would probably thrive a little more in a private school - what child wouldn't?! But that doesn't mean he won't manage ok in an ordinary school. He's clearly not struggled that much in state school so far given he's managing to achieve well despite few adjustments for SEND as he hasn't got an EHCP.

You really do need to accept you can't afford this. Especially when you have other children, you cannot pay for private for one and not the rest

Online schools don't necessarily require a child to sit in front of a screen all day. My DD does 8-3 one day a week and 8-1 the other days, so she has afternoons free for clubs, seeing friends, hobbies etc. The school day includes free periods where she does homework, and she mostly gets it done within those times because the small class sizes mean the teachers know the pupils really well and can be sure students are keeping up and understanding concepts. Don't write them off, especially if you go down the home ed route.

Do you earn less than £20k after tax? If you earn more than this you're going to end up short for other bills if you quit work to home educate as your household income will reduce by more from you not working than from you paying for independant education.

I do feel for you, we were in a similar situation in that our autistic child was barely coping in a small mainstream primary but definately wouldn't meet EHCP threashold as it's sensory, emotional and social, she's working in the top few in the class academically, and the 1600 pupil secondary would have likely been very overwhelming for them like it sadly is for a lot of young people, and we've heard of a lot of neurodiverse children having to pull out but also some really coming into their own at the local secondary. Both of us earn more than the fees cost, so home ed wasn't a sensible economic choice for us regardless of the fact I don't think it would benefit her social skills which need more exposure than the average child for her to over time begin to understand nuance, humor, social cues and so on. We have ended up paying for independant education, we're not a 6 figure income household but we work more than 120 hours a week between us to make it happen. It's an academically selective, mainstream independant and she is very happy and doing well socially and academically, the small classes, the fact that her passionate interests are supported not sneered at among her peers, the teachers who are available lunchtimes and over emails when she's unsure, the zero tolerance of bullying (when one kid did decide to mock her autism he was pulled in front of the head straight away and told if he mocked another child's disability again he would be asked to leave the school and there would be no second warning, 3 kids have been asked to leave from her year in 2 years because their behaviour doesn't uphold school values), it's been worth it but good grief it's a financial commitment. I say this only because there has been quite a bit of negativity on your thread about assuming private is better for a neurodiverse child, I think both state and independant can be brilliant or awful and it entirely depends on getting a good fit between your child and the school, and the way the school is run and the values they have. If you truely believe this school is the best fit for your child then you need to explore every option to make it work, sadly it's not always possible but you certainly wouldn't be the only parent at the school who've traded their car in for a 16 year old runabout, has a second job or goes without holidays for 7 years to make it work.

Unless you can afford this every single year and for all your other children. Remember you have to be able to afford all the rest. Most uniforms can cost over £1000 at the schools here.

I do think though you’ll have to do it fo them all.

remember if you go for a bursary it must be every year. What if he goes for 2 years and then the school say can’t do it anymore. You’ll be happy for him to leave?

what about all the trips? What about the after school clubs?

The DGP’s may think they need to do this too.

At least this has happened now and not a year or two down the line.

Indeed it would, I forgot to add that you were expecting to pay yourselves for 5 years.

so 2 years at 13k from grandparents.

year 3 is the 4K leftover plus the extra money you were planning on spending on years 10&11 yourself.

you can still fund 3 years, all ok ks3.

You don’t say where you are in the south east and there may be better state options a bit further away. Some schools do manage SEN very well, some schools deal with bullying well and others don’t, both private and state. For example there are two schools in my town, but there are lots more within a reasonable commuting distance. DD’s school is known locally for being good with SEN for example and attracts from a wide area although oversubscribed. So it may be worth casting your net further afield and seeing what else is out there. You could get on waiting lists and get some appeals in if the schools are full. If you’re near other local authorities then look over the border and see if things are different.

Don’t forget you in all of this, taking an extra evening job may seem like a logical solution but if you are already juggling, you are adding to the pressure on you and your kids need you. If it starts getting too much you can’t just quit if school fees are relying on it. Whilst you want to do the best thing for your son - you are important too.

OP, apologies for the capital letters but you’re just not getting this.

YOU CAN’T AFFORD PRIVATE EDUCATION.

Accept this and move on to a more viable and realistic alternatives.

If they are retired Boomers then market turmoil probably won’t have affected them much, if at all. They will either have gold plated DB pensions or annuities, plus triple locked state pensions, and none of those are impacted. But even if they are Boomers with wealth-managed pension assets or any DC pension pots, they will have been moved out of equities into lower risk assets as they approached retirement. I would not feel too sorry for most retirees right now.

Sorry to hear this OP, appreciate the change of amount puts a spanner in there! Anyway just to say have you had an educational
psychologist assess your son? That may help you work out the best plan either to show the private school is necessary or what else may work. EP should also be helpful in terms of whether an EHCP is actually necessary (rather than the no the council will automatically give..).

Many people feel like this because state schools, with a few exceptions, are not particularly good. This case isn’t about being special, it’s about being ASD. It’s ridiculous to tell OP that her child will cope ok given that you’ve never met them.

Depending on where you are in the south east, it may be worth looking at other independent schools with smaller fees. My ds went through private from year 5 to year 13, the schools weren't the massive fees ones and he went through on a 100% bursary, so it can be done, but, time is definitely of the essence so you need to be contacting the bursar asap before the funds have been allocated. The school is unlikely to withdraw the place, however you don't want to end up contracted to pay a terms fees if you really can't afford for him to go.

Calm down, the reality is that it is fiendishly difficult to get an LA to cough up for private school fees, they will literally try any other option first. There are loads of kids with EHCPs in mainstream too, which seems to get overlooked.

I agree with all of this.

Oh yes. My friend had a child who went on a bursary.

got bullied relentlessly because they couldn’t afford the designer clothes and bags they did and couldn’t afford the horse and polo lessons or indeed any out of school clubs and couldn’t afford the skiing in France and Canada. I know one trip they went to the Bahamas!

so although they had some school fees paid it was the little bits. The fact that they couldn’t afford the £450 blazer so got a second hand one and things like that….

fortunately the school pulled the rug in the fees 3 years in, at the time they were devastated but it was a blessing!! She explained how she hated it and went to a state school and flourished!

I don't think she wants practical advice, she's decided he's going to private school and that's that (even though they can't afford it)

Have you appealed the refusal of EHCP?
Councils often refuse hoping you leave them in peace but if you appeal ….
I would ask at the school about bursaries but I would be very careful with planning to make sure that you could sustain fees. Once in your DS would be very upset to leave.
Also it looks like it’s your DS but not your DH’s so there is potential for other conflicts.