AIBU to feel unable to take in partner’s nephew right now?

[Flossyrocks]

Little bit of back story - we’ve been together 3 years and I have 2 children from a previous relationship. I’m pregnant with our first baby and we are renovating a house which only has 2 bedrooms and are relying on planning permission being accepted. Which I know in itself is not the wisest decision. My DPs sister is probably going to lose custody of her DS(10) and my partner is the only one who can take him in without him going in to care. Of course I am not advocating for him to be put into care. And I want my DP to have a clear conscious so I have put no pressure on the situation. Just been there and supported him best I can. The nephew is a really difficult child through no fault of his own but this does effect my children. He can be really malicious amongst other things and causes a lot of stress. I really don’t feel like I can take him on. Especially being pregnant, with my 2 DCs and the bedroom situation in the new house. Am I a total bitch? I would never ever expect him to put his nephew into care, in my current state of mind I feel like we are going to have to separate. I know resentment is a killer and either way this would be an extremely difficult situation

@DalmationalAnthem were meant to be getting married in a couple of months. It’s all planned

I didn't think that was a given? And depended on council policy etc

So his own child never gets to live with their father full time? What about that child and having a “stable family life”?

Why on earth for? do you really think this any of this is healthy for your children?

You need to move in a few months so you have time to find somewhere else to rent for you and your children @Flossyrocks. Your DP already has a house he can live in with his nephew.
Your original post made it sound like you were already living in a two bedroom house that you owned.

@PollyBell well the wedding was planned quite a while before all this came to light!

The existing children don't live with their father full time. A baby isn't going to notice. By the time the baby is a toddler, the nephew will be settled.

The only answer here is that you separate and he lives with his nephew I think. You can’t take him in with the children who already live there - and baby on the way - but neither could your DH watch his nephew go into care.

DH comes to see the baby at yours.

I know that, but it still might not be enough for them to run two separate homes and DP to reduce his hours.

Informal care it isn't a given, done through social services is a different matter.

I don’t think you should

They are already running two separate homes, DP owns the house, OP rents hers.

Your D P needs a plan . His DN is not going to get over trauma by sleeping on the sofa.

he's not thinking straight. He's prioritising his nephew over his own child.

I can see.a.scenario where you take in the boy, you give birth and then you are the defacto carer whether you like it or not.

And how is this cramped space going to work for you as a post partum mother? It's going to be hard enough as it is.

@snowibunni this is exactly what I said, but he is just refusing to acknowledge it. He’s totally in denial and thinks there will be no issue with the set up

Cancel the wedding. Ensuring your children have a home is more important. Keeping your finances separate for the sake of your children is more important.

He says his nephew can sleep on the sofa till the extension is built.

So how are you going to spend your evenings after he goes to bed?

Crisis posts everywhere 🙇🏻‍♀️

but you're renting & have to move anyway, so what is there to stop you renting a bigger place together? Or him living in the new place & you renting a smaller place until the extension is built.

how old are you two?

if you don't want to be with him if he takes his nephew on that's your right, but best to just say that, than just say it's unworkable.

@ILoveDaffodills It looks like I am going to have to find somewhere new to rent anyway. If there is anything left to salvage by the time the extensions built then we could discuss that then.

He won’t be “settled” will he, if there are behavioural issues now they are not going to magically disappear.

That's because be hasn't got a child of his own yet.
His baby (your third baby) has yet to be born.

He won't see that your existing children (and his own baby) will be very seriously and negatively impacted by the addition of a disturbed older boy, who is on the verge of becoming a teenager.

Is there a friend/ mentor who can who can discuss it with your DP? To help him see what he's asking of you and his unborn child?I

he is going to have to come to the conclusion it's not workable himself.

you though do have autonomy to take decisions on behalf of yourself and all of your children.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne this is the bottom line really. It’s just not a risk I think I can take

Horrible situation but I think you'll have to live apart until you feel confident about living with the boy.

Honestly op - you must prioritise your children here. Do not marry your partner, do not give up having a separate home.

Do your kids see their Dad?