AIBU to feel unable to take in partner’s nephew right now?

[Flossyrocks]

Little bit of back story - we’ve been together 3 years and I have 2 children from a previous relationship. I’m pregnant with our first baby and we are renovating a house which only has 2 bedrooms and are relying on planning permission being accepted. Which I know in itself is not the wisest decision. My DPs sister is probably going to lose custody of her DS(10) and my partner is the only one who can take him in without him going in to care. Of course I am not advocating for him to be put into care. And I want my DP to have a clear conscious so I have put no pressure on the situation. Just been there and supported him best I can. The nephew is a really difficult child through no fault of his own but this does effect my children. He can be really malicious amongst other things and causes a lot of stress. I really don’t feel like I can take him on. Especially being pregnant, with my 2 DCs and the bedroom situation in the new house. Am I a total bitch? I would never ever expect him to put his nephew into care, in my current state of mind I feel like we are going to have to separate. I know resentment is a killer and either way this would be an extremely difficult situation

But how is this fair on your children you have now

There are lots of people talking a very big game here who I think would in reality be very unlikely indeed to do something they felt would harm their children, or to break up their relationship whilst pregnant. At least I hope nobody would be that crap at parenting.

If you actually think your children (including the new baby) would be unsafe or miserable if this child came to stay, he can’t come. No parent could agree to that. The space issue isn’t a big deal but the wellbeing of the children to whom you are a parent and the baby to whom you and your partner are parents is,

Is the removal from his mother and informal arrangement or one that is going to be ordered by the family court? If the latter then children's services will be involved and your fiance and you would have to undergo a full assessment by them as to your suitability to take on the child as a kinship carer.

Do not underestimate how much they delve into your private and family life and your relationships. The process involves hours of discussions over weeks and if you are not fully on board with having the nephew they will find out. They also have to see what his practical living situation would be with you and I think he would be expected to have his own room. It may be a wake-up to your fiancé that taking on his nephew might not be as straightforward as he thinks.

You must priortise YOUR OWN CHILDREN. Must. If that means splitting from him, so be it. They cannot and must not be forced to share a home with an aggressive, confused, traumatised boy. Your job is to look after your own kids. You already know the answer.

Your time, your choices, your emotional stability, your kids, your mothering - these are not resources that other people get to deploy as they wish. It is NOT HIS CHOICE to foist this onto you.

It is not your right to force your kids to put up with this either. You are their mother first, and his fiancee second.

Separate, you can focus on your children, he will soon get very sick and tired of parenting the boy. At this point, he is probably (almost certainly) planning for you to have tolerate and deal with the boy most of the time and will not be prepared to do it himself. I'd be surprised but pleased if I turned out to be wrong.

Obviously, it's shit for the nephew and obviously everyone feels bad for him. But there are a million others like him and we can only do what we can do. You can't parent him, so don't try to.

I think you’re right. You’re an experienced parent and can see things he can’t. In your position I wouldn’t move into his house. Your job is to put your own children first. It’s sil’s fault that the boy is in this position, not yours.

OP I think this will be the end of the relationship. But you can't do this. Call off the wedding and start looking for your next rental. Yes, it will turn your life upside down. All the things you thought you had in the future will be gone and you'll have to start again. But the upheaval will be as nothing compared to what it will be if you go ahead and bring the boy into your life and that of your DCs. And I think the relationship wouldn't survive if you did stay and take him in. The stress it would bring would soon finish it.

All DP has going through his head is 'must not go into care, must not go into care, must not go into care'. So he's not seeing the problems because he doesn't want to see the problems. But you can. Your life will be torn to shreds if you stay, you will be permanently on your guard, you'll be afraid for your DC's safety.

I know it's not what you want. But this is a total curve ball and you have to reassess everything you thought you knew.

and it will be less disrruptive now rather than children having to change schools (if I read that right) then may have to change again then have to have a baby around and a badly behaved older child and the OP having to raise 4 children then it all not working out so more drama

Yes. The split will come anyway, almost certainly. It will be so much less painful to call it all off right now, so much better for her children and going forward just better for her too, however hard it is right n.

I am definitely going to focus on what’s best for my kids. Whatever I can do to keep them as happy and secure as they can be is what I will do

So you're going to call off the wedding then. Good. Hard choice, but the right one.

Your partner is prioritizing his nephew over your baby, your kids, and you.

If you move in all together, your kids will be negatively affected. You're going to be busy with a baby and I see this going south really fast and very badly and not one of you will be happy.

Your partner thinks his nephew's trauma will resolve fine while sleeping on a sofa in a house with all the disruption a new baby will bring. He sounds clueless and or in denial.

You're well within your rights to not want to live in an overcrowded living situation with a difficult, traumatized kid and your kids and a new baby. But, your refusal to subject your children to that sounds like it will end your relationship.

I think picking your kids is the best choice in a tough situation. You can't continue the relationship under these conditions. It wouldn't last anyways if you stayed. Talk about what co-parenting will look like and start looking for a place.

I have a feeling OP is planning to hang onto her man , get the wedding she wants, and put her kids through the mill for a few years, before it all goes tits up anyway tbh.

She'll tell herself it's the best thing for her kids to have their father figure around and be better off financially - because she wants, above all, to hang on to her man. You see it a lot on these threads, and I can feel it in her responses.

Your comment is well put, and quite correct.

the nephew is indispensable. he is young and needs someone to step up. it is hard, but you need to find a way to figure it out and that might mean living apart until you can find another space. of course it inconvenient and hard, but you don’t abandon family.

You can get married and live seperately. Do you think DN's behaviour will improve with the stability of your DP? Can he temporarily move in with him, get counselling and see how it goes with the aim of you all reuniting?
My youngest DB was fostered. He came from a difficult situation. The change was amazing once he became a part of our family. Right now he's a jealous visitor to your unrelated DC with an awful home-life.

Family members still have to be assessed when a child is placed with them by social services.

Social services would not agree for him to sleep on a sofa for months.

You expect this man to step up and look after 2 kids that aren't his but you wont do rhe same for his nephew?

I think you are going to make noises about "having no choice but to move out" in the hope that your DP drops the idea out of fear of losing you, but he probably wont forgive you for this. Its a sick culture we live in where an uncle is willing to step.up for his nephew but the consensus is that its best for everyone that the kid go into care.

What are the renovations? If you’re making it into a five bedroom house, and DP has significant savings on top to cover time off and therapy, it’s a different scenario to a three bedroom house that’s wiping out all savings and he’ll he working overtime to afford.

You have to put your children first OP.

This.
Also, the entire situation is about prioritising child welfare- social services are thinking about the nephew and your job is to think about your children, especially your unborn baby. Additionally, your own health is crucial to allow you to look after you own children. Trust your instincts. I’ve had a similar experience and made the difficult choice and said no. The guilt was awful but I knew it was the right call. We would’ve compromised our own child and ourselves. The parents wouldn’t made everyone’s lives a misery. It could’ve ended our relationship and split our own family. Thechild has actually thrived in fostet care as she had two new parents with the time and energy to give her all the support she needs. We could never have given her what she now has, no matter how much we loved her.

Nope. The consensus is that a parent MUST put their own children first. They often don't but they should. He can take care of his nephew. She can protect her own children and offer them a stable, safe environment and parent them in another house. Sorted.

As harsh as this sounds,his nephew is not your problem. Prioritise your children, this could end badly. He's practically a strange male you're bringing into your home. The level of social services involvement you'll have will be enough stress on you and if his nephew has issues they'll be onto you about safeguarding your children. As hard as this is id let the partner figure this out on his own

This is not fair to your own children. Your partner should take the kid and live in a separate house.

This is so true for once a guy is willing to step up for his nephew and all OP is worried about is herself

What about his own child, never mind the welfare of OP’s two children, who do not have behavioural issues?

And don't think the resentment of forcing badly behaved kids into the family home ever goes away. No matter the reasons, no matter the sympathy for the nephew, or any other child, it's a bad idea.

I used to work alongside a man called John, a good guy, kind and caring. When his kids were around 10 or 11 he and his wife decided they wanted to foster kids to offer children who needed help the sort of stability his own had.

His own kids appeared to tolerate the continual disruption quite well, or at least any complaints fell on deaf ears.

Years later, after he had stopped fostering and his kids were young adults the conversation came up - and both of them told him in no uncertain terms how much they loathed every single second of being forced to share their home, their parents, their life with badly behaved, traumatised children. They resented him horribly for it, and though they loved their parents felt strongly they should never have been put in this position.

His choice (along with his wife's agreement) permanently damaged their relationship and John and his wife felt forevermore they had to somehow make it up to their kids.

He told me all this with deep regret at a work party over a few drinks. He would have done anything to change his choices back then and prioritise his own kids, but the ship had sailed.

You can't make it up to your kids once you remove their safety, their childhood home, their stability, once you unfairly (as they will always think of it) divide your attention with other children.

You can't fix the world, you can't foster or adopt all the damaged, unhappy children. You CAN however parent your own well, safely and provide stability for them.

So do that.