AIBU to feel unable to take in partner’s nephew right now?

[Flossyrocks]

Little bit of back story - we’ve been together 3 years and I have 2 children from a previous relationship. I’m pregnant with our first baby and we are renovating a house which only has 2 bedrooms and are relying on planning permission being accepted. Which I know in itself is not the wisest decision. My DPs sister is probably going to lose custody of her DS(10) and my partner is the only one who can take him in without him going in to care. Of course I am not advocating for him to be put into care. And I want my DP to have a clear conscious so I have put no pressure on the situation. Just been there and supported him best I can. The nephew is a really difficult child through no fault of his own but this does effect my children. He can be really malicious amongst other things and causes a lot of stress. I really don’t feel like I can take him on. Especially being pregnant, with my 2 DCs and the bedroom situation in the new house. Am I a total bitch? I would never ever expect him to put his nephew into care, in my current state of mind I feel like we are going to have to separate. I know resentment is a killer and either way this would be an extremely difficult situation

I understand your reasoning and reluctance but the poor kid needs his family to look after him. I don’t think you’ll forgive yourself if he goes into care.

Your partner needs to live somewhere else with his nephew or the child goes into care. There aren't alternative choices. You can't put a child in this situation in the same bedroom as your children and your baby will need to be in a bedroom with you.

I suspect it will be taken out your hands, social care are unlikely to let him come to such a over crowded house anyway. It isn't as simple as you 'taking him' you need to be assessed as suitable.

Prioritise yourself and your kids- they likely would not benefit from living with two unrelated males.
You safeguard your financial independence and co-parent with your boyfriend. Win/win.

@Jap26 apparently they make allowances for family situations

Never put your children at risk due to taking on a man’s difficult child.

i have a tricky one and would never expect him to love my child like I do.

I couldn’t see the boy go into care but you’ve already got your hands (and house!) full with the dc you have. Would it be acceptable to you for your dp to live separately with this boy for a time until you can sort something more permanent? I understand it’s difficult with the pregnancy. This is very important, a decision which could change the course of an innocent boy’s life.

I would advise your partner if he’s prepared to step up to prioritise his nephew. Shit for you all but if that’s the choice that’s the choice.

you can’t play happy families in this situation

I can’t see how you can take him in.

I think the comments suggesting your partner prioritise his nephew over his own child are bonkers.

@SemperIdem part of me agrees but I just don’t think our relationship would survive the resentment

They do. You and your children are not his family, only his uncle is related. They will not put the child in a house where he would need to share a room with two other children.

(can't edit my post now but by win/win, I meant OPs financial security and her kids are of utmost priority. Her boyfriend can figure out housing and raising his traumatised relative- that's on him.
Living in two houses would be best.)

None of this seems fair on the current children at all, any of them

His own child isn't born yet. The house has planning permission and under going renovations. When there is a room for the nephew then they can move back in.

It’s obviously a really difficult situation and I wish you the best with it all, but especially the rest of your pregnancy.

Have you read what the op has shared about the boys behaviour? This isn’t simply a space issue and he is not the only child who matters.

Is it likely to be a short term thing? Few months or so?

what does your DP want to do? And if he's for it how does he propose to over come the massive issues bringing the nephew into your home?

Not sure how you are going to manage your existing family, new baby, renovations and a traumatised 10 year old.

is there any scope for DPand nephew living elsewhere ? for a time?

what external support will you guys and nephew get? You will need loads.

I don't think I could disrupt my existing children's lives further by bringing this boy into their home.

I think if you say yes, okay let's do it you will regret it.

could you keep up a relationship of he does go into care?

is there literally no one else?

But that's not what she is suggesting is the solution, she's suggesting they separate so DO can take him in.

@Flossyrocks

it does sound like it would be a very difficult thing to do, to take him into your family right now.

However, you separating doesn't seem like a good option either. Would it be possible to make some pigged changes? Such as DP working shorter/different hours so he's home pretty much whenever DN is home?

Maybe cresting a sleeping space for DN in the dining/living room. Something like a bunk bed where you can put the ladder onto the top bunk when he's at school so you don't lose space under it for your younger ones to play.& with a heavy curtain he can pull across/around it when he wants some private chill out time.

you may find if he lives with you & feels wanted & safe his behaviour towards your two changes.

i would try it myself in a 'we can do this together, but DP. must pull his weight. .he can't just leave it to you.

and ultimately if you can't make it work then you can separate later on, if you can't sort out a better solution.

at the moment, as it is, he would be forced to choose between staying with you & your kids/the baby OR separating & taking on his nephew. 😥.

woukd he even be able to do it alone? Time wise with work & financially??

Which is why his uncle needs to move elsewhere. Having a stable family life can make a huge difference to a 10 year old child. Losing custody of a child doesn't happen overnight.

@snowibunni i think it will be permanent. The boy has been put through so much.
DP wants to have him so he doesn’t go into care. He just doesn’t see any of the issues I see. He says his nephew can sleep on the sofa till the extension is built. Which will probably be another year from now by the time it’s completed. He has no family left and all my family are quite along way away and a bit estranged. We live in my house at the moment and the new house belongs to him.
I rent and I do need to leave in a few months so I don’t know where we will go now.

@ILoveDaffodills He will get kinship payment for his nephew.

Also, the house move means my DCs will be moving school, so its not an option to see how it works out. When we move it needs to be permanent

They definitely do. They'd probably say it was acceptable if he had to sleep in the bath tub! There isn't exactly an abundance if foster care for 10year old boys 😥

@ILoveDaffodills he runs a business so working hours and finances are not an issue for him

It's not a good idea to become dependent on a man for housing, if you're not married and not on the deeds you'd be making you and your kids extremely vulnerable.