AIBU to feel unable to take in partner’s nephew right now?

[Flossyrocks]

Little bit of back story - we’ve been together 3 years and I have 2 children from a previous relationship. I’m pregnant with our first baby and we are renovating a house which only has 2 bedrooms and are relying on planning permission being accepted. Which I know in itself is not the wisest decision. My DPs sister is probably going to lose custody of her DS(10) and my partner is the only one who can take him in without him going in to care. Of course I am not advocating for him to be put into care. And I want my DP to have a clear conscious so I have put no pressure on the situation. Just been there and supported him best I can. The nephew is a really difficult child through no fault of his own but this does effect my children. He can be really malicious amongst other things and causes a lot of stress. I really don’t feel like I can take him on. Especially being pregnant, with my 2 DCs and the bedroom situation in the new house. Am I a total bitch? I would never ever expect him to put his nephew into care, in my current state of mind I feel like we are going to have to separate. I know resentment is a killer and either way this would be an extremely difficult situation

Tricky situation, your partner is living with your 2 children who aren’t related to him but you don’t want a child unrelated to you. Seems hypocritical to me. Your partner needs to put his own flesh and blood before yours.

I don’t think it’s about “flesh and blood” but rather about this child’s unfortunate situation causing him to have behavioural issues

I don’t think you’d be allowed the boy anyway. Normally they would require he have his own room.

Also Ss won’t care too much about your children. They are not on their books.

But this lad will need a proper bed and privacy and you guys cannot provide that.

You will also be grilled and they should pick up on your not wanting to do this.

There should really be a way much like organ donors where privately and confidentially you can say you don’t want to do it.

Then they can come back with as an entire family unit you have not been deemed suitable. However if your dp wishes to apply alone with his own property he could try. Would remove the pressure from hesitant partners in these situations and place the ball very very firmly and fully in the other adults court knowing they would be expected to do all the work not palming any off onto the wife.

He has a child of his own on its way - his own 'flesh and blood', that has not currently considering. Nephew doesn't come first, unborn child has to.

For the time-being @Flossyrocks , you have your own place with your DC where they are settled in school and your DP have the new place where he can stay with his nephew.

It sounds like the best option will be to put your plans together on hold for now to focus on what is best for all the children.

I think it's possible to want to help but feel unable to. There are no easy answers. It's not hypocritical - your partner felt able to take on your two children, you don't feel about able to take on a fourth. That's ok.

I sometimes worry about my daughter and if for some reason her dad and I weren't able to take care of her and raise her and all I know is that I wouldn't want someone taking her on half-heartedly. I would want her to go to someone who wants her and the best for her. That's in an ideal world of course - in reality people often take children that aren't theirs on out of a sense of duty or obligation. Your nephew is the same age as my daughter and the thought of someone resenting her in their lives is horrible. But so is the thought of her in care.

I don't think it's fair or right for anyone to judge you. But if your husband wants to care for his nephew, the only question is whether you are a part of that. He can't make the decision to take him on and then leave him to be your responsibility.

However horrible he is, I feel sorry for this kid. I personally would step up and make it work.

It’s the wrong move for your family right now, which is sad but the truth. This child will carry extensive trauma and need a lot of support which will fall to you as your partner works long hours. You’ll also risk the health and happiness of your own children, which you shouldn’t do.

i would say in the future you may be able to care for him, but right now it’s a no.

You have to say a hard no now. This has disaster written all over it!

This kid might settle but he might never settle and his behaviour could get worse instead of better taking your own kids behaviour with it and for what? Some Disney image your DP has in his head when a good placement where your DP and any of you can visit him every day if you want to, would likely be better all round in the end.

How would you make it work? It's one thing to say so, but at the bare minimum they need a plan around practicalities.

What do people think will happen with this child if his uncle doesn't take him in?

My concern would be that if DN makes things very difficult at home for your two children their dad will step in and apply to have them with him full time. How much of the parenting would your DP actually do and how much would fall to you, especially when you're on maternity leave? How do you feel about having social services visiting regularly, at least to start with?

The support available for kinship carers from social services is really poor, as is the support for the child. You could contact Kinship Carers UK to get more information and hopefully help DP have a more realistic view about the level of support DN will need and the fact it will all be coming from you two because it doesn't really exist externally.

You do know there'd be an assessment to assess suitability? It's not just a case of your partner saying nephew can live with you & that's that. You'll be assessed as a couple, & given your situation it's not a given that the assessment will be positive. You need to make sure you're 100% open & honest about your concerns otherwise it's not fair on the child. Your assessment is about whether you can meet all of his needs, & his needs are likely to be significant. The impact on other children in the household will be addressed too. It's not fair on nephew being placed somewhere that isn't right for him. Hopefully the assessing social worker will be able to get this across to your partner so his decision can be fact based & not an emotional one due to family loyalty.

This. Your partner wants to help his nephew. You don't have to want to take on his nephew. In fact, there's nothing wrong with you deciding that you'd split if he takes on his nephew, but be honest that you see sacrificing your relationship and breaking up your children's home as a better option than being part of taking on the nephew. Also remember that, if you split, your children will most probably spend time with their dad without you, so they will still see the nephew.

I’d only agree if DP is the default parent and does all the extra work needed to look after a traumatised 10 year old. He’d likely have to cut his working hours to part time.

This poor child doesn’t just need a roof over his head, he’s going to need lots of love, time and patience.

Focussing on the children- it would be best for the nephew to just be with his uncle - he needs to build a stronger bond and it will be hard to do that whatever the living situation.
It is best for OP’s children to not live with the nephew straight away as any negative behaviour and experiences will stick in their minds and create resentment.
The nephew needs a chance to settle and adjust to life with his uncle. It is going to be a difficult path anyway with DP’s sister and possibly other family around.
My understanding of kinship care arrangements was that the child involved needs their own room - so I would be surprised if an arrangement where nephew was to sleep on a sofa would be agreed anyway. Definitely worth clarifying before any drastic decisions are made.
The wedding could go ahead - but need to give it 6 months to a year before considering all living together. My advice to OP is get another rented home to buy everyone some time to make adjustments and then make the best decision for all involved.

He’s a little boy - he can still be shaped. Maybe with love - lots of love - and encouragement he can turn around. I would want to try.

Your partner's nephew already has behavioural issues, due to his upbringing. Those issues aren't going to magically disappear, if he comes to live with your partner (regardless if you're living there or not). In fact those behavioural issues will ramp up, boundaries will be tested to the extreme and the nephew is going to need a huge amount of therapy. Your partner will need to give a lot of his time to his nephew, be consistent and show him that he's not only going to be there for him (no matter what) but he loves him.

The nephew needs his own space; his own space can't be a sofa in the lounge. I'd be surprised if SS deem this suitable for a child and it's hardly going to make him feel secure, if a bedroom can't even be provided.

Your partner is massively underestimating the level of support his nephew will need. If your partner doesn't go into this with his eyes fully open, and understanding, it will go pear-shaped very quickly (regardless of you're there or not). This is a man who doesn't have any experience of children, let alone traumatised ones. He's being worryingly naive.

How is your partner going to have the time to devote to a troubled 10 year old and a newborn, plus working??? His time will be taken up by his nephew. Or is he planning for you to be looking after 4 children???

Which would be worse for his nephew.....coming to live with his uncle, and then having to go into care because he can't cope or going straight into care? Neither scenario is great, but it would be far worse to have to go into care, if your partner finds he can't cope.

Your priority has to be your own two children and your unborn baby. You can see the pitfalls, your partner is looking through rose-tinted glasses, and can't.

I don’t think moving his dn into a home where the majority will not want him is a positive move for anyone. In a couple of year he will be a teen and his behaviour likely more difficult. Presumably his father is not around? Family on that side? What kind of relationship does your p have with him? He cannot sleep on a sofa in a small house. He is minimising the impact on you, assuming that he will fit in with your dc and be his mate. If p had had a child of this age , for whom he suddenly had fulltime care what would you think? How much parenting does he do in your family , presumably you do most for your dc and will probably continue with the baby. For ss kinship care is and easier and cheaper solution, but reality can be a lack of support for the family unit

Second this. You’d never forgive yourself if he went into care. Maybe things have changed but I’ve known people who’ve been in care and are damaged.

I'm going to be told I'm being unkind, but in reality I believe a lot of this is down to poor decision making I'm afraid. Two children was enough, you didn't need to create a new one when you don't have a home that would accommodate all of them.
I couldn't let a child go into care if at all possible, but it doesn't sound like you are even stable in your relationship. His nephew is going to need a lot of support and then a new baby isn't going to help. I don't know the right answer really. Sadly, I think all the children involved are going to have a tough time due to some not great choices being made.

Could CAHMS or other medical authority offer therapy for your DP’s nephew?

There's absolutely nothing to suggest this. Jesus Christ.

I think that is the right decision. However, your partner will be entitled to access with your new baby and his nephew will be present. Your partner isn't an experienced parent so you need to come up with a plan for him to see his baby while keeping the baby safe. I would encourage you to see a solicitor to work out a plan for access.

If your rental is coming to an end, could you not rent nearer to your partners house. He can concentrate on building a parental role with his nephew and your children can settle into their new school. This shows willing on your part and would give you more breathing space until the extensions completed. You can then blend at a slower pace. What on earth would you do if the planning didn't get approved.