AIBU to feel unable to take in partner’s nephew right now?

[Flossyrocks]

Little bit of back story - we’ve been together 3 years and I have 2 children from a previous relationship. I’m pregnant with our first baby and we are renovating a house which only has 2 bedrooms and are relying on planning permission being accepted. Which I know in itself is not the wisest decision. My DPs sister is probably going to lose custody of her DS(10) and my partner is the only one who can take him in without him going in to care. Of course I am not advocating for him to be put into care. And I want my DP to have a clear conscious so I have put no pressure on the situation. Just been there and supported him best I can. The nephew is a really difficult child through no fault of his own but this does effect my children. He can be really malicious amongst other things and causes a lot of stress. I really don’t feel like I can take him on. Especially being pregnant, with my 2 DCs and the bedroom situation in the new house. Am I a total bitch? I would never ever expect him to put his nephew into care, in my current state of mind I feel like we are going to have to separate. I know resentment is a killer and either way this would be an extremely difficult situation

@dapsnotplimsolls yes. Every other weekend

Better separated and caring for and protecting your own children than your children in an unbearable situation. Do not do it. It is not your job or your duty. Looking after your own children, however, is.

And that is the answer, and the answer is no.

OK, so if you live separately, you could stay with DP and DN at those times.

Well that's certainly helpful!

Is DN's Dad on the scene at all?

@dapsnotplimsolls nope, never had anything to do with him

But he lives with the OP in hers, that's not running two separate households.

If you want to stay together then do.
He lives in the 2 bedroom with his nephew and you continue to rent with your 3 children.

Even without the nephew, if you dont get planning permission what happens then?. 3 kids, 2 adults in a 2 bed. No thanks

Yeah right on the verge of being a reenager🙄

He's TEN, 3 years until he's a teenager. 1/3rd of his life so far, practically.

a good while for him to feel secure, loved & have a decent family life, IF someone steps up.

It sounds like he has taken on two of your children. It is unfortunate that you feel you can not take on his child, his nephew, now. If you don't feel you can I think you should separate and let him look after his nephew.

I doubt if this is likely, though.

He's had a very difficult start to his life.
The OP's other children will suffer when he's foisted on them.
The baby won't know anything different, but the older two children definitely will. Their lives will implode, having this disturbed boy added to the family dynamic.

@Flossyrocks I don't know the solution, but your fiance is not being realistic here.

@Bourneyesterday yes he has. But my children are not traumatised and he has no children of his own for them to pose a risk to. He made a choice to do so. And I feel like my choice has somewhat been taken out of my hands. I can’t win really

Just separate then. Don't be the reason a boy with an uncle willing to look after him is left to the care system.

I can’t see any other solution except for you to live separately, at least for a while. Going into care would be awful for the boy, and if it were my nephew there is not a chance I would let him go.

But think of the upheaval your two kids have already suffered and what this will do to them. In the space of only three years you have moved a new partner into their home, become pregnant with another child, and you are about to move them to a different home, and a different school. They must already feel so unsettled. Add to the mix a troubled boy. You’ll be going from two kids to four, in a two-bedroom home. Disaster all around.

Ditch the renovation project and just live separately while everyone settles into a new life, then consider trying to blend in a couple of years or so.

Sorry, what I mean is that is what I would do. You should obviously do what is right for you, your children and your partner and the boy and it is none of my business. Got carried away with the giving your opinion part of the thread.

As a foster carer I always notice how being "in care" is written as the worst possible option for any child that cannot live with their parents. I think it is often preferrable to live with extended family who do not wholeheartedly wish to take on the care of their young relative.

Tonight we had a pre Easter get together with our own adult children and current foster children. Five other young people who we had fostered and are now adult also came with their own partners and children too. We could not have a better relationship and they will always be part of our family. And looking at them and seeing their happy and successful lives, it does seem as if being "in care" was too much of a negative, Of course we have had some nightmares too (though usually down to social workers!!). So I really do not feel that your partner's nephew will be necessarily damaged, and he can have a good childhood in care.

I would however say that children I have fostered because aunts and uncles cannot care for them full time, is often a huge emotional issue for an older child and they may well hold resentment for a long time. Ironically often more resentment than at their own parents. I know one of our current children does but hopefully when he reaches adulthood he will understand, most do.

I wish the child, and you, well whatever the final decision.

This is very much an issue you can cancel a wedding for.

In fact, it's entirely possible his behavior will worsen with all the disruption of moving to you, even if a safer move for him
Its likely worsen before any improvement

Your DP has his head in the sand Op, he doesn't want to see how this could impact your DC. If he really wants to take his DN in then he needs to be the one making it work by accepting you'll live apart and he'll be the one doing the parenting

It's lovely you are a great foster parent, unfortunately (as you well know) very few children end up in a loving family home & this can lead a 10yo boy down the entirely wrong path in life.

sorry If you've said but what's the bad behaviour he's displaying and is that why he's being separated from his mum? Or is he reacting to things he's been around?

I think that would influence my decision mostly. And is his mum on board with him being removed or will you get grief from her if you take him in? It's a horribly hard choice to make.

This. It’s just not possible. Are people really suggesting that the OP’s new baby should live without their father, while he looks after someone else’s child.

@AlwaysTheRenegade his bad behaviour is definitely down to the way he’s been treated by his mother. Extreme rudeness and blatant disregard for others, he’s said some really nasty things when we’ve looked after him before which he’s obviously heard from his mum or whoever she’s had around him. Some of the things he’s come out with that he thinks are normal is scary. There will definitely be grief from mum. She doesn’t want him but she doesn’t want to lose custody either. I imagine that’s a financial thing

@Toddlerteaplease but if he doesn’t take his nephew, it will be because of me, and how can we navigate that. He will hold it against me forever